By The Time You Found What You Lost, You'd Hope You Were Found

I Find My Titles Are Getting Longer And Longer. I Don't Really Think I Can Help It, Because They REALLY Mean What I Want To Say.

So Yeah, I'm Home Now. Have Been Since Thursday Night. And Upon Returning, I Find Myself Missing More Things Than I Usually Do. To List Them Out,

1. I Miss Home. Always Do When I Reach Home And The First Thing I See Is Father's Almost Sinister Smirk. Hits The Peak When I Step Into The Hot Shower.
2. I Miss My Hot Shower, As I Have Mentioned.
3. I Miss My Edifier M3300, Although I'm Playing Tracks From Yuna Ito, Tanaka Rie And Inoue Marina Instead Of m.o.v.e Or T.M. Revolution.
4. I Miss McD. I Actually Began Missing It When I Got To The LRT Station, Before Reaching McD Itself. I Wow-ed Myself.
5. I Miss My Free-Flowing Supply Of Milk, Eventhough I Realized That I Myself May Be Slightly Lactose-Intolerant, But I Don't Give A Damn.
6. I Miss My Häagen-Dazs Coffee And Manuka Honey Cocktail. Still Get Drunk Over It, No Matter How Many Times I Try It.
7. I Miss My Tiny, Stinky Baby Pillows. And Sleeping Never Got Any Easier Than Getting Milk Stuffed Down My Throat And Then Getting A Whiff Of The Intoxicating Smell From The Pillows. Especially When They Still Smell Like The Sun.
8. I Miss Solitude. Surprisingly, When I Have Been Complaining About Being Alone And No One Understands Me And Whatnot. When I Get Home, It Feels Like, Nothing Can Feel More... Right... Than This. This Is Also When I Can Wholeheartedly Agree That It Is Indeed In Solitude That We Are Least Alone. I Am, At Least.
9. I Miss The Randomness When It Comes To Food When I'm Home. In Kampar It's Almost Predictable What I'd Eat, But Back Here, Even I'm Not Sure What I Want Because There's Just So Many Choices To Choose From. So Much So That It's Quite The Hassle To Even Decide If I Want To Eat.
10. Most Of All, I Miss Mum. Sadly It Is Only To Her That I Can Free Speak Without Minding My Choice Of Words And Its Contents. To The Extent That I Can Insult Her In Her Face With Vulgarities That No One Has Ever Heard Me Speak, And Yet I No Feelings Are Hurt. But Still, There Is Only So Much That One Can Take, Before One Breaks. And I'd Really Rather Not Break The One Who Mends My Broken Pieces Best.

Well, Those Are The Stuff That I Miss Upon Getting Them. That Said, There Are Things That I Miss That I Am Not Getting, Either Yet Or Ever:

1. My PS2. Or Its Successor The PS3. I Wish I Could Really Do More In This Solitude, Instead Of Relying On Just The Unreliable Net To Sate My Unquenchable Thirst For Imagination Fuel.
2. Quality Time With The 19 Gang. The Only Bunch Of Fellas That I Can Really Be With Without Risk Of Displeasure.
   
3. Quality Time With Some TB1 People. The Only People Outside Of My Family And The 19 Gang That I Can Really Be Myself With.
   
4. Some Quality Cinema Time. Preferably Alone. But Company's Fine. And With Quality Cinema Time, Hopefully Quality Movies As Well.
5. The Last Few Days Of April, 2010. The Only Time In My Life At Home When I Felt That In Was In Solitude That I Was Most Alone. Well, What's Past Is Past. Since History Will Very Likely Not Repeat Itself, Thank You For The Memories.

Today I Saw A Few People Who Where A Part Of My Past. People, Who Were Part Of The Past That I've Cast Aside, That Would Still Mean Something To Me. Sadly It Was Only I Who Saw Them. Yvonne And Vivian Tey, And Nick Kee. Well, Good To Know That Y'all Are Still Alive And Well.

And Tomorrow We Fight Another Bloody War That UTAR Puts Us Through Every Semester. And The Freakin' Battle Starts At 1 Bloody p.m.! Just When I Thought I Could Catch A Movie After Returning To KL For So Many Days. Dammit.

Oh Well, Adieu To Y'all. Back To Watching Top Gear. Heh.

The Unwinnable Battle That Must Be Fought.

As Much As I Don't Want To Say This, I Have To. Because It's Bothering Me Very Much. And Regardless Of It Being You Trying To Smite Me Again Or Your True, Honest Intentions Of Trying To Console Me, Either Way, It's Not Working.

You Call It The 'I Love Myself' Activity. But In The End I Feel That As Much As I Could Love Myself, I Would Hate Myself Just As Much. Because All That I'm Getting Are The Everyday, Very Usual Shoe-Polisher Kind Of Physical Praise, But No Inner Quality That I Can Be Proud Of Save The Cliche Ones That Are Too Commonly Used That Their Value Is Lost. And Thus I Feel Like I'm Being Lied To Just So That Others Do Not Hurt My Feelings, Little Do They Know, The Lie Itself Is The Greatest Desecration Of My Very Being. I Deserve The Truth, No Matter How Ugly And Painful It May Be. Because I Can Take It. Because The Truth To Me Is Like Infinite Ant Bites; I Can Take Them. A Single Lie, However, Is Like A Fatal Bullet Through The Brain; That, I Cannot Take.

I've Held Myself Back From Saying This For 5 Days. I Couldn't Go Any Further. Because All I Have Left Is My Self. I Have Lost Everything Else. Every Single Other Thing. And I Cannot Afford To Lose Myself, When It Is The Only Thing I Have Left. Only In Facing The Truth, By Accepting It As What It Is And Seeing Every Side, Every Angle, The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Alike, Without Filtering The Unwanted Bits, Can I Keep My Self.

But My Greatest Loss Is Still... Like A Phoenix That Lost Its Fire.

In the end,
This is one mistake I cannot amend,
The more this problem I try to transcend,
The more I find I'd condescend.

In avoiding you I'm not being true,
In facing you I break my own heart,
Perhaps we can never start anew,
Thus I shall continue to love you,
From afar and apart.

迷うこと恐れずに　羽ばたける
鼓動が波打つ　まだ　夢をあきらめないで
暗闇も　孤独にも　立ち向かう
君と出会えた悦びを　必ず伝えにいこう

Like How A Phoenix Can Never Be With His Beloved Dove. His Flames Will Purge Her With Propinquity, Breaking His Own Heart, Yet It Is Infinitely Painful For Him To Not Be Able To Be Directly Responsible For Her Well Being, To Be Physically There For Her, When It Is His Heart's Greatest Desire.

Well, Adieu To Y'all. The Infernal Flames Of The Nether Phoenix Shall Burn Forever, Even If It Consumes Itself.

In The End, All For Nothing

It Is Official. Finally, After 76 Agonizing Days. My Beloved Dove And Whatever Is Is That She Chose As Her Mate Have Found Their Avalon. Just As I Have Predicted. Just As I Feared. This Is The Kind Of Situation Where You'd Rather Be Wrong Than Right. I Know I Would. But This Is Beside The Main Point.

What Is, However, Is That If This Is How It Is Ending Then What Was All That Chaos For? What Were All Those Words, Hard Feelings And Hateful Deeds For? What Was All That Secrecy, Deceit And Denial For? What Was All That Unnecessary Shit For, When In The End That's How You Both Wanted It? Why Would You Want To Hide The Fact If You've Been At It For 33 Days, And Screw And Skewer All Those Who Felt Too Happy For You To Contain Their Own Excitement? Was It All Worth It? All That Was Lost, Are They Truly Justified? Is There Even A Necessity For All That Destruction?

Yes, For The First Time, I AM Imposing Guilt Onto People. Because It Was Truly Uncalled For. Because I Want You To Think About It. It Happened When It Didn't Need To, And You Allowed It To Happen - No, You MADE It Happen -Without A Care For Whatever Else.

But, I Guess You Can't Unscramble Eggs, Can You? No One Can, Not Even Your Almighty.

This Discrimination Aside, Perhaps There's Nothing More That Is Unjust. And The Fact That This Truth You Have Finally Willingly Revealed Has Left Me At Peace. With You And, Most Importantly, Myself. But I Will Never Forget The 'Duty' That I Have Successfully Carried Out, A 'Success' That I Can Only Be Ashamed Of. And Now, My 'Job' Is Done.

Adieu To Y'all. Because Everyone Deserves The Truth, No Matter How Painful It May Be; Not Their Faith Rewarded, No Matter How Desperately They Cling Onto It.

Now Undeniably Proven, The Nether Phoenix Shall Rise Again

Now All Evidence Showing Otherwise Can Be Totally Discarded, No Matter How Convincing. Because I Have Proof. A Single Proof That Invalidates Infinite Evidences.

I Thank You Sincerely, My Dove. You Given Me Proof That You Are Not My Enemy. You Have Shown Me Beyond A Doubt That It Is Truly Not My Fault. Even The Fault And Guilt Of My Father Pales In Comparison To The Infernal Desecration Committed Upon Me By The True Perpetrator, The One At Fault Whose Crimes Continue To Plague The World, Although Was Punished 2 Millennia Ago, And Was Wrongfully Worshiped As A Martyr By Ignorant Fools Who Blindly Believe Without Even Evidence That Was Easy To Begin With, Let Alone Proof.

And It Is Sad That The Plague Of Ignorance Continues To Spread, And More People Succumbing To It. Worst Of All, Innocent Children Of Ignorant Parents Are Doomed To Follow In Their Footsteps, Ensuring That Every Next Generation Consists Of More Who Are Prone To Blame Themselves For Every Failure, But Credit Another For Every Success Gained By Their Very Own Effort, Sweat And Blood.

The Hate I Had For You Was Wrongly Placed. I Understand If You'd Repay Me With Equal Emotions For Eternity. But Now I Am Even More Deeply Indebted To You. You Have Not Only Relighted My Fire, But Widened My Eyes As Well. And I Am Now Able To Accept The One Simple Fact: That Until This Invisible Barrier Is Destroyed, I Can Never Hope To Soar The Skies With You, To Unite The Two Worlds That We Are In.

I Now Understand That You Lied Back Then Because You Had To, Because You Had No Other Choice. I Now Understand That Indeed We Are Worlds Apart, That Much Is True, But Not Only Because Of Differences In Personality. Rather, It Was Also A Difference In Mind, Faith, Beliefs. You Basically Told Me The Whole Truth, The Lie Being The One Single Word That Was Never Said, That I Never Could Accept Until Such Undeniable Proof was Presented.

Again, Forgive Me, And Thank You.

Such Is The True Nature Of This Barrier Called Religion. It Was Meant To Unite The People. It United The People Of The State, But At The Same Time, Divided The People Of The World.

And You Were Right, Yat. There Is Indeed A Blessing In Disguise. In My Heartbreak I've Found A Greater Resolve To Oppose The Ways Of The World. To Purge The World Clean Of This Division. To Ensure That The Generations After Ours Are Free From This Blight That Has Plagued My Life. Or Ours, Should You Choose Not To Give It Up Yet.

Adieu To Y'all. Thanks To A Mortal Dove, The Nether Phoenix That Is Ian 'IMD!!!' Chee Has Risen From These Ashes Of Darkness Once Again.

Immortally IMD!!!

I am myself a blackened shadow,
A dark silhouette on a bright meadow,
It is who I am, not what binds me,
Not just my past, but my identity.

My hatred is immortal,
For my past was infernal,
Destroyed I was by actions not my own,
But by fools who, until today,
Believe for nothing they have to atone.

When fault is mine and mine alone,
Then solutions are mine to hone,
But when that lies in another,
Blame is all I can do,
But can improve no further.

By knowing just this single fact,
I know that from now on I must act,
I am at peace with myself,
But not the fools who's descriptions,
Are exactly like some book of the shelf.

I will not repeat the same mistake,
To do to others what they did to me,
For that and that alone,
The ease of life I'm willing to forsake,
Till my very own way is plain to see.

That is why I defy society's norm
Because what they need is a real reform
To realize their faults and wrongs
To return fairness and justice,
Back to where they belong.

But if they choose to keep their rotten ways,
I shall personally set them ablaze,
For some fools are beyond salvation,
Their existence do no more,
Than rushing the world's annihilation.

To the rest of the world,
Whom my flames they eagerly fan,
Just try to stop me if you can!
Because,
As you're ending, I'm about to begin,
My strength is pain, but I'll never give in!

I march alone against this worldly tide,
When others would steer clear, far and wide,
I fear not the impossible,
As long as I fight for myself,
And for a goal honorable.

Those who will choose to join me,
Shall do so ever willingly,
But know that I am fully prepared,
To fight alone, unimpaired.

This is what it means to be IMD!!!,
To be Inspiring Matchless Decree,
For all who choose to oppose me,
Be ready to set your life free,
When I am done there will only be,
Lifeless corpses as far as the eye can see!!!

I Declare...

Today Was The Ultimate Emotional Torment For Me. The Ultimate Worst. I Wonder Myself How Could I NOT Take My Own Life After Today. I Was Practically Bashed Across The Face First Thing In The Morning In Campus, Forcefully Fed With Poison That Reacts The Moment It Enters The Mouth During The Very First Class, Bound, Gagged And Whipped Mercilessly At Midday, And Worst Of All, Had A Stake Thrown Right Through My Heart When I Thought I Can Finally Get Away From All Of It. HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL ENDURE ALL THIS!? WHY AM I STILL ALIVE!?

I Swear It's Like Having AIDS, Getting Skinned Alive, Fed Rat Poison And Still Surviving For 3 Months And Counting Past The Estimated Time Of Death.

All This Intentional Provocation, Do You Really Wish To See Me Suffer That Much? Do You Share His Delight In Torturing Others? In Torturing ME!?

Indeed. Perhaps The One Condition For A Successful Relationship Of The Seven That I Can Never Agree To Is True; That You Have To Let Your Partner Influence You. Now I See How Is That True. So True To The Extent That One Was Willing To Become A Hypocrite While Another Became A Sadist.

That Unconditional Support, Even In Fault, That I Have Yearned For All These Months, Is To Be Out Of My Reach. Forever.

In This I Must And Will Correct My Statement. You Are Not Blind, I Was Wrong About That. You Were Just Devoted. So Much So That, Like The Person You Are Devoted To, Nothing Else Matters, And The Only People Who Are Feinting Ignorance Are Those That Said Person Has Yet To Cross.

Happiest Two Days My Foot. More Like Two Years.

With That I Officially Declare Myself An Anti-Social. Because Society Only Brings Despair To One From A World Free Of Deception.

Adieu To Y'all. Feel No Remorse, For When You Are Hit, You Deserve It Hard. As Hard As I Had It At Least.

What Else Do You Have To Say, Huh?

It's Ironically Amazing How True The Word 'Loneliness' Describes Me. That Presentation On Loneliness Really Opened My Eyes (And Hopefully Of Others As Well), Justified My Actions And Kind Of Retold The Story Of My Past. Many Facts Confirmed My Misery, Many Details Justified My Agony, Many Points Just Proved To Me That I Was Right About What I Speculated To Have Destroyed My Life. And It's So True Yet Ironic, I Can't Help But Laugh.

That's The Thing About People Destined For Greatness: They Live A Life Harder And More Challenging Than Your Average Person And When They Want To Have Someone Understand The Shit They Go Through, Most People Can't Accept The Fact That They're Still Alive After All That. Some Degenerates Even Resort To Telling Others That The Hard Life Faced By These Great People Was A 'Made-Up-Story' Intended To Be Used To Fish For Sympathy And To Make Others Feel Bad For Them Or Feel Guilty For Not Helping Them Out.

But There You Are. We Are Who We Are Because Of What Life Put Us Through. And We Have Survived What None Of You Could Ever Imagine, Let Alone Understand. Concrete Evidence Presented, Though I Can't Really Prove Anything Unless You Personally Interview My Mum And Goddad. Not That I Expect Degenerates To Understand In The First Place; I Just Want To Make Things Clear, The Fact That I Don't Make Stories Up To Fish For Sympathy Or Impose Guilt Onto Others. Especially Not The One That I Love. Not The One That I Am Eternally Indebted To. Not The One That I Must Stay Away From Just To Not Risk Hurting.

But I Guess It Is Too Late. Hate Has Sprouted From The Degenerate-Planted Seed. And The Acknowledging Of My True Enemy Has Fueled The Growth Of Hate. All Too Little, Too Late. All That Can Still Be Done Is To Not Allow The Seed Of Hate Sprout From My Own Heart.

Adieu To Y'all. I Acknowledge That In Much Wisdom Is Much Grief.