Today I bid farewell to the best person I ever was

I never thought that I was an inferior person, undeserving of what I desire. I always thought of myself as being simultaneously modest and confident. But little did I know that the day I fell in love with you was the beginning of rapid growth for me; the day I'd begin to grow into the best person I'll ever be.

I've learned so much from you. I've strived so hard for you. I made sure to grow everyday, to be closer to perfection with every passing day, so that I may never be unworthy of you.

But I am reminded that love does not work that way - that perfection was a mere prerequisite to play this game called love. And once the game has begun, it is luck that decides if you feel the same for each other, or if someone else has beaten you to it. You will never be accepted if you're flawed, no matter how much you are loved by the other person. Likewise, you can be the paragon of perfection and it still wouldn't matter if the other person does not feel as you do. And none of this even matters if someone has beaten you to the punch.

And yet, here I am now in pain. In pain trying to accept the fact that you'll never be a part of my life. Even when I'm at my best, you've chosen mediocrity over me, and that hurts. A person with a red flag - who has no right to be loved to begin with - has claimed you before me.

It hurts so bad that when you know you're a great person, deserving of another person just as great. It hurts even more that, for that person you became the best version of yourself. It hurts the most when the best version of yourself is sidelined in favour of mediocrity.

And that is why, today, I bid farewell to the best version of myself.

My growth has been wonderful. When I look way back, I am ever grateful of the changes that differentiates the foolish me back then and the way wiser me right now. But when I look just a little while back, I'm reminded that without this pain, this growth wouldn't have ever been possible. That I became better for the sake of this pain that haunts my every conscious moment.

And yet this pain is one that's too great to bear. A pain that constantly reminds me of the price of this growth. A reminder that I became a better person only to be hurt. A correlation that cannot be severed, a constant reminder that I only became a better person because I sought pain in the guise of love. Your love.

That is why today I bid farewell to the best version of myself. For if I am to bid you farewell, then I must bid farewell to the result of my pursuit of you. The only way I can let you go is to let go of everything that reminds me of you. Even if it means letting myself go. If my self reminds me of you, then my self has to go. And I have to do so, even if it means I'll risk sinking into the mediocrity of humanity. It is a risk I take, if it means standing a chance of forgetting you. Only then can I develop a new self that has no ties to you. And only then will I be free from this pain.

In forgetting you, I'll forget all the lessons in life that you've taught me, directly and indirectly. I'll leave it all behind and revert to who I was before I met you. Maybe some things will stay, and if they don't remind me of you, that's fine.

As long as I forget you, that's fine. As long as I'm free from this self inflicted pain, that's fine. But if everything must go for me to never remember you ever again, that's fine. Even if all those memories must go with you, that's fine. Even if my self must go, that's fine. Even if my life must go, that's fine.

Will I ever achieve this greatness that only you can make possible? Who can say, really? Will I meet someone else that can raise me up to equal or greater heights? Who can say? What if I will never see the world from this height again? That's fine, really. As life has taught me countless times before, and once again through you, I'd give up happiness forever if it means I'll be free from suffering. Especially from this kind of suffering.

You may have been the best thing to have happened in my life. I will not downplay the role you had in improving me as a person. But at the same time, the cost of it all is too great for me to keep holding on. As they all have said, you will not come to your senses, even if your life depended on it. And I am unable to endure any longer for something that will never come.

And that's why today, I bid farewell to the best version of myself. Today, I bid farewell to you, who made it all possible. Today, I bid farewell to my memories of you, and the memories of my love for you.

But,
Even if I forget my love for you,
It is a fact that holds forever true;
Even if my memories fall apart,
I'd still love you with all my heart.