Saturday, October 22, 2016

Today I bid farewell to the best person I ever was

I never thought that I was an inferior person, undeserving of what I desire. I always thought of myself as being simultaneously modest and confident. But little did I know that the day I fell in love with you was the beginning of rapid growth for me; the day I'd begin to grow into the best person I'll ever be.

I've learned so much from you. I've strived so hard for you. I made sure to grow everyday, to be closer to perfection with every passing day, so that I may never be unworthy of you.

But I am reminded that love does not work that way - that perfection was a mere prerequisite to play this game called love. And once the game has begun, it is luck that decides if you feel the same for each other, or if someone else has beaten you to it. You will never be accepted if you're flawed, no matter how much you are loved by the other person. Likewise, you can be the paragon of perfection and it still wouldn't matter if the other person does not feel as you do. And none of this even matters if someone has beaten you to the punch.

And yet, here I am now in pain. In pain trying to accept the fact that you'll never be a part of my life. Even when I'm at my best, you've chosen mediocrity over me, and that hurts. A person with a red flag - who has no right to be loved to begin with - has claimed you before me.

It hurts so bad that when you know you're a great person, deserving of another person just as great. It hurts even more that, for that person you became the best version of yourself. It hurts the most when the best version of yourself is sidelined in favour of mediocrity.

And that is why, today, I bid farewell to the best version of myself.

My growth has been wonderful. When I look way back, I am ever grateful of the changes that differentiates the foolish me back then and the way wiser me right now. But when I look just a little while back, I'm reminded that without this pain, this growth wouldn't have ever been possible. That I became better for the sake of this pain that haunts my every conscious moment.

And yet this pain is one that's too great to bear. A pain that constantly reminds me of the price of this growth. A reminder that I became a better person only to be hurt. A correlation that cannot be severed, a constant reminder that I only became a better person because I sought pain in the guise of love. Your love.

That is why today I bid farewell to the best version of myself. For if I am to bid you farewell, then I must bid farewell to the result of my pursuit of you. The only way I can let you go is to let go of everything that reminds me of you. Even if it means letting myself go. If my self reminds me of you, then my self has to go. And I have to do so, even if it means I'll risk sinking into the mediocrity of humanity. It is a risk I take, if it means standing a chance of forgetting you. Only then can I develop a new self that has no ties to you. And only then will I be free from this pain.

In forgetting you, I'll forget all the lessons in life that you've taught me, directly and indirectly. I'll leave it all behind and revert to who I was before I met you. Maybe some things will stay, and if they don't remind me of you, that's fine.

As long as I forget you, that's fine. As long as I'm free from this self inflicted pain, that's fine. But if everything must go for me to never remember you ever again, that's fine. Even if all those memories must go with you, that's fine. Even if my self must go, that's fine. Even if my life must go, that's fine.

Will I ever achieve this greatness that only you can make possible? Who can say, really? Will I meet someone else that can raise me up to equal or greater heights? Who can say? What if I will never see the world from this height again? That's fine, really. As life has taught me countless times before, and once again through you, I'd give up happiness forever if it means I'll be free from suffering. Especially from this kind of suffering.

You may have been the best thing to have happened in my life. I will not downplay the role you had in improving me as a person. But at the same time, the cost of it all is too great for me to keep holding on. As they all have said, you will not come to your senses, even if your life depended on it. And I am unable to endure any longer for something that will never come.

And that's why today, I bid farewell to the best version of myself. Today, I bid farewell to you, who made it all possible. Today, I bid farewell to my memories of you, and the memories of my love for you.

Even if I forget my love for you,
It is a fact that holds forever true;
Even if my memories fall apart,
I'd still love you with all my heart.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

It was never meant to be, and I am finally beginning to see and accept this

It was not love at first sight. It was not one of those jokes or pranks the people around us play, and me secretly hoping it would be real. It was a slow process, but I had definitely fallen in love with you.

Perhaps enabled by our circumstances, I got to know you. I knew what you were as a person, your likes and dislikes, your plans for the future, and what would be you be like in your wildest dreams. Likewise I was glad to share mine as well. Glad because I found out that we shared a fair bit in common, that we were compatible with each other, that we complement each other, that we have a future together, and more importantly, that you would know all that.

I was pretty content with who I was as a man. Then you came along and showed me that I could be so much more. You brought out the best in me, and I couldn't be exaggerating if I said that you saved my life when I didn't even know I needed saving.

And when I decided I needed to be blunt, well, you reciprocated my bluntness, but not my feelings. Which I understood at first. Your bluntness I appreciated, even.

Of course, I'm no saint. I knew you were taken. Our circumstances even allowed me to meet your... Retainer let's just say, for better or worse. Through our interactions, and through stories of your own, I've learned that he and I are eerily similar. We had similar habits, similar thoughts, and worst of all, that we loved the same woman.

This hurt me deeply, because there was a fundamental difference between me and the person you chose, way before cruel fate dictated that our paths should cross.

And this difference, I thought, would've made all the difference in the world - the difference being I'm not the possessive and insecure person that he is. To anyone else, this would've been one of two of the worst red flags that a man could have on his back, the other being if he was abusive.

From what I can see, at least he isn't abusive towards you. And for that I'm glad, and for two reasons. The first being, obviously, that you're not hurt, let alone regularly. The second being I will never know if you'd still stay if he would indeed hurt you regularly.

And heaven forbid if you still choose to stay with someone who controls and abuses you.

I somewhat understand I suppose; you wouldn't want to leave a person you're so invested in for another person that is so similar, especially if the only thing better about the new person is that he has one less red flag about his person. I can also appreciate that you choose to remain because he still needs to be taken care of emotionally and someone has to do it, even if it means you forgoing me, who has lived life independently until you came along and made me feel me couldn't live on without you.

And I'll be honest, at this point I've been driven to looking for imperfections in your Golden Heart, looking for stains or scratches when there were none, all in the name of convincing myself that you're unworthy of my Silver Soul. I tried to find faults in your person, even irreconcilable ones to convince myself that we could not be together, despite every available evidence pointing towards the contrary.

Now that I've found it though, I wonder if they were there all along and that I was simply blinded to them, or that I have successfully deluded myself into seeing flaws that are not there.

Perhaps you should be the judge yourself of my judgement of you - I found that you need someone to control you. Not just the simple possessiveness that any healthy man would have, but insecurities that drive your choice of man to control your every move, dictate what you can or cannot do and who you can or cannot grab a bite with or have a drink with.

And I cannot do that. I cannot treat the person I love like they were some stray cat that has come to like me after I've been feeding it for a few days, and then worry that the cat would like another neighbour more once they start doing the same. The person I love deserves to be her own person, to be free to decide for herself what she wants to do with her life, and me stepping in only when she's about to make a mistake that would hurt her, not my own ego.

With that in mind, perhaps we weren't meant to be after all. You need to love a controlling person, and I respect personal freedom too much to be able to do that to anyone, least of all the person I love. It was silly of me to think that, by being there when you needed me I'd improve my chances. Had I seen earlier that who you needed was a controlling man and not an understanding one, perhaps I wouldn't have stayed for as long as I did.

I know concede in sorrow to the voices that have been telling me what a fool I have been. What a fool I was to be there for someone who needed another type of person entirely. To share the events of my life to a person who doesn't care, and maybe even prefers to not know. To attempt to chip the ice off the cold shoulder that I've been given. And to think that, prior to my confession, we were like two halves of a soul. Now, we're the saddest metaphor possible - that you, the Golden Lune and I, the Silver Sun, will always be opposite of each other, and will never share the sky at the same time.

Now that I've said all this, you have my promise: there are about 500 roses in this garden, and one will wither into your hands each day. Should things not change between us, then I will be gone from your life forever by the time the last one falls into your possession. I hope for both our sakes that one of two things will happen: either you see your own value, that you do not deserve to have a leash around your neck, or that I can walk away from this rose garden that I've nurtured in your name before the last rose falls.

And when that day comes, then I shall truly and permanently bid you farewell.

Even if all this will end some day,
There is something I have to say,
Let it be on this note when we do part:
Know that I love you with all my heart.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Face Of a Shining Star

Graceful shadows in a sea of light,
Flowing tears of immense delight,
Up in a kingdom above the clouds,
With endless waves of passionate crowds.

When a star shows its true face,
It shines with the truest of grace,
Behind the facade lies a weakness true,
A radiance seen only by a few.

By a strange fortune I've seen this light,
One that kept up a twenty year fight,
By its fortune it's known such success,
A fortune I'll not envy nor obsess.

May the star shine eternally bright,
Above the clouds, above the highlands,
May it continue to radiate light,
So that from troughs may rise more diamonds.

Monday, August 17, 2015

A Dream's War of the Roses

From my slumbering mind, spawned a dream,
One that flowed in a violent stream,
A clash of forces that couldn't oppose;
Of the ruby rose and the paper rose.

A discord across time and space,
A conflict that made my resting heart race,
A feud that nearly dampened my dry eyes,
Caused by inner despair on the rise.

As I awoke from the nightmare,
I am freed from the deadly scare,
Immense danger this libretto poses;
The wilting of my beloved roses.

But the dream served as a premonition;
I've then learned of my omission,
From the memory of the ruby rose;
Now I strive to maintain my position,
To prevent my rescission,
From the pleasance of the paper rose.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The furthest, most eye-opening flight

I'm not even home yet and I miss Perth already.

Maybe I'm missing Australia in general. I miss the nice cool winds, the chilly nights, but most of all, I miss two things: the friendliness of the people working in the service industry, and the fact that every single person speaks in English, which means much to me, as a person whose first language is that of her royal highness.

I already dread the service industry back home. The industry where people are either "friendly" when they annoy you with a "yes?" whenever you pass by their shop, or when they totally ignore you. I already miss the properly friendly culture where staff of shops greet you with a simple "hello" or following up with "how are you today?" in which you could just reply with your own "hello" or answer their question with any of the variations of "I'm fine, thank you," after which they leave you to your own devices or ask if you need help with anything. Best of all is that everyone speaks in complete English sentences, which gives the illusion that they're actually trying to strike a meaningful conversation with you, rather than just wanting your money and you out of there immediately after.

Another thing I massively enjoyed was the opportunity to speak in the Queen's English, rather than our Manglish. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against Manglish; I speak it more than English, and continue to do so with most of the people I know. But the idea of being able to use proper grammar and not use unnecessary suffixes at the end of every sentence was extremely stimulating. There has never been a culture shock as pleasant as this.

As this is the furthest I have ever been from the land I call home, it is natural that this is the first time I actually felt like I'm traveling away from home. There have been differences between home and our closer neighbours, but in the end, it has to be said that there are way more similarities than there are differences, the key one probably being weather. In fact, if it weren't for the knowledge that I was in a foreign country, should I have suffered from amnesia I would have believed that I was in Malaysia even if I was in fact in Singapore, Thailand or Indonesia. And I cannot imagine saying the same for Australia.

As with Singapore, I could easily imagine making a living in Australia if I was paid in Australian dollars instead of in ringgit. In fact, with my fairly thrifty nature, I would say that I'd probably live a comfortable life with ample luxuries. Then again, from what I've seen, the average middle class person in the anglosphere probably would too, when I'm reminded of the value of their currency and the buying power that results.

So yes, I am extremely poor as a result of my visit to Australia, but it has been a very well-worth visit. I can only imagine the joy I would experience should I be able to visit America or Britain. But I probably wouldn't simply because of how much it would cost to merely get there, not to mention to live there for a few days.

And on that bombshell, adieu to y'all.

P.S.: Apparently the kindness I described does not apply to the whole of Australia, which is a little disappointing. Still, should I have the fortune to be moving to the country, I know which city I'll be calling home.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Feelings of my Beating Heart

It wasn't that long ago when,
My dead heart started beating once again,
It was thanks to a dazzling smile,
My heart it will continue to beguile.

Will you be willing to hold my hand,
As we fly away to a far away land?
May I have this dance, my lady?
Or is he still in your dreams lately?

The thought of giving up had crossed my mind,
But I'm unable to do it, I find;
My pride compels me to test my might,
My feelings compel me to keep up the fight.

Though tepid your feelings for me may be,
In the end, you're the only one I see,
Will you let me hold your hand?
For you light up the darkness where I stand.

I remember the day we first met,
It was a sight I'll never forget,
Since then I've not one regret,
For every time, your attention I get.

I know you're tired of making angry faces,
It's put my feelings through its paces,
That's how I know that they're still true,
For after seeing them, I still love you.

I'd love to converse with you more,
Even if they're things you've heard of before,
You sway me silly, this fact I avow,
But are you still thinking of him right now?

Even if you do not care for me,
I'm still in love with you, you see,
No matter where in your heart I stand,
I'll be waiting for you to hold my hand.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Bidding an Angel Farewell

My time is short and I haven't gone far,
The progress I made was not up to par,
Will I gain my beloved prize,
Or should I have heeded what I realize?

The soft touch, I've begun to miss,
The gentle voice that brought me such bliss,
The one who has brought out the best of me,
Made me the best man I could ever be.

Now I feel like I've been left in the dark,
Seeking the slightest twinkle or spark,
I sought to taste the forbidden fruit,
Yet now I feel I've lost this pursuit.

Never has one inspired me so,
Fueled my passion to such a blaze,
Never have I been so raring to go,
Only you I desire with such a craze.

Prematurely, I foresee an end,
To the time together that we spend,
I wish I could do more before then,
I wish for the chance to try again.

For you I give beyond my all,
For you I risk my greatest fall,
For you I fight to change my fate,
For you I will patiently wait.

Perhaps you don't feel as I do for you,
Only for me is this magic true,
But I'd do it all over again,
For your love I'll endure infinite pain.

Even if all this must end some day,
There is something I have to say;
Let it be on this note, when we do part:
Know that I love you with all my heart.