It was never meant to be, and I am finally beginning to see and accept this

It was not love at first sight. It was not one of those jokes or pranks the people around us play, and me secretly hoping it would be real. It was a slow process, but I had definitely fallen in love with you.

Perhaps enabled by our circumstances, I got to know you. I knew what you were as a person, your likes and dislikes, your plans for the future, and what would be you be like in your wildest dreams. Likewise I was glad to share mine as well. Glad because I found out that we shared a fair bit in common, that we were compatible with each other, that we complement each other, that we have a future together, and more importantly, that you would know all that.

I was pretty content with who I was as a man. Then you came along and showed me that I could be so much more. You brought out the best in me, and I couldn't be exaggerating if I said that you saved my life when I didn't even know I needed saving.

And when I decided I needed to be blunt, well, you reciprocated my bluntness, but not my feelings. Which I understood at first. Your bluntness I appreciated, even.

Of course, I'm no saint. I knew you were taken. Our circumstances even allowed me to meet your... Retainer let's just say, for better or worse. Through our interactions, and through stories of your own, I've learned that he and I are eerily similar. We had similar habits, similar thoughts, and worst of all, that we loved the same woman.

This hurt me deeply, because there was a fundamental difference between me and the person you chose, way before cruel fate dictated that our paths should cross.

And this difference, I thought, would've made all the difference in the world - the difference being I'm not the possessive and insecure person that he is. To anyone else, this would've been one of two of the worst red flags that a man could have on his back, the other being if he was abusive.

From what I can see, at least he isn't abusive towards you. And for that I'm glad, and for two reasons. The first being, obviously, that you're not hurt, let alone regularly. The second being I will never know if you'd still stay if he would indeed hurt you regularly.

And heaven forbid if you still choose to stay with someone who controls and abuses you.

I somewhat understand I suppose; you wouldn't want to leave a person you're so invested in for another person that is so similar, especially if the only thing better about the new person is that he has one less red flag about his person. I can also appreciate that you choose to remain because he still needs to be taken care of emotionally and someone has to do it, even if it means you forgoing me, who has lived life independently until you came along and made me feel me couldn't live on without you.

And I'll be honest, at this point I've been driven to looking for imperfections in your Golden Heart, looking for stains or scratches when there were none, all in the name of convincing myself that you're unworthy of my Silver Soul. I tried to find faults in your person, even irreconcilable ones to convince myself that we could not be together, despite every available evidence pointing towards the contrary.

Now that I've found it though, I wonder if they were there all along and that I was simply blinded to them, or that I have successfully deluded myself into seeing flaws that are not there.

Perhaps you should be the judge yourself of my judgement of you - I found that you need someone to control you. Not just the simple possessiveness that any healthy man would have, but insecurities that drive your choice of man to control your every move, dictate what you can or cannot do and who you can or cannot grab a bite with or have a drink with.

And I cannot do that. I cannot treat the person I love like they were some stray cat that has come to like me after I've been feeding it for a few days, and then worry that the cat would like another neighbour more once they start doing the same. The person I love deserves to be her own person, to be free to decide for herself what she wants to do with her life, and me stepping in only when she's about to make a mistake that would hurt her, not my own ego.

With that in mind, perhaps we weren't meant to be after all. You need to love a controlling person, and I respect personal freedom too much to be able to do that to anyone, least of all the person I love. It was silly of me to think that, by being there when you needed me I'd improve my chances. Had I seen earlier that who you needed was a controlling man and not an understanding one, perhaps I wouldn't have stayed for as long as I did.

I know concede in sorrow to the voices that have been telling me what a fool I have been. What a fool I was to be there for someone who needed another type of person entirely. To share the events of my life to a person who doesn't care, and maybe even prefers to not know. To attempt to chip the ice off the cold shoulder that I've been given. And to think that, prior to my confession, we were like two halves of a soul. Now, we're the saddest metaphor possible - that you, the Golden Lune and I, the Silver Sun, will always be opposite of each other, and will never share the sky at the same time.

Now that I've said all this, you have my promise: there are about 500 roses in this garden, and one will wither into your hands each day. Should things not change between us, then I will be gone from your life forever by the time the last one falls into your possession. I hope for both our sakes that one of two things will happen: either you see your own value, that you do not deserve to have a leash around your neck, or that I can walk away from this rose garden that I've nurtured in your name before the last rose falls.

And when that day comes, then I shall truly and permanently bid you farewell.

But,
Even if all this will end some day,
There is something I have to say,
Let it be on this note when we do part:
Know that I love you with all my heart.