Immortal Chaos

Cursed I am in this chaotic life,
In this chaotic era filled with strife,
My ultimate goal I can never achieve,
But a just reward I will still receive.

Within the darkness that is despair,
There still twinkles little spots of light,
But I wonder how can I fare,
In this already losing fight.

A war of attrition I am fighting,
With tension constantly rising,
But a journey of self-discovery,
Has helped me realize,
The true worth of my pure fidelity.

I shall see 2 years of sunrise,
While blasting the beat of the rising sun,
The beauty within will bring my demise,
As I watch all that I strive for undone.

Fate and destiny have always been cruel,
Only anger and rage they serve to fuel,
How can I trust a being off a book,
When my life away from me it took?

Watch is all I could ever do,
Away from me this white dove flew,
In the hands of my foe it chose to land,
Bringing me agony I could not withstand.

In what we do to claim the bird,
It's only our intention that differed,
If pure intentions are scorned upon,
Then from my heart, let pure evil spawn.

Perhaps in chaos and chance,
There lies Justice's truest lance,
Bias and prejudice nonexistent,
Fairness guaranteed and consistent.

With that, I choose to lose my mind,
Only with that can I stay sound and alive,
The perfect balance my quest to find,
Shall now begin and will contrive.

Immortal Fatality

The Net Has Returned, But I Have Not.

Yes, People. Ian May Possibly Have A Split Personality Soon, As He Has 2 Different, Observable Sets Of Behaviour. Maybe The Old One Will Fade Away In Time, Maybe The 2 Different Sets Will Merge Into One, Or Maybe They Will Split So Clearly Apart That I'll Be Diagnosed As A Mentally Ill Person.

For The Past 9 Days Watched The Night Sky Slowly Turn Bright From My Window. Fortunately It Was Not The Case Last Night. But Still, Time Seems To Pass Extremely Slowly At The Moment, When I Await The Coming Of Something Extremely Significant, Possibly Changing My Life Forever. The Turning Point That I Know Will Come, And When It Will Come. But The Wait For The Time When It Comes Is A Killer. Enough To Kill Me Before I Decay Away

But At The Same Time, The Level Of Uncertainty Is So High That Some Shit May Just Happen Before That Time That Will Screw Up My Entire Life Eternally. The Extreme Risk Isn't Thrilling, It's Heartbreaking; To Know That Time And Luck Is In Total Control Of Whether I Live Or Die, Whether I'll Be Able To Cling On To Life Or If I'll Really Resort To Becoming A Raging Lunatic Just To Keep Myself From Killing Myself.

And Initially I Thought Of Trying A New Approach To Blogging; To Write Everything In The Form Of Poetry, But With This Kind Of Crap Happening, I Don't Think It Will Go Smoothly. Maybe When This Is All Over, It Can Be Done.

I've Also Discovered Something Very, Very Recently, That I Should've Realized Long Ago:

I now know my true enemy,
Who wants me dead by a deadly degree,
It's now a showdown between you and me,
In the end, your blood is all you'll see!

With That, Adieu To Y'all. If I Survive Beyond My Point Of Salvation, Then Victory Is Mine.

Immortal Remorse

The Masterpiece Is Now Close To Completion. It Will Be Titled "Immortal Irony" In Conjunction With The Post It Is Inspired From. Unfortunately, However, My Kampar Home's Net Won't Be Back Until At Least Monday Thanks To Today Being A Public Holiday (His Royal Highness' Birthday) And Tomorrow Being A Sunday, So It Shall Not Appear Within These Few Days Even If I Were To Finish It Soon. Good News To Some, Eternally Bad For Me.

So Yeah. Thanks To Facebook I Also Found A Fellow Potential Poet. Keep Them Up Ah Yat. I'll Be Waiting To 'Plagiarize' Your Works Heheh. Just Kidding. But Seriously, Write More. It's Good To Know That I Have Fellow Creative Minds As Pals. Perhaps We Could Even Trade Inspirations. Not Sure How That Works Myself, But, Yeah.

All In All, The First Week Of Year 2 Was Hell On Earth. Severe Depression, Insomnia, And Then Some. And Sorry Mum. Can't Update You On What's Happening Recently Thanks To The Screwed Up Laptop Left At Home. Hope I Can Live Till Next Year, Then You Can Waste More Money On A New One Then You Can See What's Happening Here, Roughly At Least, If Not Clearly.

And Now I Understand First Hand How Depression Affects Appetite. A Plate Of Spaghetti And I Feel Bloated Already. Damn. Maybe It's A Good Thing; Helps Me Cut Down Weight. Heheh. And Life Span/Expectancy. Give And Take. Took Me So Long To Realize That This Is The Basis Of Life. Indeed For Every Action There Is An Equal And Opposite Reaction. And It's Not Limited To Actions. I Now Respect The One That Came Up With The Yin Yang Theory. So True That No Matter How I Wish To Defy It, It Would Never Work Out.

Well... My Time Here Is Limited, Because I Don't Usually Pay This Much Just To Surf The Net. So Yeah.

Until My Net Returns, Adieu To Y'all.

Immortal Injuries

Both Internal And External. Physical And Emotional. Perhaps Permanent Retirement Is Really The Better Choice In Such A Situation.

Today Is The Day. The Day I Will Be Free From One Of The Many Situations Of Nastiness That I've Brought Upon Myself. The Day That My Social Life Can Run Once Again After Being Halted For What, 2 Weeks?

I'm Not A Good Liar But I Still Wonder Why I Do It So Often. White Lies They May Be, But Sometimes I Ask Myself, Why Can't I Just Be A Little Honest With Myself And Just Accept The Facts. Yesterday's Self Introduction During Life Span Development Was Full Of Shit. Sorry People. No Way On Earth Am I Turning Into An Extroverted Person Anytime Soon. Probably Not Ever Even. What I Said Yesterday, Wishful Thinking At It's Peak. That's Probably A Wish That Will Only Be Granted In, What, Next Life? Life After Next? But Then, What For? The Me In Lives After This Isn't Me Anyway. Why Do I Wish For Myself Something Only To Be Granted To Another?

The Split Personality Part, However, Isn't Totally Untrue. Hell Yeah, The Desire To Talk Crap May Intensify So Badly That My Subconsciousness Might Just Create Another Wild Character That Will Occasionally Take Over This Physical Manifestation Of Myself And Run Amok And Start Insulting People Without Regard To Anything, Kill For The Slightest Dissatisfaction, Jump Off A Building For The Thrill Of It Or Anything Else That Has Occurred In My Head That I've Been Resisting To Do.

And I Also Wonder Is It Really That Hard For People To Be Honest With Me. I'm Constantly Fed This "Being So-And-So Isn't A Bad Thing, It Has It's Own Values," Bull-Fucking-Shit, Probably In The Name Of Caring For My Feelings, Which Makes Me Feel Extremely Miserable, For Myself Because I Need To Be Fed Such Crap, And For The Person Telling It, For Needing To Be So Obviously Dishonest. There, Mr Sivan, Your Theory Disputed; You Can't Be A 'Budak Baik' Telling Only Truths And Care For The Feelings Of Others At The Same Time. Yeah, White Lies They May Be As Well, But When It's SOOOO Obvious That It's A Lie, Does It Not Defeat The Purpose Of Telling It? PLEASE PEOPLE, JUST SPIT IN MY FACE, I CAN TAKE IT!!! DON'T STAB ME IN THE BACK, THAT I CANNOT TAKE!!!

Ah, How I Wish To Retire From Life Now. Now I'll Make A Wish For My Next Life; To Be Born In An Era Where Lies Do Not Exist, Where Truth And Trust Are Absolute. If That Era Will Never Come, Then I Hope That I Shall Never Be Reborn.

With That, Adieu To Y'all. 3 Hours And Counting Down.

(Im)Mortal Irony

Downloading Ayashi No Ceres To Rewatch The Show After Suddenly Recalling A Very Ironic Line From The Anime Which Roughly Goes Like This:

Aya: "All Humans Need Warmth From Other People..."
Yuhi: "... Then Warm Me Up!"

Really Ironic, That Line Coming From Aya And Directed To Yuhi. Those Who Have Watched The Anime Before Will Understand What I'm Talking About.

And I Think I Will Have A Masterpiece Circling Around This Theme Of Emotional Irony Coming Up Soon. Look Forward To It. XD

With That, Adieu To Y'all.

First Doom On The First Day Of The First Term Of The New Year

First Day. Well, Nothing Special. Nothing Special As In There Isn't The Big Hoohaa About Coming Back To Uni Life. But What Is Going On However, Is The Atmosphere. Something Eerily Creepy About It. Worst Of All Is The Fact That I Still Have My UTAR Demo To Worry About And Stuff Like This Comes Bugging Me. Go Away And Don't Ever Come Back Please.

And Awkwardness Confirmed. It's Like I'm Being Chased Away For Something I Done. And As Before, No One's Gonna Tell Me What That Is. Yes, I'm A Slow Retard That Isn't Really All That Mature If You're Gonna Measure My Social Age So PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAVE I DONE BEFORE I DO IT AGAIN!!!

That Aside, My Confidence Is Really Going Down The Hill. The One-Inch-Punch All Of A Sudden Feels So Much Harder To Perform. I Don't Know If It's Because Of The Pressure/Responsibility Or The Fatigue After A Long Day, But What I Could Do Easily I Could Not Do Properly Now. Might Really Need Professional Help In Managing Life After All. Mr Sivan Here I Come LOL.

And I Just Realized How For The Whole Of The Past Month I So Look Forward To Seeing Myself In The Obituaries. Ironic, Huh? How Can I See Myself In The Obituaries If I'm IN The Obituaries!? Rotten Food For Thought.

And With That, Adieu To Y'all. Another 12 Agonizing Hours Of Work Awaits Tomorrow.

Insane Over In Sane

I Just Realized How Much I Need Insanity. It Is What's Keeping Me From Taking My Own Life. In Other Words, Insanity Is What's Keeping Me Sane.

Just Returned From Malacca And Noticed How Much Of A Racist State It Is (Or Once Was). And Of All The Outings With The 19 Gang, This Is Probably The Most 'Priceless' One, Where Most Stuff Happened, From Fatally Serious To Deadly Hilarious.

Well... This Post Is Taking Bloody Long To Complete, Due To The Fact That Upon Returning To KL I Only Have A Day To Rest, And The Next Day I'd Be Traveling Back To Kampar And From That Point On, 6 HOURS OF TRAINING PER DAY, EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' DAY!!!

That Aside,

I'm NO LONGER FREAKIN PROBED EITHER!!!

And After All That Studying All I'm Getting Are Straight Bitches.

Not That I Actually Matters. Because, Well, It Sucks So Much To Be Me That If I Was To Actually Have My Academic Term Terminated, You'd See Me Running Amok In Some Crowded Place With A Dynamite Vest And Several Other Firearms, Bust Some Heads Like Watermelons Before Blowing Myself Up And Appearing In The Headlines Of Newspapers Worldwide As The First Extremist Non-Believer.

And Add All That To 6 Hours Of Sun, Sunburn, Hot Ground, Bubbling Blisters, Unlearning 10 Years Of Habitual Movements And A Bloody Migraine DAILY For A Week, And You'll Know What It Feels Like To Live A Life Like That Of Ian 'IMD!!!' Chee. As I Said Many Times Before, It Sucks To Be Me.

Oh Well, Adieu To Y'all. I'd like to Believe That This Short Breather Was Very Well Utilized.