The Gift Worth Giving

Guys, IanMustDie!!! Is Back And Better Than Ever!
In Just The 3rd Week I Think I've Lived The Liveliest Day Of The Semester.

After The Darn Friday 8 O'clock Class I Brought Jia Yong To The Local Maybank Before Going Into The Westlake Homes. Stopped At Seng Chu's Place With Ben For A Quick Bite Of McD( Which He Went All The Way To Gopeng, 2km From Ipoh To Get). Initially We Were Supposed To Be Discussing About An Assignment Of Ours, But Since Everybody Didn't Get There In Time And Many Of Us Were Still Hungry, We Went Out To Town For Our Really Late Dinner. Proud I Am To Say That I Was One Of The Jokers There That Liven Up The Environment. Even The Journey To And From Town Was Entertaining. Then, It's A Detour To Vonzell's Place For Some Personal Experience Sharing (Where We Get To Know The Evil Side Of Some Of Us).

Saturday Was The Day All The Family Members Of No.19, 17/21B Street 2008~2009 Gathered. Although One Could Not Make It, It Was Fun Nevertheless. Watched The Movie 'Drag Me To Hell' That Turned Out To Be 70% Humour And 30% Horror Instead Of The Thriller That It's Promo Posters Advertised (Based On Pictured Only Of Course, There Weren't Any Other Words To Refer). And The Journey Home Was The Usual 'Wait-For-The-Damn-U27-For-A-Whole-Shitty-Hour-And-Stay-Sardine-Canned-For-Another' Routine.

Today, Mom And Dad Decided To Send Me To Puduraya And Watch Me Board The Bus As I Departed For Kampar, Like The 1st Time By KTM With Fan And Vingent. Only This Time, The Whole Thing Was Somehow So Touching That I Let A Drop Of Tear, The First In Almost 2 Years, Flow, Maybe Due To The Fact That We Waited Longer This Time And Because I Was Alone.

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And Here I Am Now At Home Trying To Copy What I Saw From Another Blog In My Usual Reading List. Sorry Guys, But No, I'm Not Someone With Originality. Sorry To Disappoint Y'all.

Let's See...

Let's Begin With Certain Flashbacks Of This Miserable Life Of Mine.

Before SPM, I Was Always One To Just Stick With My Tiny Circle Of Friends, Like A Wolf To Its Pack. There Were Others Of Course, But None As Close. It All Changed When Those I Thought I Could Confide In Betrayed My Trust And Stabbed Me in The Back. That Was The 1st Calamity Of 2007, Which Also Led To The Second Which I'll Mention Some Other Time. That Was Also The Time When I Coined Myself The Nickname IanMustDie!!!

It Was Then That I Got Closer With The Group Of People Who Are Now My 'Brothers'. With Them I've Shared Good Times And Bad Times That None Has Given Me Before. Even My Choice Of Coming To UTAR Was Because We Planned To Go There As A Group. It Was Us That Originated 2008~2009's Family Of No.19, 17/21B Street, PJ, Which Gradually Expanded To What It Is Today; A Very Huge Family Of 10 Siblings. And Though That House Is No Longer Our Sanctuary, The Bond That Was Created Shall Last For As Long As We Can Hold On To.

And Thanks To The Destiny That Brought Me With My 'Brothers' To UTAR Did I Become A Part Of TB1 PJ May 2008, Which Was Truly An Eye Opener.

Okay, Time To Brag...

In The 11 Years Of My Academic Life Before Tertiary Education, I Dare Say My English Is One Of The Best There Is, And The Difference Between Myself And Others Proficient In The Language Has Never Been Great. All That Changed When I Became A Part Of TB1, Where I Met 2 People That Showed My How Inferior I Am In What I Thought I Do Best. They Are:

1. Joshua Lim Ee Wei, The Guy Who Is So Outspoken, Most Lecturers Aren't A Match For Him, And


2. Le-Anne Teo Wey Herng, Whose Writings Never Cease To Make Me Go "Wow" And Even Gets Me Checking The Dictionary Sometimes.
   

Comparing Myself To Them Is Like Comparing The Size Of A Snake To A Mammoth.

Then There Is Fan, Vingent, Maggie, Kai Kiat And Gavin, That Made My 1st Tertiary Education Year More Than Just Attending Classes And Heading Home To Sleep Right After That. Of Course, Not Forgetting The Rest Of TB1 That Made My Whole Foundation Life Complete.

It Was From This Point Onward That Life Was So Much More Than Staring At The PC Screen All Day, All Night.

Then, These Past 3 Days Got Me Thinking, How Do I Perceive My Ideal Self?

I Like The Way I Am Now. Though Things Could Be Better, I Am Thankful That They Aren't Worse. I Love The Way I Perceive Things In Life, But I Hate My Inability To Express Them.

If There's Something I Really Hate About Myself is Hypocrisy. I Hate Hypocrites More Than Almost Anything But Many Times In Life I Had To Lie To People To Save My Own Skin. Talk About Self Contradiction, Huh...?

The Worst Ever Would Be My Own Futile, Stupid And Close To Desperate Attempts To Be In An Intimately Romantic Relationship With Another. Why? How Do I Put It... I Was, Maybe Still Am, Always 'Trying So Hard' To Know How It Feels Like To Actually Be Almost Always Together With Someone Who Had Done Or Said Something Special To You, To Know That This Particular Person Will Always Be By Your Side To Grant You Miracles When You Need Them Most And When You Least Expect Them. But How Cruel Can It Be When You're Always The One On The Receiving End, Never Being Able To Return The Favour Because You Are Clearly Inferior To The One That You Chose To Want To Be By Your Side Every Second Of Your Life From This Moment Onward? To Never Be Able To Grant Miracles To The One You Care For, But To Just Be Able To Offer A Listening Ear, To The Once That Could Potentially Bring You Countless Times Out Of Death's Grip?

Saying All That, The Only Way I Can Explain My Desires For Intimacy Is Lust; The Craving Of The Ever-Growing Heart Which Does So Much More Rapidly Than The Mind Can Ever Catch Up.

Which Also Leads To Other People Having A Hard Time With Me Because Of Me Being Too Emotionally Sensitive. The Slightest Wrong Choice Of Words Could Destroy My Day. This Is A Really Great Problem, Especially When There Are People Around You Who Are Slower Than You Are, Even When You Think No One Can Possibly Be Slower Than You Are Until The Next 50 Billion Years, When Earth Itself Dies Of Old Age. For This Kind Of People, Which I Only Know Of 2, This All I Can Say To You:

You Are Guilty Of Innocence.
You Are Guilty Of Ignorance.
You Are Guilty Of Stupidity.
You Are Guilty Of Naivety.

Keep This Up And Not Have Change Cross Your Mind For Even A Split Second And I Can Assure You I Will Hurt You With The Sharpest Of Words In My Vocabulary.

Yeah, This May Be A Sort Of Pride, Which Means Another Self Contradiction. Many In My Small World I See As Vastly Inferior To Myself, Even More Unworthy Of My Presence, And When I Reflect On My Foundation Year, I Realize Something Significant; It Is I Who Is Unworthy Sometimes, Especially In The Presence Of The Likes Of The Two Names Mentioned Above. Even Until Now, It Is An Honour To Me, To Have Met Them, To Have Been Their Classmates, To Have The Opportunity To Be Their Friend, To Have Them In Their Lives, To Have Them Leave Their Meaningful Mark In This Miserable Existence That Is Ian Chee. How I Wish To Meet Them Again, How I Wish To Speak To Them In Person Again, How I Wish To Show Them The New And Improved Me. The Me That Can Go Crazier Than Anyone, As Long As There Is Someone To Light The Fire. Though That Chance Is Slim Now Due To Our Distance Apart, I Believe That It Will Happen Soon Enough.

But All This Attention That I Seek, Is This Truly Me?

No, It Is Not. Other Than People That I Am Really Close To, I'd Very Much Prefer To Hide My Entire Self From Others. To Be The Wolf That I Once Was, Only Sticking To My Own Pack. Other People That Mean Nothing To Me, It Wouldn't Really Bother Me If I Meant Nothing To Them Either, Though I Admit, There Are Moments Of Envy When Everyone Is Talking To Everyone Else And Laughing Their Lungs Out While I Stay By The Sidelines And Listen To Their Words.

All That Aside, I Guess I Already Got All The Attention I Deserve, More Would Mean More Work Before They Come.

Why's That? Well... Looking Back To The Past When I Was Just An Ignorant 6 Year Old Kid, I'd Call Anyone A Friend. And Those 'Friends' Keep Their True Colours From You For The Next 10 Years And All Of A Sudden, Strike At You Where It Hurts Most. Probably I Deserve That As Well. But That Made All The Difference. If That Didn't Happen, I'd Never Be Mixing With The Gang Who Are Now Like Family To Me; The Brothers And Sisters That I Lack Biologically. If I Weren't A Part Of This New Family, I Would Never Be A Part Of Another Family That Is No.19, 17/21B Street 2008~2009. And Ultimately, If I Was Never A Part Of This Family, I Would Never Be Able To Meet All The Saints And Deities That Make Up TB1 PJ May 2008.

In Other Words, If I've Never Felt Betrayed, I'd Never Have Felt So Significant. Never Would've Love And Felt Loved. Never Before Had Anyone Smash A Whole Cake In My Face In The Eve Of My Birthday, And Call Another Group Of People Who Were Close to Complete Strangers To Them To Celebrate With A Grand Steamboat On The Next Day. Thanks To You Guys Of No.19, 17/21B Street 2008~2009 And TB1 PJ May 2008. Because Of Y'all, Life For Me Has Officially Started On 17 November 2008. I Love Y'all!!!

And Maybe I Should Also Officially Thank The Fucking Pieces Of Shit That Ruined 10 Years Of My Life. If You Bunch Didn't Break Me, There'd Be No Need For Others To Pick Up The Pieces And Improve Me. Thanks To You I'm Better Than Ever.

Again, Infinite Thanks To All The People Who Made My Life Worth Living, Especially My Bros Who Were Always There For Me, Always Trying To Fix My Flaws, Always Trying To Right My Wrongs. Though I've Barely Been Able To Return The Favour, I Won't Stop Trying. Y'all Have My Word On That. And Just Like Me Liking Myself As Much As I Hate Myself, I Love Your Company When I Say I Need To Be Alone Sometimes. And As Much As I Say I'd be Forgotten Before, It's Just As Much That I Hope I Won't Be.

Just So That Y'all Know, What Made Me So Sentimental All Of A Sudden Was 'Honey And Clover II' And A Blog Post titled 'Warm Water'

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A Motto Of Mine That I Coined Some 7 Years Ago; I Am Who I Am, I Was Who I Was And I Will Be Who I Will Be. And Thanks Guys For Accepting Who I Am, For Caring About Who I Was And Most Importantly, Helping Me Become Who I Will Be.

Adieu To Y'all. You Guys Are A Gift To Me, And I Intent To Return The Favour.