The furthest, most eye-opening flight

I'm not even home yet and I miss Perth already.

Maybe I'm missing Australia in general. I miss the nice cool winds, the chilly nights, but most of all, I miss two things: the friendliness of the people working in the service industry, and the fact that every single person speaks in English, which means much to me, as a person whose first language is that of her royal highness.

I already dread the service industry back home. The industry where people are either "friendly" when they annoy you with a "yes?" whenever you pass by their shop, or when they totally ignore you. I already miss the properly friendly culture where staff of shops greet you with a simple "hello" or following up with "how are you today?" in which you could just reply with your own "hello" or answer their question with any of the variations of "I'm fine, thank you," after which they leave you to your own devices or ask if you need help with anything. Best of all is that everyone speaks in complete English sentences, which gives the illusion that they're actually trying to strike a meaningful conversation with you, rather than just wanting your money and you out of there immediately after.

Another thing I massively enjoyed was the opportunity to speak in the Queen's English, rather than our Manglish. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against Manglish; I speak it more than English, and continue to do so with most of the people I know. But the idea of being able to use proper grammar and not use unnecessary suffixes at the end of every sentence was extremely stimulating. There has never been a culture shock as pleasant as this.

As this is the furthest I have ever been from the land I call home, it is natural that this is the first time I actually felt like I'm traveling away from home. There have been differences between home and our closer neighbours, but in the end, it has to be said that there are way more similarities than there are differences, the key one probably being weather. In fact, if it weren't for the knowledge that I was in a foreign country, should I have suffered from amnesia I would have believed that I was in Malaysia even if I was in fact in Singapore, Thailand or Indonesia. And I cannot imagine saying the same for Australia.

As with Singapore, I could easily imagine making a living in Australia if I was paid in Australian dollars instead of in ringgit. In fact, with my fairly thrifty nature, I would say that I'd probably live a comfortable life with ample luxuries. Then again, from what I've seen, the average middle class person in the anglosphere probably would too, when I'm reminded of the value of their currency and the buying power that results.

So yes, I am extremely poor as a result of my visit to Australia, but it has been a very well-worth visit. I can only imagine the joy I would experience should I be able to visit America or Britain. But I probably wouldn't simply because of how much it would cost to merely get there, not to mention to live there for a few days.

And on that bombshell, adieu to y'all.

P.S.: Apparently the kindness I described does not apply to the whole of Australia, which is a little disappointing. Still, should I have the fortune to be moving to the country, I know which city I'll be calling home.

Feelings of my Beating Heart

It wasn't that long ago when,
My dead heart started beating once again,
It was thanks to a dazzling smile,
My heart it will continue to beguile.

Will you be willing to hold my hand,
As we fly away to a far away land?
May I have this dance, my lady?
Or is he still in your dreams lately?

The thought of giving up had crossed my mind,
But I'm unable to do it, I find;
My pride compels me to test my might,
My feelings compel me to keep up the fight.

Though tepid your feelings for me may be,
In the end, you're the only one I see,
Will you let me hold your hand?
For you light up the darkness where I stand.

I remember the day we first met,
It was a sight I'll never forget,
Since then I've not one regret,
For every time, your attention I get.

I know you're tired of making angry faces,
It's put my feelings through its paces,
That's how I know that they're still true,
For after seeing them, I still love you.

I'd love to converse with you more,
Even if they're things you've heard of before,
You sway me silly, this fact I avow,
But are you still thinking of him right now?

Even if you do not care for me,
I'm still in love with you, you see,
No matter where in your heart I stand,
I'll be waiting for you to hold my hand.

Bidding an Angel Farewell

My time is short and I haven't gone far,
The progress I made was not up to par,
Will I gain my beloved prize,
Or should I have heeded what I realize?

The soft touch, I've begun to miss,
The gentle voice that brought me such bliss,
The one who has brought out the best of me,
Made me the best man I could ever be.

Now I feel like I've been left in the dark,
Seeking the slightest twinkle or spark,
I sought to taste the forbidden fruit,
Yet now I feel I've lost this pursuit.

Never has one inspired me so,
Fueled my passion to such a blaze,
Never have I been so raring to go,
Only you I desire with such a craze.

Prematurely, I foresee an end,
To the time together that we spend,
I wish I could do more before then,
I wish for the chance to try again.

For you I give beyond my all,
For you I risk my greatest fall,
For you I fight to change my fate,
For you I will patiently wait.

Perhaps you don't feel as I do for you,
Only for me is this magic true,
But I'd do it all over again,
For your love I'll endure infinite pain.

Even if all this must end some day,
There is something I have to say;
Let it be on this note, when we do part:
Know that I love you with all my heart.

Essence of a Yearning Soul

Life continues to push me down,
Too many times I've been made to frown,
My thoughts now consumed with death,
Yet I wake every morning drawing breath.

When will I gain control,
Of the yearnings of my soul?
Again and again my desire,
Leads me to burn in fire.

Will I, for once, obtain what I seek,
Even when conditions appear most bleak?
Will I have the conviction to see it through,
And still endure the failure that may ensue?

Why must the forbidden fruit taste so sweet?
It's mere absence makes me feel incomplete;
It's mere taste gives me wings to fly,
If I can't have it, I'd rather just die.

But I've never wanted something more,
So deep within me it tore,
Never have I felt such desperation,
Never was I fueled with such volition,
This one time I shan't relent,
For you I'll endure any torment,
Till I've the snow flower that is your heart,
I shall not be falling apart.

I will make known my feelings for you,
My actions will show that they are true,
Even if now they are not due,
I will prove that I am the one for you.

You have brought out the best of me,
Half of my life's best work are thanks to thee,
I hope to gain the right to let you see,
My endless pool of poetry.

You are engraved in my soul,
You are the angel I seek,
You are the one who makes me whole,
You are the only one for me, Monique.

Petals of a Snow Flower

I have always known the summer sun,
The light from which I cannot run,
But when I catch a glimpse of your eyes,
I am cooled from the heat I so despise.

Through your eyes I see snowflakes,
Flowers from the winter sky,
When I lose sight of them, my heart aches,
Yet I can do naught but stand idly by.

Perhaps love is like a snow flower,
A beauty which I can never see and never hold,
Never taste and never smell;
Will the day I see my first snowflake shower,
Be the day I'm set free from this empty cold,
And finally know love's alluring spell?

I'd like to be able to melt your heart,
Like how the summer sun melts the snow,
I hope these words of mine are a start,
Because for you, they will endlessly flow.

Will I one day hold your hand,
And walk with you on frozen lakes?
Will I hold you close as we stand,
Among the countless falling flakes?

Will I ever gain the right,
To be by your side every night,
To together catch the new day's first light,
All the way to the following twilight?

Perhaps love is like a snow flower,
A beauty that exists only in dreams,
Never tangible and never real;
Will the day I stand in a snowflake shower,
Be the day I feel the endless streams,
Of snow and of your love that will finally reveal,
A real snow flower within your heart?

If so,
I'd like to embrace your everything,
Your strengths and weaknesses, your slights and extremes,
I'd like this to be more than just a fling,
For you are the snow flower of my dreams.

Looking for an Angel's Heart

As I awake every day,
I know I will be led astray,
The moment I catch your warm gaze,
Which ignites a passionate craze.

I'm so madly enthralled by you,
That's when I know these feelings are true,
I know that I'm in love with you,
Yet I know these feelings are not due.

When will it change, this relationship?
This feeling of being toyed and shoved?
You are not mine to tightly grip,
Nor are you mine to deeply love.

My feelings are going nowhere,
Such agony beyond compare,
I've spent sleepless nights trying not to care,
Hoping you'll know yet remain unaware.

How intense must these feelings be,
Before they can safely reach thee?
My heart can contain them no more,
But these feelings, I still cannot outpour.

Will these feelings fade away,
Like cherry blossoms at the end of spring?
Will I survive to see the day,
When these conflicting feelings take wing?

Will these feelings be frozen,
Despite my heart's burning passion?
Will I succumb to the poison,
Of this unrequited emotion?

I want to stay near you,
I want an end to just glancing at you,
I want to make known my feelings for you,
I want to shout out "I love you."

Musings of a Withered Mind

And now I’ve done it. Torn myself up and apart.

It felt like only yesterday the fading embers within were relit into the raging blaze that got me into this mess. And it literally was only yesterday when the raging blaze decided to suddenly up and vanish, leaving the dying embers which place the burning flames took.

It was this very blaze that allowed me to write five of the seven best works of my life. And yet, the very same blaze has consumed me, leaving me dead on the inside now. Perhaps even the hottest of flames die when there is nothing left to burn.

The void has returned sooner than I had expected it to. The seeping despair has dampened the flames faster than I thought it would. And now, I sit here wondering, why did my heart light up in the first place if it wasn’t going to stay lit until the very bitter end? And the end isn’t even that much further away. How different would my life had been if the dying embers were not relit by that one dazzling, beguiling smile?

A smile that proclaims to mask a succubus. Yet, I couldn’t care less if there was any truth behind those words. If I could die in a way of my choice, then being sucked lifeless by a succubus would be a dream come true. A dream that remains a dream, as sweet as it was, and as long as it has lasted, for in the end, the painful reality wakes me from the deepest sleep. After all, if a Devil such as I deserved a companion, a succubus would be the perfect fit. But, again, perfection is the stuff of dreams. No such greatness belongs in the realm of reality.

As I was enthralled, everything seemed hopeful… happy, even. and now that I am disenthralled by reasons still unknown, reality reminds me to stop dreaming for as long as I’m awake and alive. Something I've always endeavoured to do, but as this entire scenario has shown, something I cannot maintain. The heart is a fickle thing, one that, sadly, I cannot live without.

It is also in this moment of clarity that I have realized how much of a woman I’ve become in my pursuit of one. I’ve inadvertently begun to rely on others, to speak my mind more often to those who couldn’t care less, to be nosy and noisy, to be weak and reliant. My old stoic, solitary and strong self has been completely destroyed by my desire of her company. My 24 years of solitude turned into loneliness in a mere three months, and for the 6 months since, I’ve caused trouble to my surrogate brothers and sisters. I, the strongest of the lot, reduced to the weakest of them all, by a force I do not comprehend, yet desire so dearly. But perhaps my softer self has been a blessing, as it cushioned the fall somewhat; despite this being my most emotionally invested attempt, it also ended up being the least hurtful, even if it was the most disappointing one. Also arguable is that my soft self has been my best self after all. I would think so, for I've been willing to do things I'd have never would have done otherwise. My surrogate family would agree, albeit for different reasons.

It was long ago that I have accepted that, no effort nor labour is a match for fate. And yet, this single encounter made me take leave of all reason, to believe that my purest sheer will and effort is enough to change my fate. I knew I was delusional, I knew I will be disappointed, and yet I went for it anyway. It was more than a lapse of judgement; it was totally taking leave of my senses.

I started this journey, with the expectation of failure. I was not disappointed, and yet I feel immense disappointment. Partly because my preparedness had not saved me from my expected despair, but perhaps partly also because I was silly enough to believe in my nonexistent ability to change the flow of my destiny.

Perhaps this is me biting of more than I could chew. Perhaps this is me not knowing my place. But all that’s fine. Now, I seek the next best thing: closure. I can only suspect that the dampening of the raging blaze within was due to the obvious reluctance at reciprocation, again something I foresaw yet could not handle.

Also aware I am of the hypocrisy of it all. From my own defending of high moral standards and my own breaking of the very same standards, to the simultaneous support and disdain shown towards my endeavours; people who both encourage and discourage me at the same time. It is true then: time is the answer to everything; from the destiny the future holds to the honesty of mortals.

At the end of it all, I regret only the fact that I'm not in control of my own emotions. All that I have done beyond, I regret none. I'd rather regret making a mistake than regret inaction; a lesson I've learned since a previous debacle.

Foreseeing Impending Doom

I’ve seen the future and I’m not in it,
The world revolves on as it sees fit,
Though I foresee my fall from such heights,
I can’t help but continue my flights.

At long last, I am finally freed,
My own delusions I no longer feed,
Eyes open after sweet, long dream,
For painful reality still reigns supreme.

I’ve but a fortnight to brace for the fall,
Then I’ll return to being a living doll,
The inner fire has died once again,
Hopes dashed as pain and despair reign.

The embers of my wings grow cold,
Despite the former flame raging bold,
Ash they may remain this time,
Never to be lit to its brilliant prime.

My resignation to failure,
Has failed to be my saviour;
I was prepared to not succeed,
Yet in loss, despair continues to breed.

Indeed I should’ve heeded what I knew,
That dreams are always too good to be true,
That reality is all but pleasant,
Only in dreams are joy and hope present.

I’ve done all that I could do,
Determined now is my efforts’ value,
Proven that labour is no match for fate,
Which causes nothing but sorrow and hate.

Another heart I have yet lost,
As a seemingly inevitable cost,
Should another take its place in this void,
May the one who claims it be overjoyed.