Ian Must Die!!!

When all hope was lost.

2012-01-17T00:44:00.000+08:00

Here I am once again in Kampar, where I am to spend the next 14 weeks in the purest form of suffering known to humanity.

It’s a Monday today as I am typing this, but I have no idea when I will be able to publish this online as the new place I am staying at has no internet connectivity. Hell, I don’t even know the other tenants (if there are any at all) to discuss with them the solution to this problem. I realize I was in a rush when I got this place and didn’t think several things over before I decided that I wanted to spend one more semester here. Fortunately, Plan B is easily available. Of course, like all back up plans, it isn’t as ideal and there will be extra complications to deal with, but in this case I’m quite grateful that it isn’t totally unreasonable of a plan.

I still remember the Saturday that I arrived here. The moment I set foot on the familiar streets, I was immediately filled with this overwhelming surge of sadness and sorrow. I was instantly depressed and felt intense weight around my eyes. But, as always, letting those tears out is the hardest possible thing for me to do. It was so bad that I actually decided that for once I might actually benefit from spending the night with my parents at Grand Kampar Hotel.

Fortunately for me, Sunday was a much better day. The morning spent with mother and father was actually quite enjoyable. Again, never thought I’d say this, but that’s how it turned out to be. Ironically, I might actually have that bout of depression to thank for getting my father back to talking terms with myself, after almost half a year of deliberately not talking to him. Lunch with the family actually did not feel irritating, even with father’s usual blatant self-embarrassing. After they left for home, I killed the entire afternoon at the local cyber café, Fecca. Got a damn good friend (probably the best I have over here) to help me kill the evening. We went to the local McDonalds and talked about the good old times during our first year, how the second year became the point that tore everything apart, for both his course and mine, what were we planning to do after graduation and so on. Then just when we were about to leave, our Tae Kwon Do instructor showed up with his assistant, and we decided we should get some other fellow students to come over and talk crap until midnight.

So thank you Vingent for being a friend in need, a friend indeed.

I was about to talk about what happened during my semester break as well, which was actually spent very meaningfully, but I guess I’ll just leave that for another time. All in all, those 4 weeks were the time where I potentially fixed some broken bonds with my ‘19’ family, made a small number of friends halfway across the globe and otherwise having a jolly good time on PSN with said friends, as well as chilling with another brother of bonds.

And to close, to every one of my friends out there with a PSP, please pick up a not-too-old game called Phantasy Star Portable 2 and join us, The Grey Army, online.

With that, adieu to y’all.

P.S.: This is finally published on 17th

The end of immortality

2011-11-29T01:54:00.001+08:00

Fading is my confidence,
Lost is my coherence,
Is this a sign of my mortality,
Or am I losing my sanity?

Will I share the fate of the lotus eater,
Or will my suffering be much greater?

Perhaps in the end it matters not,
For even losing battles must be fought,
Knowing I've strived for the best that could be,
Empowered the few who matter to me,
That, is my unofficial victory.

Take a bloody hint, you necrophilic cunt!!!

2011-11-21T20:52:00.001+08:00

It is amazing sometimes. People who you barely know anymore speak to you once a year at most, not in person, just to say something trivial like ‘happy birthday’ which they are not even sincere about. Why do people even bother to commit such trivial hypocrisy when the disadvantages outnumber the benefits infinite to none?

To the bastards who have stopped committing this foolish deed i.e. terminated all forms of contact permanently, well, good for you. Though it took you bunch long enough to realize what you did was incorrigible and have finally moved on. To the arseholes who still continue to do this, wise up, fools. Then again, if that was possible, what happened wouldn’t have happened in the first bloody place. So no need to wise up (since you can’t, anyway), but get the message, then move on.

Some of you may say ‘don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions’. If you do, then you are an idiot, because, well just imagine what one was put through if one has to make such a decision, so that one doesn’t have to go through that again. Especially when those words come from the cause of all the agony. It’s like a thief telling the owner of the house he/she looted to ‘don’t permanently decide to lock the door at night just because you feel threatened the other night’. Bollocks. Complete bollocks.

Adieu to y’all. To the bastards and arseholes, permanently, I hope.

The obvious and the ironic.

2011-08-18T15:12:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, it takes more than a smack to the face for some people to realize that they screwed up. Hell, you could smack a brick into some thick person's face and he won't be able to tell if it was a brick or a block of cheese.

In case you do not live in Malaysia and/or have no idea what’s dominating the local newspapers these few days (since last week if I recall correctly), it’s the fact that many people of my generation will be internationally illiterate. As in, they’ll only be able to speak the language that they proudly defend, but is hardly understood by anyone else not of this country.

What’s worse though is that the people, or rather, the person with bollocks for brains who ensured this disaster still had the balls to wonder publicly why is the standard of English among new generation Malaysians so impossibly low. No pun intended by the way.

Some say that the reintroduction of teaching maths and science in English was quite the fiasco. If you ask me, I’d say the re-reverting to teaching said subjects in Malay was a catastrophe, and that is still an understatement. It may as well spell Malaysia’s Armageddon. It’s not that they do not realize the importance of the international language at the time (or at least I hope so), but rather they wanted citizens to be proud of the national language. Another lesson for us that whenever pride is involved, things tend to go, at best, a little too far and at worst, way off target.

Then, on and on people talk about how they should import English teachers and revamp the education system to improve the level of English and all that. And they all keep missing the best method: play more video games.

Seriously. If anyone ever played any of the Final Fantasy games and actually paid attention to the story you can expect them to learn more than reading the entire Lord of the Rings series. And I can say for certain that I owe my competence of the language to the entire Metal Gear Solid storyline; from the Snake Eater/Subsistence prologue to the Guns of the Patriots finale, among other games I play.

That said, one needs to have the right attitude to gaming in order to reap such benefits. Most people I know skip the in-game cut-scenes and jump straight to the gameplay, then complain about the game being too complicated and quit calling it a stupid game, when it is the cut-scenes that tell the story, giving hints on how to play and what to do at any particular stage. These people are the idiots who feed the stereotype of the older generations that playing games make you dumb. The fact however, is this: when people play games, the dumb get dumber and the smart get smarter. Among my closest friends, most of them are gamers who have the correct attitude to gaming; treating it like a movie and actually appreciating the story the directors put behind the gameplay. They are also the ones that I can speak English to comfortably, and is, more often than not, our preferred method of communication.

Teachers all around the world should take this as a serious approach to teaching the language. Parents should also learn to dismiss the stereotypes and pick games with epic storylines (like any Final Fantasy and the whole Metal Gear Solid timeline) for their children to play, instead of letting them surf the net when all they want is to play some pointless Facebook game. In fact, letting them play merely the prologue of Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker alone and they will learn more English and Cold War history than they would learn anything from every Facebook game combined, besides how to click real fast at certain parts of the screen and thrash your mouse real fast that is.

With that in mind, I am contemplating on whether or not to take bro Yat’s suggestion of teaching English. Hopefully I will be able to clear the name of games and introduce it as an effective method of teaching the language. Perhaps with this method, we may see the day where every major examination in the country has not just a 100% passing rate, but a 100% A rate for English.

With that, adieu to y’all. Sorry no bombshells today.

Ironic how vast the difference is

2011-08-03T12:30:00.002+08:00

Last week, like every other week I spend the weekends over at a very good friend's place. On Saturday night, his brother and a few other people had to bring someone into the house due to said person experiencing some sort of complications. Not wanting to have anything to do with the whole situation or speak our minds aloud to further complicate matters, we went upstairs, away from all the commotion. The area, being predominantly a Malay 'kampung', had their share of such complications before, or so I believe.

Then my friend, Yat, said something epically priceless: "Is it just me, or it is only people who face such problems are those who believe?"

Let me explain.

The 'victim' as I shall refer to as the person facing said complications, was experiencing a period of intense fear/anxiety all of a sudden and, as I believe, for only a very short time. From what I heard, it began abruptly without warning.

Now, there are 2 ways of defining such an explanation. People from the fields of mental health, such as myself, and medical science, know that this is textbook panic attack, or hysteria depending on severity. People from the field of teaching speculation and denying facts, however, believe that this is a sign of a possession, either by malevolent spirits or by demons.

As I mentioned earlier, being a Malay 'kampung', any such occurrences are almost immediately identified as a possession. So, too, was how it was identified when the victim was brought in. Thus I understand how Yat felt when he said that only people who believe in possessions are the only ones who end up ever getting possessed.

This is a problem. When there is a proper medical explanation to such symptoms, there are people who do not seem to be able to have that cross their mind, but instead jump immediately to a pseudo-explanation. The root of it? Simple. Back in the day, when people did not have the means to satisfy their own infinite curiosity, they relied on pseudo-explanations to satisfy, almost to gratify, in fact, their own need to know; the greatest of which is the non-existent dictator called God. It is sad that now, when people are capable of finding true and proper explanations, people still rely on pseudo-explanations to questions in life.

On a side note, it has been a while since the last time anyone ever told me to go to hell. When I was a child, I used to fear the notion. Recently, however, some saint-wannabe prat just told a friend to go to hell because he used strong words in idle chit-chat. And his name was Gabriel. Probably the same kind of Gabriel as the one in Gundam Seed Destiny, that war-mongering prick, I thought. Not very pure yourself, if you condemn another, for whatever the reason. If I were there, I might just tell him how happy I would be to go to hell by being a bit obnoxious and reciting my own poem ‘My Immortal Stand’.

And on that bombshell, adieu to y’all.

P.S.: Long hiatus, I know. But, could be longer.

Can't stress it enough

2011-05-04T12:53:00.001+08:00

I realize, again, that I've been repeating myself over the same points over and over again. It’s probably a curse; being only able to spot weakness and not strength.

Well, here’s something fresh for a change.

Don’t know if he knew it when he first played it for the class, but the song 手紙～拝啓十五の君へ～ by Angela Aki was initially a song for the 75th NHK National School Music Contest in 2008, Junior High School (12–15 years old) Division. It became such a hit that from that point on, many schools use it as their graduation song.

And it’s surprising in 2 ways, to me at least. First is that it’s not a hard song to play if it were in C major. Second is that because it is NOT in C major, it’s unexpectedly frustrating. So to anyone who wants to try it but has an incompetent ear like mine, it’s in A♭ major.

That’s probably one of the many weaknesses of being musically trained with the harmonica: too focused on C, that every other scale you hear it as a C and only realize it is not when you actually try it out.

An equally good graduating song would be Nickelback’s Photograph. A little old and inappropriate at some parts, but nothing says ‘missing the memories’ like it.

This is actually a bad thing. If I keep this up, I’ll be just like people of the past generation who listen to old tracks and think new ones like the totally terrible ****** ****** or **** **** etc. are the killers of music.

But whatever. That isn’t quite the main issue. What is is that I’ve always wanted to die before I get old, but based on how things are going, I already am.

And on that bombshell, adieu to y’all.

Nothing is right. Meaning everything is wrong

2011-04-30T15:55:00.001+08:00

This is usually not the kind of time anyone would want to spend on blogging, since the exams are on and all. Which is precisely why I do it. Because this, being Malaysia, is the kind of time where everyone is too busy committing things they know to memory to have any time for learning anything new. I doubt anyone reads the newspaper for these few days when they’re too busy reading their textbooks and notes. And what I have to say is precisely NOT meant for them, more because they can’t be bothered than because they don’t deserve it; in fact it would do them a world of difference if they saw this. It’s for people who are concerned not about their future money or income or anything of the like, but rather their future.

And I shall begin by referencing a post from ‘The Carapace’ and a news article quoted there. I will not bother repeating whatever that is there here, but I will point out some of the finer details that people either don’t know about, ignore, deny or acknowledge but decided nothing can be done. Sure, their setting is in Australia but I think people are intelligent enough to localize. Unless of course you’re too fixated in obeying a nonexistent dictator.

First point being that, and I quote, “Every election people find themselves asking politicians what they will give them in return for their vote. They forget that we employ our politicians to do a job. We should approach the process of electing them as we would if we were hiring an employee. Can you imagine going into a job interview and having your potential future employer ask you what you are willing to give them in exchange for the job? Shouldn't you be hired on the basis of merit rather than bribery? Of course you should.”

I guess it goes without saying that only people who deserve the votes will get them, not people who promise to be deserving of it. There’s no way of telling if one is being true to their word – like a decent human being – or being a typical politician – lying their way into and then abusing the newfound power and privilege – at all. I wanted to use bona fide but as you can see from the context, it is clearly inappropriate.

I’m not saying all politicians are liars. No doubt there are some out there with clearly good intentions, but unfortunately for these endangered number of people, that’s just the stereotype. And as I have said before, people who stereotype are unfortunate people who have seen more of what they shouldn’t have than what they should have.

The solution? There isn’t one. Because the only thing close to being perfectly fair is communism. But the problem is that it’s way too fair that people lose whatever bragging rights they may have, and that’s the problem with people. Even if we left shame out of the equation, we all still prefer to die proud than live as equals.

Or maybe there is. For one thing, voting shouldn’t be an obligation; it should be a privilege. Every time the elections draw near you hear “exercise your rights” with an almost ‘or else’ tone. Why bother? You’re just pushing people who know nothing or those who can’t be bothered to risk making the wrong choice. At least make sure the people who vote are interested and educated so that at least they know for themselves they are making the right decision.

Speaking of education, the current system’s got to change as well. Currently, and apparently it’s not exclusive to Malaysia, children face their parents’ personal firing squad whenever they come back with a report card that has anything which is not an ‘A’. I’m not alone when I say that school, the way it is now, is almost completely useless. It’s so bad that ‘the dim kids work and work and work until their little hormones are fried and then emerge after five years, suicidal, mad and with an A-level in media studies. The bright kids, meanwhile, lounge all day knowing that a CV will never be checked so, when asked how many A-levels they have, they can lie and say 264’ (Jeremy Clarkson, 27 January 2008). And I totally agree with him when he said ‘all school does is put you off things that might, later in life, be interesting’.

I knew a person from my school who was at the top of the grade without fail every year, but freaks out every time she attempts to cook an egg for herself. Seriously, children in school should be taught to survive as an adult, not be a quantum physicist who cleans public toilets.

Then there’s the segregation. They force science students to be Isaac Newton, Ivan Pavlov and Dmitri Mendeleev all at the same time within two years, when they might, like me, end up with social sciences. Like psychology, for instance. Sure they prepare you for what you might be going into, assuming that there’s nowhere else you can go. It’s like bringing a nuclear warhead into a parliamentary debate: infinitely excessive.

Then there’s history. Instead of all the meaningless dates to memorise about who died when and what year did he take the whole world down with him, why not discuss the impact of whatever his actions may be?

Better yet, why not scrap the whole subject and use newspapers instead? Instead of learning about the past that we cannot do anything about, why not learn about the present and at least know which idiotic politician is taking bribes today so that when you’re of age you know not to vote for him or her instead of learning about how dead some fool was a thousand years ago, and the only benefit that will be today is knowing how much deader he is now compared to then?

But I guess that’s not possible either because what was once known as current affairs is now known as politics and students are not allowed to take part in it. The only thing students are allowed to take part in is mass suicide in the slowest form possible: losing sanity by replacing it with irrelevant knowledge.

Well, nothing is perfect. Perhaps in the same way that perfect is nothing.

And on that bombshell, adieu to y’all.

Can't Help But Hate It

2011-03-31T05:24:00.001+08:00

Seriously. Epic drama where the tired ones are the supporting characters, good Samaritan suffers while the swindler is having the time of his/her life, rain pelting down ONLY when I’m outdoors, what’s not to hate?

I understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but honestly saying, I’ve seen more attractive lavatories.

Sometimes it’s the X-factor that you look out for, but it’s the only thing you never see.

It’s sad to know that sometimes innocence is just another way of saying ignorance; in the same way that sometimes personality is just another way of saying belief.

I’m feeling more and more lifeless by the day. I just hope that it stops being metaphorical and starts getting literal. Right about now would be nice.

Adieu to y’all.

Remember the Terms, Please.

2011-03-22T09:28:00.002+08:00

Done some thinking during yesterday’s rather appalling day, frankly, and realized maybe I should call it quits. Because this is more than what I signed up for. It’s like signing up for a job as driver then made to be part of a bank job. Sure, it’s my job to drive around, but not be the driver for a heist that will land me in prison.

And y’all have got to realize that asking me to do what you’re asking of me will only work in the same way as digging a grave with a spanner will work; that by the time you’re done, so much time has passed you might as well bury yourself in the very same hole.

Subtly adding terms to my contract don’t work, in case you have a not so commendable memory. You have doubts? Questions? A problem with amending it? The solution is simple. Fire me.

And it’s the last week. Only when I am in the very same position do I not agree with what the bunch is saying; ‘there isn’t much time left, let’s focus on the job’. Right. If so, stop asking questions. Because after all, you bunch are unaware of my terms to begin with. I agreed to help carry the burden whenever I can, not fill a gap or take a responsibility.

But then again, I don’t blame you. You bunch don’t know me well enough. No one who hasn’t will ever want to. Probably the same for those who already know me well.

Adieu to y’all. Think about it, because I certainly have.

Immortal Journey

2011-03-10T23:42:00.002+08:00

As I open the door to my personal sanctuary,
I prepared myself to leave this eternal winter,
Leaving a print behind in the bitter cold,
Knowing that it will eventually,
Be erased by the raging snow.

How I wish I could be,
In the spring that I could only see,
Through a window into a different world,
One so close yet so far from me.

I stare on into the unattainable comfort,
Knowing I need to again tread the blizzard,
To leave the twinkling hope behind,
And unreal desires out of mind.

Perhaps I can find comfort in chaos,
Or establish order in anxiety,
Perhaps I can find meaning in the mundane,
And make a living in this barren, winter wasteland.

Moral Morality

2011-02-26T23:28:00.004+08:00

Last night Vingent and I had a really later dinner at around 11pm at the local McD, and talked quite a load, on things like our coming industrial training, how our home may possibly be haunted because some daft, superstitious and gutless hallucinating friends of Fan saw some shadow-or-other dashing up the stairs, and how some people can be plain degenerates when it comes to being human. Or humane, for that matter.

But they all don’t quite matter because as some wise person supposedly said, ‘if everyone in the world were good people, then the world would be a very boring place and heaven would be made redundant’. Quite true, save the fact that a realm that doesn’t exist cannot be redundant. And that shadow-or-other might actually be the guardian demon that I’ve always wanted, that is here to watch over me and curse whoever who crosses me without provocation.

But possibly the most important thing we discussed that night was human morality, how it is truly meant to be and the role of religion and our very own will in enforcing it.

Back when I was just a child, there’s the first ever series of anime called Digimon that I was totally crazy over, and as I recall the part of it that really inspired me to be a good guy was the 8 crests and the values and virtues they represent: Courage, Friendship, Love, Sincerity, Knowledge, Reliability, Hope, and lastly, Light, probably some religious propaganda in an otherwise good mix of values. Given its irrelevance, I have decided to interpret Light as simply being a good person, in general, seeing as how darkness has always been wrongly attributed to evil.

Right. So we have these 8 values that would’ve sufficed for us to live in this world peacefully, but only if it came from within ourselves, as portrayed by the very same show. Distort it, or if it comes with ulterior motive, or if it was otherwise forced, then it works too, for a while before it backfires just as effectively as you wouldn’t want it to.

And this is where religion spoils it all. Every one of it. Especially the monotheistic ones. Even the agnostic Buddhism and its karmic claptrap is no exception. Why? Simple, really.

You see, what every single religion out there are saying, to be very honest, direct and blunt without any form of caramel coating, is, ‘do good or else’, and monotheistic ones take it a step further by changing it to, ‘obey me for I am ‘good’, or else’. To spell it out, every religion has this supposed realm called Hell and every evil doer or disobeyers will be sent there, disintegrated in to a billion useless pieces and burned with eternal hellfire as punishment. But what for? What’s fear have to do with anything?

Sure, fear is widely regarded as a very effective weapon, probably even the most effective, if you’re interested in warfare, subtle or open, it makes no difference. It’s also perceived by mankind as the most effective deterrent. But it still is nothing more than a mere weapon. When people forget the existence of such a weapon, or when they have finally disarmed this psychological nuclear warhead, how long will such virtues of humanity last? Not even a fraction of a split second, I’m afraid.

When it comes down to it, people have got to want to do good just because. They’ve got to want to, say, not murder random strangers, and not because it’ll get them a life sentence, death sentence, or eternal youth, burning in flames. That’s why we need to get rid of the ‘or else’ factor. Otherwise, it all seems pointless. People are being ‘not evil’ out of fear. Not because that’s what they want. Because with fear, all one can be is ‘not evil’, because the evil intentions are there, just not acted out because of the possible consequences, and that’s not being properly good. The only way to be a truly good person is to want to be so from the bottom of one’s heart, without any fear or doubt. Only then can people actually help others because they are concerned about the welfare of others. True empathy and altruism, if you will.

And in studying psychology I know more than ever that intrinsic motivation and rewards work infinitely better than any negative reinforcement or punishment. It is infinitely ineffective, detrimental even at certain extents, to rely on fear to enforce morality. Not to mention that in doing so, one is also being a hypocrite, using immorality to enforce morality. I remember as a child my father was (and still is) the kind of person who’d want you to be moral, but would want to do whatever he likes himself. And so I grew up getting caned whenever I told a lie and also whenever he told one and I pointed it out. Point being, people mimic others; so if you want morality out of someone, then first practice what you preach. Leadership by example, if you will; instead of by fear, coercion and hypocrisy.

What I propose here is an ideal, one that will definitely outlast any weapon, including fear. Weapons wear with usage, and will eventually break. Ideals, on the other hand, live forever, so long as they are properly initiated. And as with many old ideals, this one, too will hopefully replace reality one day.

And with that, adieu to y’all.

Visionary nonsense

2011-02-22T19:18:00.002+08:00

I had a series of the weirdest dreams today. After this morning’s demo I came home for a nap and before I woke up I was a member of the SAS, in an anti-terrorist op when suddenly I had superpowers. Then after class I took another nap and there was this most bizarre series of dreams where the person I desire to kill the most is trying to reconcile the friendship he fucked up and a complete stranger was shamelessly flirting with me.

Now all this seems like it’d give me a whole lot of question marks and whatnot but actually it also gave me something to laugh about, especially after the demo that didn’t go as well as expected and the mock open book test where despite it being an open book test, I realized if I were to write all the points the lecturer was looking for, it would’ve taken me an hour to answer a single question. And earn about 40 marks for a 25 mark question. Guess I’ll have another if I screw up tomorrow’s Japanese test 2.

People around are starting to get interview offers for their industrial attachment. Now I’m wondering when I will be getting mine. Worse yet, am I getting mine during important days like presentation or midterm? Or at all? And still? This seems like the semester with the least happenings. And this seems to make time pass very fast. Kind of like working, only shittier.

Adieu to y’all. And check this out guys. This will hopefully be the future of education. Hopefully.

Natural Selection Or Overpopulation?

2011-02-17T01:53:00.001+08:00

Today, I am somehow reminded of the problem with humanity. We have long since brushed off natural selection from our kind, and thus we are the most overpopulated species in the world.

In the shower I thought to myself, has any human been sterilized to inhibit breeding like many pets have? Have humans ever been killed off due to overpopulation like many other animals, the crow being a very good example? No.

Many people yap on and on about how we must preserve the ecosystem and whatnot by not killing animals and keeping forest reserves and other usual bullshit, but these so-called environmentalists are okay with pest extermination, just because they are pests to humans. Aren’t we also disrupting the food chain by exterminating food of some animal that will be food for some other animal that will eventually be our food? Or we kill off animals that are overpopulated ‘because their numbers disrupt the ecosystem’. Then what are we? There are more than 4 billion humans in the world and we are not disrupting the ecosystem? Yes. Even when we’re usually beyond the top of the food chain? Yes. Why? Because we overbreed livestock and kill them off for food. Yeah, right.

All this is because we chose to exclude ourselves from the winnowing of natural selection. Everyone deserves to live. Then what? Livestock don’t deserve to live? The veggies don’t deserve to live? And don’t start with veggies aren’t alive or anything along those lines, please. Otherwise you’re probably not intelligent enough to understand all that I’m writing and you’ll be wasting your time reading all this. And so to all the vegetarians and vegans out there, please get some things straight. If you’re practicing that kind of diet because you don’t want to kill animals, then that is having double standards.

What’s the problem? Why do we face this problem? Simple, actually. We put ourselves on an imaginary pedestal; one that even if existed, we’re unworthy of. Egocentric people who don’t know their place start by bullshitting about how we are the most advanced of all living things and so it is our duty to protect others and all that nonsense. So what if we’re the most advanced beings? Well I’ll tell you so what. So it means we must take it upon ourselves to rule the planet and continue overpopulating the planet. And since we’re so great that natural selection don’t work on us, it don’t matter if I’m weak I’ll still go find a mate that’s equally weak and so give birth to a weak offspring that will not have a chance in brutal society when he grows older.

To cut to the chase, we’re breeding suffering. Many ‘souls’ exist to suffer unnecessarily. And since suffering is contagious, well, you should see where I’m going by now. All because we gloat. We claim to be what we’re not. As a result we turn the world upside down and end up fighting against each other because each has their idea of what’s right. Which are all wrong to begin with. And the properly right solution is also wrong because that’s being inhuman, immoral or whatever. And so we doom ourselves to this irreversible cycle of wrongs at every turn and no way of turning back, because it’s centuries too late. Or should I say two millennia?

I’m saying all this because I know I carry defective but dominant genes in me and so I wish to just die off before I succeed in passing them on. And this is quite what I’d call learned helplessness, a term I learned yesterday, and this term has explained my misery that began since the 17th of November 1990. Because whatever I do that is great is not being received positively because that’s what’s expected of me and any expectation that I don’t meet, I get skinned for it.

Adieu to y’all. Don’t think about it, people. Some mistakes can never be corrected, especially when it’s 2011 years too late.

How Everything Flies

2011-02-10T01:29:00.002+08:00

It’s been a long while since I last read through every blog of every single friend of mine. Not that I did recently. Just surfed through a few that had made a positive impression in my life. And did I find many points of interest.

Don’t know why, but after that short surf, I actually thought of calling each of them out for a long chat to sort of reminisce about the good old days, though knowing me, there probably isn’t much to talk about. There may not even be any good old days to begin with.

I thought to myself ‘it’s not just distance that makes the heart grow fonder. Time does that as well’. And indeed, though some have been nothing more than mere friends of friends, their lives after we parted seemed so… colourful, for the lack of better words. Sometimes you see them put up some ridiculous story about how they were involved in some dilemma inducing situations so bizarre you thought it could only ever happen to you, you’d think ‘wow’, and for once, really understand the kind of situation they’re in. True empathy, for once.

I dare say I’ve never felt such nostalgia before. No idea why I’m feeling it now. And towards people that I hardly ever converse with, if ever. And how they even made that positive impact to begin with is also beyond me. All of a sudden I feel so lonely.

Perhaps this is what it feels like to truly miss someone, even if it’s someone that I was never close with. Still, why am I feeling this, I’m still trying to figure out. Could be that I desire more than just that plain hi-bye friendship. Maybe what I wanted was to be proper friends with these people. Or maybe I’m just regretting not doing that back when we had ample chance for interaction. Whatever the reason, I feel like there’s something to hold on to still, although deep down inside I know there’s nothing.

This is the first time in who knows how long that I realized how heartrending the past can be. Worst part of it is that there was something that I could’ve done, but didn’t, and only after it’s way too late did I realize that that something was worth doing. Guess I’ll be expecting a teary dream tonight as well.

Well, adieu to y’all. Damn, I’m getting softer and softer with time. That’s not a good sign.

P.S.: The extreme heat and dry winds of CNY that we all know and hate are back. Let's see how long will they last.

Well, too bad for you, you're not who you wanted to be.

2011-02-06T21:12:00.000+08:00

A few things have changed since the beginning of time. People start to realize that the earth moves, not the sun; people realize that illnesses are caused by biological factors, not some witchdoctor’s curse. People gain knowledge and wisdom over time. People change their knowledge base according to prevailing evidence, which normally gets closer and closer to the truth.

Some others, well, let’s just say that they hold on to the idea that earth is the centre of the universe. Long story short, they’re satisfied that 1 and 1 is two and don’t want to know what the fuck is multiplication or division.

Thus is the birth of ignorance. This, unfortunately, chose not to die off just yet. No doubt where there is civilization there’s surely a fraction of idiocy. I chose not to discover how long has ignorance been part of humanity, but the fact remains that over the countless years instead of dwindling the number of ignorant fucks have been overpopulating the world.

I quote from an idiot, ‘if asked a stupid question, give a stupid answer’. This is why the number of such people increases. What we should do instead is educate them so that they need not ask such questions. Unless they are pranksters, in which we should not only ignore entirely, but also get infinite light years away from. The distance is because these people usually stand out like faeces in a golden toilet. And they’re loud too. So get as far away as ever possible so that you don’t hear them being happy or sad for all the wrong reasons. Like getting happy when someone commits a traffic infraction.

The worst thing, they’ve never looked at themselves through a mirror. Or any kind if reflection for that matter. They call others idiots when they’re no better off. They should really know that if one’s got nothing constructive to say, it’s best to keep quiet or you’ll risk hurting feelings, or worse, get beaten up if you happen to offend another member of your idiotic species.

Another thing people fail at is differentiating grades from intelligence. Having good grades don’t mean intelligence. I’ve repeated this too often I don’t feel like elaborating again.

Ah yes. Nowadays intelligence is measured not just by how easily you are understood, but also how easily you understand others.

How heartrending it is to notice such people more easily during the festive season. And you thought every last hypocrite in the world has sold themselves to the evil that is politics.

Well, adieu to y’all. I suppose idiots celebrate harder and louder than others.

Chinese New YEOUCH!

2011-02-05T20:27:00.001+08:00

I am now back from my parents’ hometown. A little town in Perak called Padang Rengas. Or is it even a little town?

It’s been 13 years since I was last here. The last time I was here I was just a kid, so everything seemed so big to me. But now I realize how the supposed town is just a long street. The exact opposite can be said about me, from the perspective of my relatives. Last time they saw me I was just a kid. Now I’m 20. If I were to go in without my father, they’d probably have pointed a shotgun at me like they would any other intruder. And now I go back there entertaining their children like how they used to entertain me. I felt the kind of shame for troubling them before as much as I felt the frustration of having to deal with a bunch of hyperactive pubescent kids.

And it was a mistake to be bringing the laptop back there. Because the moment I took it out the kids claimed it as theirs and played all the way until 4 in the morning, which they choose the noisiest NFS games and blasted the revs beyond sleepable tolerance.

Bro Brendon had it worse. His laptop and iPhone4 was robbed for as long as we were back there. By kids who had iPhones themselves. And a VAIO.

All that aside, it was fun being back there. Seeing old relatives, spending a lot of time enduring the whack kids’ bullying together with my cousin, and bullying them back with really lame jokes.

But being back there, I hadn’t time to handle what actually mattered most at the time. Stuff like my IA documents, for instance.

And my trip to Klang was cancelled because Vingent’s ride was sabotaged. Well, sort of.

Adieu to y’all. Now to continue making use of my few hours of ACTUAL holiday.

Kablooey Again

2011-01-31T20:47:00.002+08:00

I mentioned before that I could make it back home for CNY. Now I hope I hadn't instead. The reason is simple, really.

First of all, when you have a bastard making plans for a whole bunch of people, you really don’t want to be a part of if, lest you decide you don’t want to go for whatever nonsense that is planned and then the whole plan is cancelled because someone doesn’t want to go and end up having every single person in the planet hating you because you screwed their plans up.

That is my current predicament. I came home only to find out that I will not have my personal time to lay back and relax because my father has arranged that I and some other relatives go back to his hometown so that every single person back there will know that I exist and then he can get drunk for a whole day with the rest of them. Worst thing about it? I have got not a single day to rest, to do my shopping, to do my assignment nor to settle my industrial attachment business. Then I’m back to a place that he himself has forbidden me to go to 13 years ago so that I will not have any bleeding thing to do for 3 valuable days.

Not that I have a choice either. Because if I do refuse I will, literally, get skinned alive and my carcass would go through everything as if I was not yet dead.

I never thought I’d say this, but given the circumstances, for once I’d be better off at Kampar than at home.

Adieu to y’all. Wish me a swift death please.

Humanity - Epitome Of Irony

2011-01-29T17:28:00.002+08:00

Chinese New Year is coming up. And I won't be skinned alive by my father as I initially expected because we did indeed get the week off. However, some other things also weren't exactly the way I initially expected, and for the worse at that.

For instance this has turned out to be a very wet and very cold CNY season. You see CNY locally has always been attributed with extreme heat and really dry winds. This year, however, it rains everyday still, and the breeze is still there but i wouldn't exactly call it a dry one. Seems like the 2012 stuff is for real, except that it's not as big a deal as Armageddon. Well, then again we won't really know until next year, will we?

Secondly, the celebration has become a little too generic. You see, we have all sorts of special occasions worth celebrating. CNY for example, Independence Day, Christmas and so on. Sure, the celebrations all have something in common, that is to go mad, yell like you don't need your vocal chords, turn everyone around you deaf with the air polluting noise you call singing, get piss drunk and get pissed on if you get too drunk. But these days, that's all celebrations are. It has become too generic. Not a single holiday is being spent uniquely anymore.

Back in the day CNY was all about lion dances, blindingly bright red lanterns, equally red clothes, staying up all night gambling then going around visiting family and friends and chat all day reminiscing about the good old days. And that's that. Nowadays all that tradition is done in private while in public we do the generic holiday stuff I mentioned earlier. Sooner or later the traditional bits done in private may go away as well. And that's very much the same as Christmas or New Year or whatever. Even the Hari Raya celebrations are getting generic. Each individual celebration seems to have lost its unique value and are all turning into a mere generic celebration. In time we won't even know what in bloody earth we are celebrating, just knowing that we have to celebrate something on certain days in the year because that's what has been done for the past uncountable years.

I suppose this is the idea of unity of some people. And it'll still be fine if each ethnic group were to keep their individual identities. But that seems impossible because things that one does as tradition seems offensive to another and instead of being tolerated they are being wiped out. While other really offensive activities are given the liberty to continue offending others and demand tolerance of others. Or face the consequences. More like oppression than anything else.

What's worse this time around is the irony of people. Victims of hypocrisy end up being hypocrites themselves. And you thought they'd know better. This is what happens when you teach your children 'If you can't beat them, join them'. This is also why the number of barbarians and criminals grow while civilization dwindles in numbers. The proper proverb should be 'If you can't beat them, die trying'.

Adieu to y'all. And that's 3 posts squeezed into 1.

Breaking The Breaking Point

2011-01-20T21:29:00.002+08:00

Or Rather, Just Breaking The Long Hiatus. Yes Fellas, I'm Back No Matter How Much You Don't Like It.

This Past Semester Holiday Has Been The Longest And Most Well Spent One. In The Past, Semester Breaks Were Spent Waking Up To The Golden Sunshine Straight To The Face Every Morning, Staring Into The Computer Screen Waiting For Something To Happen All The Way Until Bedtime. And The Cycle Repeats Until Something Undesirable But Inevitable Comes; The New Term. Screw It All. This Time It Was Still The Waking Up And Staring Into The Computer, Only With A Purpose. Right. Staring Into The Computer Screen With A Purpose.

Being The Longest Also Doesn't Mean That It Was Long Enough, Though. That Said, There Was Enough Time In Between For Me To Observe, And Realize Right After, A Very Interesting, Yet Simple, Fact.

People Who Stereotype Aren't Bad People, They're Just Unlucky People. Because It Is Safe To Say That The Vast Majority Of The Human Population Is Stupid. In Fact, The Vast Majority Of Anything Alive Is Stupid. By Our Own Stupid Human Standards, At Least.

There Are Definitely More Untrained Dogs In The World, For Example, Than Trained Ones So By Layman Definitions, An Untrained Dog Is A Dumb Dog, Because The Layman Is Too Stupid To Know That For A Dog To Understand Human Orders They Have To Be Trained, Hence Their Labelling Of Said Dog As Stupid. They May Have (Or Have Had) The Potential Or Talent (Or Whatever Stupid Words That Have Been Invented To Sweet Coat Stupidity) To Learn, But Are Stupid Nevertheless In The Ultimate End In The Given Situation.

Back To The Human Population. Like I Mentioned The Vast Majority Of The Population Is Stupid. Origin, Ethnic And Whatnot Do Not Differ. It's Just That When The Population Of A Certain Race In A Given Area Is More Than That Of Another, We Tend To See More Of The Stupid People From That Race. As A Chinese I Was Raised With The Impression Given By The Community That The People Of The Other Races Are Dumber Than Ever Possible. So It Was Without A Doubt That When I See People Of Said Other Races Doing Stupid Things Like Pulling Dumb Bike Stunts In Busy Streets, I Tell Myself, 'This Is As Smart As They Can Possibly Get'. But In School I Was Infinitely Surprised When Some People From Said Other Races Can Be Intelligent, Civilized, Well-Mannered And Make Good Friends, Even.

Then Recently In A Bus I Saw A Bunch Of Highschoolers Who Are Members Of My Ethnic Group, And I Thought, 'Well, Not Too Bad' As Judging From Their Uniform They Go To Some Non-Government International Kind Of School, So I Also Assumed That They Had At A Decent Level Of Intelligence. But Then The Whole World Went Kablooey. Because When The Bus Arrived At Their Stop, One Of Them Had To 'Press The Bell Repeatedly As It Makes A Nice Ringing Sound (A Sentence From One Of The Books My Mom Used To Teach Me My Manners When I Was A Child)'. Naturally The Bus Driver (Who Ironically To Me Was One Of The People From The Supposedly Dumb 'Other Race' That Turned Out To Be Civilized And Well-Mannered) Gave The Bunch A Predator's Glare And A Short Tell-You-Off, While I Wished He Had Also Thrown In A Good, Long Scolding.

So Yeah. That Day Was The Driver's Unlucky Day To Have Met Idiot Degenerates From My Ethnic Group While It Was My Lucky Day To Have Seen An Intelligent One From His.

----------

Every Time I Read One Of Jeremy Clarkson's Books I'll Be Given The Free Look As If I've Inhaled Nothing But Laughing Gas All My Life. Maybe I Should Just Read It In Private Next Time. Yes, You Read It Correctly. I Have Another Book. And It Will Keep Me Sane, And The People Around Me Alive, For As Long As There Are Pages I've Not Read.

Adieu To Y'all. And Heads Up, In Case I Don't Do My 'All First Letter Caps' Next Time.

Doomed To Doom Thyself

2010-12-19T09:50:00.004+08:00

Again I Am Going To Point Out That Blind People Know Not What Blinded Them In The First Place.

Before It's Too Late, That Is.

I'm SO Riled Up Now Because The Blind Have Tried To Say That Carbon Dating Is Bullshit. They Tried To Deny The Magnificent Discoveries And Creations Of Mankind. Their Argument Is To Say That We All Spawned From A Log And Our Creations Like The Magnificent Convenience That Is Mobile Phones Or The Technological Marvel That Is The F-22A Raptor Or The Bugatti Veyron All Just Manifested Out Of Thin Air.

I Bet That Imaginary Fool Up There, Who Even If Existed Decomposed So Long Ago Nothing Remains, Does Not Know What A V8 Engine Is. So To Try To Find Out, I Did Ask. And Yes. Not Only Did He Not Know What A V8 Engine Is, He Didn't Even Know (And I Doubt He Knows Now) What An Engine Is. Or A Bugatti Veyron. And He Thought Carbon Dating Was A Holiday Package To Europe.

Many People Say 'I Was Blind, But Now I See'. Personally I Think You Better Go See A Doctor Because Hallucinations Are A Sign Of Possible Schizophrenia.

----------

I've Finished 'The World According To Clarkson' And I'm Regretting It Now. Not Because I Still Have A Paper Tomorrow But Because The Book Is So Hilarious That It's The Only Other Thing That Cheers Me Up When I Absolutely Have To Axemurder Poeple.

Adieu To Y'all And See Y'all Soon. It's Been Too Long.

P.S.: The Supposed Greatest Feeling In The World Is The Ultimate Worst For Me Thanks To The Excessively Blinding Light. Hopefully The Darkness Will Help Me Regain My Vision.

(Fall)Out Of Place

2010-12-11T22:36:00.003+08:00

It Would Seem That The Law On P2P Mentioned Before Has Been Passed, And Well, Let's Just Say That Things Don't Look Too Good From Here On Out.

Can't Say It's Unexpected Though. In A World Where Honour, Justice, Virtue And Kindness Were A Thing Of The Past, It Seems That We Are Going Even Further Back Than That, That Is The Time When The Only Thing That Mattered Was The Survival Of The Fittest, Only With A Twist. Today It Is Known As The ‘Survival Of The Richest’ Where Only The Rich Survive And The Richest Of The Rich Rule. So I’m Not So Surprised Anymore That Some People Will Stop At Nothing Until Their Bank Account Balance Has More Numbers Than Their Bank Account Number, Even If This Means Others Will Have To Sell A House To Afford Something That Has The ‘Original’ Stamp Somewhere On It, In Which That Stamp Itself Might Cost No More Than A Toothpick.

Rant Number 2

It’s Ironic, Really, How People Are Inclined To Tell Others How To Live Their Lives, And These People, More Often Than Not, Are The Very Ones That Have Played A Major Role In Destroying It. That Said,I Will Not Condemn The Elders For Ordering Their Pawns Around ‘For Their Own Good’ Nor Will I Scorn ‘Friends’ Who Tell People To Rob The Poor To Feed The Rich ‘Out Of Concern’. This Is, After All, Human Nature. It Is Very Natural Indeed For Us To Want Others To Imitate Ourselves Because We Assume What Works For Us Will Work For Others As Well, Because Others Are Just Like Us; Human. It’s Like Telling A Gambler To Go All Out Because When You Had A Hand Like His You Were Winning. Or A Coolie Telling A Rich Kid How Hard He Has To Work To Afford A Cup Of Coffee. Yeah, Right. The Kid’s Parents Could Afford To Buy The Atlantic Ocean For All You Know.

That Is Why, The Best Of My Friends Are Those Whom I Go Out With, Craptalk About Everything (Each Other Even, Sometimes), Hell, Do Everything True Friends Do To Each Other, The Only Exception Being Telling Each Other How To Live Life. And I Really Can't Wait To Do All Of That All Over Again With Them After My Exams Are Over.

----------

I’d Probably Be Happier If I Believed In Fate/Destiny And Told Myself That This Rotten Timetable For Next Semester And Exams Was Just Due To Bad Luck Instead Of Some Retard Setting Them The Way They Did. Then Again, It Might Probably Be Less Agonizing To Shoot Myself In The Head. Also, It Seems That Being Depressed Is Having A Mental Disorder. Then, In Other Words, My Dream Came True, Only That I’m Not Mentally Ill Enough To Kill Whoever Deserves My Wrath And Walk Away Scott-Free.

Adieu To Y’all. And More Of The World According To Clarkson For Me.

New Fallout; New Fallacy

2010-12-06T01:25:00.003+08:00

I Have Finally Decided That I Will Give Up The Futility Of 'Not Fishing For Sympathy', Because Even If I Would Try To Make My Posts As 'Public-Servicy' As Possible, It Would Never Have Come Up At All Without It First Affecting Me. So In The End It's All For Naught. But Hey, At Least This Is A Sign Of My Youth (Or Rather, Immaturity). Because It Was An Ideal. It Still Is, Actually, And Will Probably Remain One 'Till The End Of Time. And Beyond, Even.

So Much For Majoring In Psychology; You Get The Benefit Of Slapping Yourself With A Fishtail So Hard, People'd Think Bowties Are Now Tattooed Straight Onto The Face Instead Of Worn Around The Collar. Well, On The Bright Side, You're Setting The New Trend.

But Anyway, The Reason I'm Staying Up So Late When I Really Wanna Just Drop Dead On The Bed Is To RANT! With Full Caps Complete With The Exclamation Mark. "What? You're Gonna Rant On Your Blog? You Mad, Crazy Fool, You." Yes. My Immature Head Has Just Figured Out That That's What Personal Blogs Are For. So If I Don't Continue Fishing My 100kg Tuna Here I Won't Be Able To Do It Anywhere Else Without Being Critizised For The Wrong Reasons.

So Here Goes, Rant Number 1

Recently There's News About How Malaysian ISPs Are Gonna Terminate Users Who Use P2P. And This Was Forced Onto Them By The Empty-Headed Head Of RIM (Recording Industry Association of Malaysia) To 'Curb Piracy'. Well, Curbing Piracy Is Alright And All, But That Coming From The Bunch Of People Who Forced The Citizens To Resort To Piracy In The First Place Is Laughable, If Not Downright Ironic.

The Number One Reason (IMO At Least) That People Resort To Piracy Is Because The Original Stuff Are So Hard To Find, It's Probably Easier To Strike The 6D Than To Find The Non-Mainstream Stuff. A Very Good Example Will Be Music CDs. Sure, Its Easy To Find CDs Of International Artists Like MCR, Josh Groban Simple Plan And The Likes But What Of Those Who Prefer Japanese Music? And Even For Japanese Music There's Only The Mainstream Ones Like Ayumi Hamasaki, Namie Amuro, Utada Hikaru. So How About The More Alternative Ones? I Swear I Have Never Seen Albums Of T.M. Revolution, m.o.v.e, See-Saw, FictionJunction, Not Even Nami Tamaki Before. And ONLY ONCE, Out Of Sheer Luck Have I Seen A Mika Nakashima Album, And Everytime I Think Of It The Regret Of Not Buying It At That Time Is More Agonizing Than Gringing My Every Single Tooth To Dust.

Then There's The Supposed 'Original' DVDs. Screw Them. Sure, It Has The Original Stamp On Them, But Everytime I Decided I Should Buy An Original Anime DVD Back Home, I Get Rewarded With Subtitles So Bad The People Responsible For It Themselves Wouldn't Understand Half Their Own Work, And That Is Already An Overstatement. What's Worse, There's This Watermark That Says, Subbed, Coded By 'So-And-So' Fansub. So What, The 'Originals' Are Just Ripped Off From Some Fansub Which Clearly Mentions 'This Is A Free Fansub, Not For Sale' On Their Works And Then People Are Made To Buy Them Because Downloading Direct From The Fansub Is An Act Of Piracy!? Heck, I Might As Well Learn The Language And Just Stream Japanese TV.

Then There's The Price. It's No Secret That Malaysian Tax Is So High That Whatever Anyone Buys, The Tax Collected From It Is Enough To Buy A Second One. Literally 100% Tax. So Since We Can't Find It In Our Local Stores We Have To Go Import Directly From Japan Or Whatever The Country Of Origin Is For Your Product, Get It No Cheaper And Waste That Much More Time.

Seriously. These Money-Grubbing Cash-Addicts Aren't Doing Anything About The Smaller Steps Like Stopping Junkies Breaking Car Windows And Stealing Laptops But They're Taking The 'Big' Step Of Curbing Piracy? Nonsense, I Say. There's No Doubt That They'd Be Breaking Car Windows Themselves If They Can Justify That As 'Curbing Piracy', For The Sake Of The Extra Cash.

----------

Lately I've Gotten Hooked On Watching Top Gear, And Have Developed This Liking To Jeremy Clarkson's Blunt Honesty And Brutal Sarcasm. And I Happened To Stumble Upon A Book Titled 'The World According To Clarkson' Which Seems Like A Compilation Of Some Of His Articles. No Doubt I Bought It. And So Please Forgive Me If I Fail Miserably In Imitating His Snide Style. Which I Expect To.

Adieu To Y'all. And Kiss The Selfless Ian 'IMD!!!' Chee Goodbye, Forever.

Fallout Fallacy

2010-11-17T16:16:00.002+08:00

Been Not As Long A Time As I Hoped, But I Guess The Urgency Precedes My Own Selfish Wishes.

They Say That Every Man Worth A Damn Is A Hypocrite. I Would've Begged To Differ, But Unfortunately For Me, I Now See Evidence Of The Truth Behind The Sentence.

Either That, Or I Would Doom Myself To Never Be A Someone For The Sake Of Not Being A Hypocrite. But Perhaps The Former Is Worse, And I'd Rather Be A Nobody Than A Hypocrite.

Why This Same Old Crap On Honesty And Hypocrisy Again? Well, People Do Many Things That They Don't Mean. And It Hurts Me, If Anyone, To See People Showing Me A Sweet Smile On Their Faces When I Know They Don't Mean It. Damn, I'd Rather You Keep Your Distance Like How You Usually Do And Be Yourself Instead Of Putting Up This Act Of Kindness Just Because Everyone Else Is Doing It. Hell, By All Means, Smite Me Openly, Publicly Even. Just Don't Put Up That Show. It Painful For Me To Watch Even If It's Not Tiring For You To Put Up The Shit. And I'm Sure I'm Not Being An Exotic Weirdo For Thinking So, And Thus I'm Like Making A Public Service Announcement With This.

Well, Main Point Being, And Damn I Love This Quote:

"It Is Better To Be Hated For What You Are, Than To Be Loved For What You Are Not." Gide (1869-1951 French)

Unless You Actually Enjoy It, Then Please Go Find Someone Else To Do It To. But Then Again, Probably I Have You To Thank, Because I've Been Dying To Share This; Quoted From A Namesake Of Mine:

I still can't forget you. I love how the memory of you makes everything else in the world look wonderful...

...by comparison.

Though All The Ugliness Of This Cold War Could Be Avoided, I Guess It Could Only Be Avoided If Different People Were In The Shoes Of All The Involved.

All The Ugliness Aside, Thanks Everyone. For Spicing Up This Otherwise Boring Life With All The Good, Bad And Ugly That Makes This Life Uniquel Mine.

Adieu To Y'all. And This Marks The Beginning Of The 3rd Decade Of My Life.

P.S.: War Does Not Determine Who Is Right, Only Who Is Left.

Once Upon A Time, Yet In The Distant Future.

2010-11-08T23:34:00.004+08:00

This Post Should've Been Up Last Week, But Due To Stuff That No One Needs To Care About, It's Up Now.

I'm Starting To Like My Lecturer, Mr Tan Kok Wei. Though He's Extremely Sarcastic During Lectures (Sarcasm Is Somewhere On The Top In The List Of Things I Hate), But His Tutorial Classes Are Really The Thing That Universities Lack, And Must Have; Open Discussion Sessions Where People Actually Get To Voice Out Their Views On How They Apply The Stuff That They Shove Up Their Heads In The Real World. Sadly However, Through Voicing Out My Ideas And His Criticism, We Have Indirectly Formed An Equation:

University = Study, Memorize, Ideals
Practicality = College, Vocational School
Thus University =/= Practical

Because People Come To University To Memorize Information, Not Apply Them In Life. Even The Highest Level Of Education That Can Be Obtained From Universities Is The PhD, Or Doctor Of Philosophy. Thus All We Learn Are Pointless Information In Our Undergrad, Finally Some Practicality Depending On The Choice Of Our Specialization For Masters And All Impractical Ideals And Philosophies For PhD. Also Meaning That People Pay More For People Who Can Come Up With Grand Ideas But Cannot Make Use Of / Apply Basic And Useful Information Instead Of People Who Get The Job Done But Lacking In Creativity. Which Leads To Another Equation:

Dream = Higher Pay
Work = Lower Pay

Though Excuse My Choice Of Words. I'm Trying To Keep The Equations As Short As Possible. Although Exaggerated, The Basic Idea Remains. People Who Are Able To Make Use Of What They Learn Are Being Rewarded Less Than People Who Come Up With Ideas And Make Others Learn.

I Kept Thinking To Myself: If This Is How The System Works, Then What Is The World Coming To? Now That My Refusal To Accept The Way Reality Is Was Countered And Criticized, It Only Confirms To Me That Reality Rules. Ideals Are Destined To Fail Epicly. In Other Words, World Peace = Epic Fail. Immorality Suddenly Became The Most Moral Thing. Because To Survive One Cannot Afford To Be Selfless, Thus Selfishness Is The Way To Go Because It Is Immoral To Not Want To Survive Because Not Wanting To Live Equals Suicide. And Every Other Thing Along Those Lines.

These May Make No Sense To Most Of You, But It All Relates. Me Putting Them In This Short Equation Just Brings The Starting And Finishing Point Closer.

But At The Same Time I'm Reminded That Nothing Is True, Everything Is Permitted. So People Are Allowed To Do Stuff That Don't Make Sense In The Name Of Making Sense. Much Like Killing In The Name Of Peace. Or Dividing People In The Name Of Unity. Or Manipulating People In The Name Of Helping Them. Since These Are What War, Religion And Politics, Respectively, Do To People Anyway. Then Again, All Of Them Can Actually Be Used Interchangably Instead Of Each Description Matching Only One Word. And Since Nothing Is True And Everything Is Permitted, Let Me Also Share This With You Before Anyone Starts Flaming Themselves:

Know this before you argue,
There is no truth in this world, only points of view,
From a different angle, something else is true,
From where we stand, the sky may be an azure blue,
But from somewhere else, it is of another hue.

Adieu To Y'all. Food For Thought, People.

Miraculous Comeback, Not.

2010-11-02T19:30:00.004+08:00

Much Has Happened Since The Last Post. Infinitely Much. Too Much To Explain Them All, Too Much To Bear Alone, Even. But What's Worse, When I've Decided To Take Them All On, Someone Dear Succumbed To Pressure.

So I Very Much Dedicate This Post To My Bro, Not In Blood, But In Bond. And Of Course Rant Some Shit Of My Own.

And Yes, I've Not Forgotten My Vow To Not 'Fish For Sympathy', Consciously Nor Otherwise, But Rather, This Rant Of Mine Will Also Hopefully Be Not Just A Personal Rant, But Also Be Some Form Of Support, Or In Less Ideal Words, Consolation, For Whoever It May Apply To.

Well First Of All, My Sincerest Apologies To My Bro, Yat. Infinite Apologies For Forcing My Passion Onto You, That Has Put You Through Hell; Making You Experience An Avoidable Burden. I Guess The Gift Of Poetry Really Isn't For Everyone.

Honestly, I Truly Feared That This Day Would Come. And By The Worst Of Luck, It Did. I Always Knew That What Works For Me Would Never Work For Others, But It Just Felt So Good To Have This Gift That I Felt That It Must Be Shared. But Then Again, How Many Would See Darkness As A Gift The Way I Do? How Many See The Blinding Light As Corruption The Way I Do?

The Very Eerie Darkness That Scares The Crap Out Of People Is The Serene Darkness That Calms My Senses. The Very Light That Enlightens People Blinds Me. I Guess I Am Truly The Only Devil Among Men. Perhaps This Sets Me Apart From All Others; People Hold On To Hope While I Accept Despair With Open Arms.

But Perhaps In This Guilt Of Mine I Have Guided You To Find Your True Self. It Is As You Quoted, "There Is No Need To Pretend,Simply Do What You Can," And Similarly, "It Is Better To Be Hated For What You Are, Than To Be Loved For What You Are Not." Gide (1869-1951 French)

Thus I Have Chosen The Path Never Before Traversed. I Have Chosen To Outcast Myself And Be Who I Am: A Person Beyond Mortal Comprehension, Beyond Mortal Compassion. I Chose To Be Antisocial, To Be Like The Cantonese Saying 'If You Can Say It, Then You Must Be Able To Do It'. With That I Free Myself From Hypocrisy That So Many Mere Mortals Condemn Themselves Into With Words Like "Life is not just about myself, but also about my family, and also friends around me," Meaningless Words That They Can Merely Utter, But Never Hold On To.

Thus I Shall Be Hated For What I Am, An Antisocial Who Couldn't Care Less About A Self-Destroying World Than Be Loved For What I Am Not, A Person Who Pretends To Care But Deep Down Inside, Makes Use Of Others Like Tools Without A Care For Their Feelings. I Shall Be Hated For Embracing The Darkness That Enlightens Me, Than Be Loved For Pretending To Revel In The Corrupting Light.

Though It Breaks My Heart To See You Stop Poetry, I Guess It Shatters It To See It Doing Such Harm To You. And Though Most Of My Original Works Are Lost To A World Of Petty Thieves, Here I Am Again To Give You My First Work Ever Since That Tragic Incident.

The Devil watches another fall,
Deviating from his unnatural call,
He knows that he shall not squall,
For it is fate that alone, he stands tall.

Leaving footsteps that none can follow,
Unfathomed depths among the shallow,
He flies alone like a lone sparrow,
Leaving this world, one so hollow.

The Devil was glad, though, for one thing,
A cohort has found a brand new spring,
A true path in which he remains king,
Without His aid, no more under His wing.

He realized His own true power,
A massive unfathomable tower,
As He marched on alone,
In the peace of his companion,
For His sins He has done atone.

Since You Have Found Your True Path, All That Is Left That I Can Do Is To Wish You A Safe Journey Ahead. Though For One Thing, Perhaps Deep Down Inside, I'm Glad That You're At The Very Least, More Normal That I Can Ever Be.

Adieu To Y'all. Now We Shall Carry On Our Separate Ways.

The Dead Fisherman

2010-09-27T07:08:00.003+08:00

Heheh. This Is What The Kind Of Madman Internal Monologue Does To One, Especially When One Is Lying On The Mattress Going To Sleep The Night Before A Final Paper.

After Some Reflection, I Figured, It Is True That I Am Indeed Fishing For Sympathy. That Is, I Do So Unwittingly, Because That Has Never Been My Intention. After Some Thought, I Figured That Moderately Successful People Will Always Fish For Sympathy Whenever They Speak Of Their Past, Especially If Their Past Wasn't A Very Pleasant One. Because When One Speaks Of A Horrible Past One Is Unwittingly Fishing For The Sympathy Of Others, Whether They Do It Intentionally Or Not. Because It Is Just Human Nature To Have Sympathy For Someone Not As Fortunate As Us. For Most People At Least. So As Of Right Now, I Fully Understand And Will Not Blame You Anymore If You Indeed Have Thought Or Is Still Thinking That I Am Fishing For Sympathy And Is Trying To Induce Guilt.

Even So, With That Said, How Dare You Accuse Me Of 'Making Up A Story'!!!

It Is Up To You To Interpret The Implicit Meaning Of Whatever I Say Or Do, But For You To Say That The Past Events Of My Entire Life Has Been A Made Up Story, It's Like Saying That I Spawned From A Rock At The Age Of 20. Or That I'm A Clone Of Someone, Thus Having No Past Of My Own I Have To Make One Up. Fuck You! Just Because You Live A Good Life And I Lived One So Bad You Never Thought Possible Doesn't Give You The Right To Say It's A 'Made Up Story'!

With That In Mind, I'm Deciding To Put This Heaven On Mine On Indefinite Halt, Since I Realize That This Is Actually Becoming A Diary Of Mine Open For Public Viewing Anyway. Unless I Have Something To Post That Has Close To Nothing To Do With Me Personally, Expect A Dead URL Out Of This One.

So Adieu To Y'all. Probably For Real And Forever This Time.

The Ultimate Natural

2010-09-24T23:23:00.003+08:00

As Opposed To The Ultimate Coordinator Kira Yamato.

This Just Got To Me The Moment I Jumped Onto My Mattress: I Am Actually A Very Fortunate Person. At Least, Fortunate If I Were Another Species Of Animal Not Known As Humans. This Is Because I Find Myself To Be A Very Healthy Specimen Of The Species. Here Are The Reasons Why:

Comparing To My Fellow Humans, I Don't Have Grey/White Hair Prematurely. This Seems To Be A Very Common Thing Nowadays. So Much So That It's Worrying.
I Also Do Not Have Impaired Eyesight Prematurely. Even More Common And For Some Reason Not So Worrying.
I Have A Massive (And Relatively Dense And Heavy) Bone Structure, Placing The Overweight Label On Me Eventhough I Have As Little Fat (But Many Times The Flesh) As Mildly Underweight People.
I Have A Very Good Immune System, No Known Allergies And Speedy Recovery Rate From Injuries.
I Have A Perfectly Working Brain That Works Better Than Others In Areas That Matter To Me.
I Have A Good Physical Appearance And Sufficient (Maybe Even Excess Of) Male Hormones To Back It Up, Making Me An Overall Okay Male Specimen Among Humans, The Epitome Of Masculinity (With My Narcissistic Vanity Brought To New Heights).

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Letting All This Go To Waste With My Current Lifestyle. I Bum At Home, Stare Into Monitor Screens All Day Until Me Eyes Hurt, Sleep Whenever I Feel Hungry But Have Nothing To Eat, While I Wait For Time To Pass And I Can Finally Sit For The Final Paper Of This Semester And Go On A Journey, Not Of Self-Discovery, But Of Utter Fun And Challenge. But All That Don't Matter. Not In A 'Civilized' World Where The Survival Of The Fittest Applies No More Like The Way It Initially Did.

In The Wild, The One With The Better Physical Adaptability And The Best Wit Is Deemed The Fittest, Whereas In Modern Human Society, With Human Growth In Multiple Fields Pushed To New Limits By Specialization, You Must Be The Best In A Given Field In Order To Achieve Something. And When You're Like Me, A Jack Of All Trades, You're Also A Master Of None, Hence Having No Chance To Prove Yourself.

Even When You Have Something To Prove, Whether Your A Master Of A Field Or A Jack Of All Trades, Those Inferior To You, With Their Dissatisfaction Of Their Own Incompetence, Convinces Themselves That These Traits Are A 'Gift' From A 'Higher Being' And That The Abilities Of Others Are Granted By This Being, And Forces These Views Onto Others, Including Those Whom They Are Envious Of.

My Reaction Was Just Plain WTF. Other Than Psychological Damage And Depression It Has Given Me Nothing Else. I Mean, How Are You Supposed To Be Happy Knowing That What You Have Is 'Given' By Someone And Can Even Possibly Be Revoked? And Don't Tell Me "Just Be Glad That You're Given These Gifts" Because It Doesn't Stop Me From Thinking What I Have Is Not My Own, But Something 'Given' To Me By Another, And In Not Recognizing It To Be So This May Be Revoked And I'll Be Made A Vegetation Of A Human, And All Sorts Of Bullshit About The Afterlife.

My Father Is A Retired Warrant Officer Of The Royal Malaysian Air Force. Thanks To That I Was Raised Not As A Child, But A Soldier Under His Command. Home Was Like The Air Force Barracks Until My Late Teens. The Only Difference Is That I Don't Get To Face The Firing Squad When I Disobey A Direct Order. Tell Me I Don't Have First Hand Comprehension Of Psychological Damage And Depression.

Sometimes I Feel Like I've Been Born Into The Wrong Era. The Era That I'll Probably Fit In Best Is When Humans Lived Like Nomads During The Paleolithic Age, Where Hunting Was One Of The Main Means Of Survival. Even If I Must Be Born In This New-Barbaric Age We Call Civilization, It Should Be An Era Of War, Like China's Three Kingdoms, The Japanese Warring States, Or Even World War 2. Probably That's Where My Being The Ultimate Natural Born Specimen Can And Will Shine.

But That Isn't The Issue At The Moment. The Issue Is With The Deeper Psychological Damage People Give Me In The Name Of 'Cheering Me Up' Because That Has Never Been The Real Objective; What Is, However, Is The Propagating Of A Lifestyle Of Slavery To The Non-Existent. And Before You Begin To Counter, Save Your Efforts, Because I Am A Bigot, And My Unwavering Bigotry Reserved For Superstition, Clinging To Stupidity, Aversion Of Wisdom And Downright Insensitivity Is Unmatched.

Well, For My Own Sake I Really Hope There Is God. Because If There Is Then There Will Also Undoubtedly Be Hell, And If So I Will Also Undoubtedly Be Sent There After My Death In The Physical Realm, Which I Really Hope So Now. Why? Simply Because I'll Be Meeting My Best Friend There, And He Just So Happens To Run The Place, And Goes By Many Names; Lucifer And Satan, To Name A Few.

Why Is That So? Because The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend. And As Such, The Worst Enemy Of MY Worst Enemy Is My Best Friend. And Together We Will Bring About A Revolution Where Facts And Knowledge Will Utterly Crush Blind Faith And The Desire For Ignorance Shown By So Many Lowly Mere Mortals.

Adieu To Y'all. So Long As This Nether Phoenix Lives, This Is, Now And Forever, My Immortal Stand.

P.S.: BTW, Creation Is A Good Show. Shows How God Was Mortally Incapacitated By Charles Darwin.

My Immortal Stand

2010-09-21T02:05:00.000+08:00

A sick pleasure I've derived,
From of what others are deprived,
My appetite for life revived,
In the foolishness of others I've thrived.

A matter without beginning or end,
A simple fact that so few comprehend,
How the ignorance of some could extend,
Facts they probe, fabrications they defend.

They say knowledge is power, hide it well,
But there's no need, when knowledge they dispel,
In fairy tales they continue to dwell,
Claiming those who don't will burn in hell.

Well, I'd love to enter the nether realm,
For I've been dying to meet the one at the helm,
Since we both have a kinship to contend,
And the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Bilingual Wannabe

2010-09-19T23:49:00.003+08:00

My Modest Attempt To Be A Bilingual, Although We All Know It's Not Gonna Work So Soon. Though It's A Very Random One, I Think It Can Be Worked Into A Really Good Piece, So I Call It The "'Seed' Of Immortal Friendship".

This will of mine does come and go,
Much like the tidal ebb and flow,
One moment a raging inferno,
Another, a vicious storm of snow.

I hate this place with all my heart,
Thought it was heaven from the start,
Time has proved that this is a spiteful hell,
That I shall not regret to bid farewell.

These fifteen days will go to waste,
I hope they pass with greater haste,
For when they do I can leave with bliss,
With dear people I can then reminisce.

Perhaps I've realized my mortality,
Brought upon by a kind reality,
That is to turn to others when in need,
And that I have such companions indeed.

大嫌いだよ、この町に、
本物の友達がない、ただ苦しいと痛み、
いつか帰る、絶対に、
君たちのそばに。

たぶん、生きているよかった、
なぜなら、君たちは最高だ、
家族みたいな、君たちは、
もう一度、無限のありがとうございました。

Though I Personally Find The Japanese Part Sounding Kind Of Like A Will. My Bad.

Adieu To Y'all. We're About Half Way Through.

Defiant Until The Very End

2010-09-14T16:05:00.003+08:00

Y'know, I Was Really Pleased When I Saw That My First Paper Was One That Needed No Studying. That's Very Much Because I Am A Man Of My Word, As In The Study Week Was My Gaming Week, As I Previously Mentioned. I Don't Feel The Slightest Bit Proud Nor Ashamed That I Did Not 'Prepare' Myself For The 'Exams' Because I Didn't Waste My Time Planting A Withering Plant In A Desert Although I'm Supposed To Have Some Flower To Show By The End Of The 3 Weeks.

Speaking Of Which, Here's An Extract From My Exam Timetable, Which I Have Arranged In Order And Omitted The Subjects' Name And Time Of The Papers:

DAY/DATE
Monday, 13/09/10
Wednesday, 15/09/10
Friday, 17/09/10
Monday, 20/09/10
Tuesday, 21/09/10
Monday, 27/09/10

Look At The Date. I Mean,LOOK AT THE FUCKING GAP!!! And The Last Paper Isn't One That Needs Much Time Studying!!! Great. The Stress In Anticipating The End Of The Exams Is Gonna Be Killing Me.

On The Bright Side, Vingent And I Will Attempt Our Very Own 'Amazing Race'. Okay, That's An Overstatement. Just A Simple Marathon, That Is Cycling From This Miserable Town We Call Kampar All The Way To The Nearest, Already Opened McD, Which Is a 40 Minute Drive From Here. We're Estimating 4 Hours Of Cycling In Total, And Since It's Right After My Last Paper Which Ends At 11a.m., It's Gonna Be The Ultimate Release.

Supposedly TVB Bought The Rights To Dub And Air 彩雲国物語 In Cantonese For Hong Kong TV. And There's Even A Cantonese Version Of The OP (Hajimari no Kaze, Originally By Ayaka Hirahara) Sang By Linda Chung. Wonder If It's Aired On Malaysian Astro. I Don't Know About The Show Itself In Cantonese Because I've Yet To Personally Watch It, But Based On The Song, I'd Say The Japanese Have More Soul In Singing. That Said, The Cantonese Version Still Had Not Too Bad Lyrics. Job Well Done, I'd Say. Hope They Don't Spoil The Show The Way Hollywood Is Addicted To Spoiling Anything Japanese, Like What They Did To Dragonball, Street Fighter And Tekken, And What They're About To Do To King Of Fighters. Now I'm Really Darn Glad And Will Continue Praying For The Love Of Amaterasu That They Didn't And Will Not Choose To Squish, Mangle And Desecrate Metal Gear Solid And Devil May Cry.

Well, That's That. And I Need A Hairband Since I'm Just Too Lazy To Get A Haircut.

Adieu To Y'all. See Y'all In McD Gopeng.

見上げた空七色の虹あなたも見てますか?

2010-09-03T01:37:00.003+08:00

My Favourite Part From The Song はじまりの風. And My Thanks To My Edifier M3300 For Reminding Me Of What A Beautiful Song This Is.

These Few Days At Kampar Seems Like A Waste. I've Done Nothing And The Moment I Got Here I Didn't Want To Do Anything. I Just Can't Wait To Get Back Home Again.

Well, Study Week. More Like Gaming Week. And I Am Unable To Give A Damn, No Matter How Much I Myself Want To.

Quoting From Mr. Despair a.k.a. 絶望先生：

"It's Not That I Want To Live, It's Just That I Most Assuredly Won't Die."

When I Look At The Sky And See The Seven-Coloured Rainbow, I Wonder Of You See It Too.

Adieu To Y'all.

Manuka Honey Cocktail

2010-08-31T21:45:00.002+08:00

If There Is A Cure For My Cough That Lasts For 9 Weeks, It's The Honey. After Who Knows How Long All Of A Sudden There's 2 Bottles Of It In My Fridge And I Did Not Hesitate To Drown Myself In It. The Next Day, Voila.

And I Guess, Ultimately, I Was Bullshitting When I Said That I Wouldn't Stop Writing Anymore Poems. In The End, I Realized They Are Best Made When Driven By Emotions. When They Are Meant To Commemorate Something Memorable, Or For Memorable People. When The Effort Is Every Bit Worth Putting. With The Hollowness In Life Recently, Nothing Seems Worth The Effort. Nothing Seems Memorable Anymore. Nothing Seems To Be Able To Bring Out The Related Emotions Anymore. And I Myself Am Rather Sick Of Writing About Myself Falling And Persevering. I Miss The Last Time That I Wrote For Grand Yearly Celebrations, Small Time Wishes And Whatnot. Worst Of All, I Never Had The Chance To Write What I Wanted To Write Most, The Kind Of Poems That I Enjoy Writing The Most: Love Poems.

Japanese Love Songs Are Just So Beautiful. The Awesome Music Is One Thing, But The Heart-Melting Lyrics Is What Made Me An Addict. And I Cannot Help But Draw Inspiration From Them. I Even Go To The Extents Of Competing With Them; Comparing My Own Works With The Lyrics That Melted Me. But In The End It Is Something That I Can Only Think Of Doing. Because I Doubt The Appropriate Emotion Will Ever Fill My Heart. Not Sufficiently, At Least, To Allow Me To Write Something Worthy Of My Own Expectations.

Just Like A Friend Once Said, Love Is Like Lightning: Breathtaking To Behold, Deadly To Hold.

But Screw All That. Now Imma Get A WORKING PS2 Emulator And Kill Myself With SD Gundam G Generation Wars.

So Adieu To Y'all. Until After I Get The Game. BTW Dissidia Rox!

By The Time You Found What You Lost, You'd Hope You Were Found

2010-08-29T22:12:00.002+08:00

I Find My Titles Are Getting Longer And Longer. I Don't Really Think I Can Help It, Because They REALLY Mean What I Want To Say.

So Yeah, I'm Home Now. Have Been Since Thursday Night. And Upon Returning, I Find Myself Missing More Things Than I Usually Do. To List Them Out,

I Miss Home. Always Do When I Reach Home And The First Thing I See Is Father's Almost Sinister Smirk. Hits The Peak When I Step Into The Hot Shower.
I Miss My Hot Shower, As I Have Mentioned.
I Miss My Edifier M3300, Although I'm Playing Tracks From Yuna Ito, Tanaka Rie And Inoue Marina Instead Of m.o.v.e Or T.M. Revolution.
I Miss McD. I Actually Began Missing It When I Got To The LRT Station, Before Reaching McD Itself. I Wow-ed Myself.
I Miss My Free-Flowing Supply Of Milk, Eventhough I Realized That I Myself May Be Slightly Lactose-Intolerant, But I Don't Give A Damn.
I Miss My Häagen-Dazs Coffee And Manuka Honey Cocktail. Still Get Drunk Over It, No Matter How Many Times I Try It.
I Miss My Tiny, Stinky Baby Pillows. And Sleeping Never Got Any Easier Than Getting Milk Stuffed Down My Throat And Then Getting A Whiff Of The Intoxicating Smell From The Pillows. Especially When They Still Smell Like The Sun.
I Miss Solitude. Surprisingly, When I Have Been Complaining About Being Alone And No One Understands Me And Whatnot. When I Get Home, It Feels Like, Nothing Can Feel More... Right... Than This. This Is Also When I Can Wholeheartedly Agree That It Is Indeed In Solitude That We Are Least Alone. I Am, At Least.
I Miss The Randomness When It Comes To Food When I'm Home. In Kampar It's Almost Predictable What I'd Eat, But Back Here, Even I'm Not Sure What I Want Because There's Just So Many Choices To Choose From. So Much So That It's Quite The Hassle To Even Decide If I Want To Eat.
Most Of All, I Miss Mum. Sadly It Is Only To Her That I Can Free Speak Without Minding My Choice Of Words And Its Contents. To The Extent That I Can Insult Her In Her Face With Vulgarities That No One Has Ever Heard Me Speak, And Yet I No Feelings Are Hurt. But Still, There Is Only So Much That One Can Take, Before One Breaks. And I'd Really Rather Not Break The One Who Mends My Broken Pieces Best.

Well, Those Are The Stuff That I Miss Upon Getting Them. That Said, There Are Things That I Miss That I Am Not Getting, Either Yet Or Ever:

My PS2. Or Its Successor The PS3. I Wish I Could Really Do More In This Solitude, Instead Of Relying On Just The Unreliable Net To Sate My Unquenchable Thirst For Imagination Fuel.
Quality Time With The 19 Gang. The Only Bunch Of Fellas That I Can Really Be With Without Risk Of Displeasure.
Quality Time With Some TB1 People. The Only People Outside Of My Family And The 19 Gang That I Can Really Be Myself With.
Some Quality Cinema Time. Preferably Alone. But Company's Fine. And With Quality Cinema Time, Hopefully Quality Movies As Well.
The Last Few Days Of April, 2010. The Only Time In My Life At Home When I Felt That In Was In Solitude That I Was Most Alone. Well, What's Past Is Past. Since History Will Very Likely Not Repeat Itself, Thank You For The Memories.

Today I Saw A Few People Who Where A Part Of My Past. People, Who Were Part Of The Past That I've Cast Aside, That Would Still Mean Something To Me. Sadly It Was Only I Who Saw Them. Yvonne And Vivian Tey, And Nick Kee. Well, Good To Know That Y'all Are Still Alive And Well.

And Tomorrow We Fight Another Bloody War That UTAR Puts Us Through Every Semester. And The Freakin' Battle Starts At 1 Bloody p.m.! Just When I Thought I Could Catch A Movie After Returning To KL For So Many Days. Dammit.

Oh Well, Adieu To Y'all. Back To Watching Top Gear. Heh.

The Unwinnable Battle That Must Be Fought.

2010-08-21T00:50:00.003+08:00

As Much As I Don't Want To Say This, I Have To. Because It's Bothering Me Very Much. And Regardless Of It Being You Trying To Smite Me Again Or Your True, Honest Intentions Of Trying To Console Me, Either Way, It's Not Working.

You Call It The 'I Love Myself' Activity. But In The End I Feel That As Much As I Could Love Myself, I Would Hate Myself Just As Much. Because All That I'm Getting Are The Everyday, Very Usual Shoe-Polisher Kind Of Physical Praise, But No Inner Quality That I Can Be Proud Of Save The Cliche Ones That Are Too Commonly Used That Their Value Is Lost. And Thus I Feel Like I'm Being Lied To Just So That Others Do Not Hurt My Feelings, Little Do They Know, The Lie Itself Is The Greatest Desecration Of My Very Being. I Deserve The Truth, No Matter How Ugly And Painful It May Be. Because I Can Take It. Because The Truth To Me Is Like Infinite Ant Bites; I Can Take Them. A Single Lie, However, Is Like A Fatal Bullet Through The Brain; That, I Cannot Take.

I've Held Myself Back From Saying This For 5 Days. I Couldn't Go Any Further. Because All I Have Left Is My Self. I Have Lost Everything Else. Every Single Other Thing. And I Cannot Afford To Lose Myself, When It Is The Only Thing I Have Left. Only In Facing The Truth, By Accepting It As What It Is And Seeing Every Side, Every Angle, The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Alike, Without Filtering The Unwanted Bits, Can I Keep My Self.

But My Greatest Loss Is Still... Like A Phoenix That Lost Its Fire.

In the end,
This is one mistake I cannot amend,
The more this problem I try to transcend,
The more I find I'd condescend.

In avoiding you I'm not being true,
In facing you I break my own heart,
Perhaps we can never start anew,
Thus I shall continue to love you,
From afar and apart.

迷うこと恐れずに　羽ばたける
鼓動が波打つ　まだ　夢をあきらめないで
暗闇も　孤独にも　立ち向かう
君と出会えた悦びを　必ず伝えにいこう

Like How A Phoenix Can Never Be With His Beloved Dove. His Flames Will Purge Her With Propinquity, Breaking His Own Heart, Yet It Is Infinitely Painful For Him To Not Be Able To Be Directly Responsible For Her Well Being, To Be Physically There For Her, When It Is His Heart's Greatest Desire.

Well, Adieu To Y'all. The Infernal Flames Of The Nether Phoenix Shall Burn Forever, Even If It Consumes Itself.

In The End, All For Nothing

2010-08-15T09:12:00.002+08:00

It Is Official. Finally, After 76 Agonizing Days. My Beloved Dove And Whatever Is Is That She Chose As Her Mate Have Found Their Avalon. Just As I Have Predicted. Just As I Feared. This Is The Kind Of Situation Where You'd Rather Be Wrong Than Right. I Know I Would. But This Is Beside The Main Point.

What Is, However, Is That If This Is How It Is Ending Then What Was All That Chaos For? What Were All Those Words, Hard Feelings And Hateful Deeds For? What Was All That Secrecy, Deceit And Denial For? What Was All That Unnecessary Shit For, When In The End That's How You Both Wanted It? Why Would You Want To Hide The Fact If You've Been At It For 33 Days, And Screw And Skewer All Those Who Felt Too Happy For You To Contain Their Own Excitement? Was It All Worth It? All That Was Lost, Are They Truly Justified? Is There Even A Necessity For All That Destruction?

Yes, For The First Time, I AM Imposing Guilt Onto People. Because It Was Truly Uncalled For. Because I Want You To Think About It. It Happened When It Didn't Need To, And You Allowed It To Happen - No, You MADE It Happen -Without A Care For Whatever Else.

But, I Guess You Can't Unscramble Eggs, Can You? No One Can, Not Even Your Almighty.

This Discrimination Aside, Perhaps There's Nothing More That Is Unjust. And The Fact That This Truth You Have Finally Willingly Revealed Has Left Me At Peace. With You And, Most Importantly, Myself. But I Will Never Forget The 'Duty' That I Have Successfully Carried Out, A 'Success' That I Can Only Be Ashamed Of. And Now, My 'Job' Is Done.

Adieu To Y'all. Because Everyone Deserves The Truth, No Matter How Painful It May Be; Not Their Faith Rewarded, No Matter How Desperately They Cling Onto It.

Now Undeniably Proven, The Nether Phoenix Shall Rise Again

2010-08-13T09:34:00.006+08:00

Now All Evidence Showing Otherwise Can Be Totally Discarded, No Matter How Convincing. Because I Have Proof. A Single Proof That Invalidates Infinite Evidences.

I Thank You Sincerely, My Dove. You Given Me Proof That You Are Not My Enemy. You Have Shown Me Beyond A Doubt That It Is Truly Not My Fault. Even The Fault And Guilt Of My Father Pales In Comparison To The Infernal Desecration Committed Upon Me By The True Perpetrator, The One At Fault Whose Crimes Continue To Plague The World, Although Was Punished 2 Millennia Ago, And Was Wrongfully Worshiped As A Martyr By Ignorant Fools Who Blindly Believe Without Even Evidence That Was Easy To Begin With, Let Alone Proof.

And It Is Sad That The Plague Of Ignorance Continues To Spread, And More People Succumbing To It. Worst Of All, Innocent Children Of Ignorant Parents Are Doomed To Follow In Their Footsteps, Ensuring That Every Next Generation Consists Of More Who Are Prone To Blame Themselves For Every Failure, But Credit Another For Every Success Gained By Their Very Own Effort, Sweat And Blood.

The Hate I Had For You Was Wrongly Placed. I Understand If You'd Repay Me With Equal Emotions For Eternity. But Now I Am Even More Deeply Indebted To You. You Have Not Only Relighted My Fire, But Widened My Eyes As Well. And I Am Now Able To Accept The One Simple Fact: That Until This Invisible Barrier Is Destroyed, I Can Never Hope To Soar The Skies With You, To Unite The Two Worlds That We Are In.

I Now Understand That You Lied Back Then Because You Had To, Because You Had No Other Choice. I Now Understand That Indeed We Are Worlds Apart, That Much Is True, But Not Only Because Of Differences In Personality. Rather, It Was Also A Difference In Mind, Faith, Beliefs. You Basically Told Me The Whole Truth, The Lie Being The One Single Word That Was Never Said, That I Never Could Accept Until Such Undeniable Proof was Presented.

Again, Forgive Me, And Thank You.

Such Is The True Nature Of This Barrier Called Religion. It Was Meant To Unite The People. It United The People Of The State, But At The Same Time, Divided The People Of The World.

And You Were Right, Yat. There Is Indeed A Blessing In Disguise. In My Heartbreak I've Found A Greater Resolve To Oppose The Ways Of The World. To Purge The World Clean Of This Division. To Ensure That The Generations After Ours Are Free From This Blight That Has Plagued My Life. Or Ours, Should You Choose Not To Give It Up Yet.

Adieu To Y'all. Thanks To A Mortal Dove, The Nether Phoenix That Is Ian 'IMD!!!' Chee Has Risen From These Ashes Of Darkness Once Again.

Immortally IMD!!!

2010-08-12T10:25:00.001+08:00

I am myself a blackened shadow,
A dark silhouette on a bright meadow,
It is who I am, not what binds me,
Not just my past, but my identity.

My hatred is immortal,
For my past was infernal,
Destroyed I was by actions not my own,
But by fools who, until today,
Believe for nothing they have to atone.

When fault is mine and mine alone,
Then solutions are mine to hone,
But when that lies in another,
Blame is all I can do,
But can improve no further.

By knowing just this single fact,
I know that from now on I must act,
I am at peace with myself,
But not the fools who's descriptions,
Are exactly like some book of the shelf.

I will not repeat the same mistake,
To do to others what they did to me,
For that and that alone,
The ease of life I'm willing to forsake,
Till my very own way is plain to see.

That is why I defy society's norm
Because what they need is a real reform
To realize their faults and wrongs
To return fairness and justice,
Back to where they belong.

But if they choose to keep their rotten ways,
I shall personally set them ablaze,
For some fools are beyond salvation,
Their existence do no more,
Than rushing the world's annihilation.

To the rest of the world,
Whom my flames they eagerly fan,
Just try to stop me if you can!
Because,
As you're ending, I'm about to begin,
My strength is pain, but I'll never give in!

I march alone against this worldly tide,
When others would steer clear, far and wide,
I fear not the impossible,
As long as I fight for myself,
And for a goal honorable.

Those who will choose to join me,
Shall do so ever willingly,
But know that I am fully prepared,
To fight alone, unimpaired.

This is what it means to be IMD!!!,
To be Inspiring Matchless Decree,
For all who choose to oppose me,
Be ready to set your life free,
When I am done there will only be,
Lifeless corpses as far as the eye can see!!!

I Declare...

2010-08-11T04:14:00.003+08:00

Today Was The Ultimate Emotional Torment For Me. The Ultimate Worst. I Wonder Myself How Could I NOT Take My Own Life After Today. I Was Practically Bashed Across The Face First Thing In The Morning In Campus, Forcefully Fed With Poison That Reacts The Moment It Enters The Mouth During The Very First Class, Bound, Gagged And Whipped Mercilessly At Midday, And Worst Of All, Had A Stake Thrown Right Through My Heart When I Thought I Can Finally Get Away From All Of It. HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL ENDURE ALL THIS!? WHY AM I STILL ALIVE!?

I Swear It's Like Having AIDS, Getting Skinned Alive, Fed Rat Poison And Still Surviving For 3 Months And Counting Past The Estimated Time Of Death.

All This Intentional Provocation, Do You Really Wish To See Me Suffer That Much? Do You Share His Delight In Torturing Others? In Torturing ME!?

Indeed. Perhaps The One Condition For A Successful Relationship Of The Seven That I Can Never Agree To Is True; That You Have To Let Your Partner Influence You. Now I See How Is That True. So True To The Extent That One Was Willing To Become A Hypocrite While Another Became A Sadist.

That Unconditional Support, Even In Fault, That I Have Yearned For All These Months, Is To Be Out Of My Reach. Forever.

In This I Must And Will Correct My Statement. You Are Not Blind, I Was Wrong About That. You Were Just Devoted. So Much So That, Like The Person You Are Devoted To, Nothing Else Matters, And The Only People Who Are Feinting Ignorance Are Those That Said Person Has Yet To Cross.

Happiest Two Days My Foot. More Like Two Years.

With That I Officially Declare Myself An Anti-Social. Because Society Only Brings Despair To One From A World Free Of Deception.

Adieu To Y'all. Feel No Remorse, For When You Are Hit, You Deserve It Hard. As Hard As I Had It At Least.

What Else Do You Have To Say, Huh?

2010-08-09T20:27:00.002+08:00

It's Ironically Amazing How True The Word 'Loneliness' Describes Me. That Presentation On Loneliness Really Opened My Eyes (And Hopefully Of Others As Well), Justified My Actions And Kind Of Retold The Story Of My Past. Many Facts Confirmed My Misery, Many Details Justified My Agony, Many Points Just Proved To Me That I Was Right About What I Speculated To Have Destroyed My Life. And It's So True Yet Ironic, I Can't Help But Laugh.

That's The Thing About People Destined For Greatness: They Live A Life Harder And More Challenging Than Your Average Person And When They Want To Have Someone Understand The Shit They Go Through, Most People Can't Accept The Fact That They're Still Alive After All That. Some Degenerates Even Resort To Telling Others That The Hard Life Faced By These Great People Was A 'Made-Up-Story' Intended To Be Used To Fish For Sympathy And To Make Others Feel Bad For Them Or Feel Guilty For Not Helping Them Out.

But There You Are. We Are Who We Are Because Of What Life Put Us Through. And We Have Survived What None Of You Could Ever Imagine, Let Alone Understand. Concrete Evidence Presented, Though I Can't Really Prove Anything Unless You Personally Interview My Mum And Goddad. Not That I Expect Degenerates To Understand In The First Place; I Just Want To Make Things Clear, The Fact That I Don't Make Stories Up To Fish For Sympathy Or Impose Guilt Onto Others. Especially Not The One That I Love. Not The One That I Am Eternally Indebted To. Not The One That I Must Stay Away From Just To Not Risk Hurting.

But I Guess It Is Too Late. Hate Has Sprouted From The Degenerate-Planted Seed. And The Acknowledging Of My True Enemy Has Fueled The Growth Of Hate. All Too Little, Too Late. All That Can Still Be Done Is To Not Allow The Seed Of Hate Sprout From My Own Heart.

Adieu To Y'all. I Acknowledge That In Much Wisdom Is Much Grief.

Sugar Makes Me HOT!!!

2010-08-08T23:35:00.002+08:00

Literally. Hot As In I Feel Like Freezing My Hairy Arse By Sitting Butt Naked On Antarctic Ice. Because For The Past 3 Days I've Been Consuming 1.5 Litres Of Sugar Per Day. No Shit. Yesterday I Finished A Bottle Of Sprite, Which Contains 11g Of Sugar Per 100ml. Today I Finished A Bottle Of Vanilla Coke, Which Like Sprite And It's Ordinary Counterpart, Also Has 11g Of Sugar For Every 100ml. And Tomorrow, The Way Things Are Going, I'm Expecting To Finish A Bottle Of Mountain Dew That Has A Whopping 12.5g Of Sugar In 100ml.

Damn I'm Gonna Regain All The Weight That My Depression Made Me Lose.

And Yeah. There You Are. Mountain Dew Is Officially The Sweetest Soft Drink. And Not Freaking 100-Plus For Goodness Sakes. Really, Wherever You Heard That Rumour Just Cast It Back Where It Came From. It's Just Got Like, 6.5g If I Remember Correctly.

And Also, I'm Gonna Bathe 3 Times A Day Because Of This.

Damn It Feels Like Chinese New Year All Over Again.

And Ironically, I'm Taking A Hot Cup Of Milo To Hopefully Aid Me In Falling Asleep Because I Ran Out Of Cough Mixture. Because Milk From 7-11 Is Only Worth Buying When You Think Anything There Is Worth Twice The Usual Price. Hell, I Payed Almost RM5 For A Bloody Bottle Of Sprite That I Can Get In Tesco For What, RM2.50?

Well, Adieu To Y'all. When All This Is Done I SWEAR I'm Gonna Get A Lifetime Supply Of Sleeping Pills.

The Weak Of Mind Beware.

2010-08-08T18:59:00.002+08:00

I Have Decided To Put 'The Carapace', A Blog By Another Atheist, Here. It's Now On The Right Labeled As 'Food For Thought'.

And Seriously, Should You Choose To Read It, Think About It Before Dismissing Everything You See As Blasphemy And Outrageous And Whatnot; There May Be More Truth There Than Anything You've Ever Encountered In Life. And I Say This Because This Blog Has Confirmed Many Of The Doubts I Had In Life, And Being Proven Right There's Nothing That Can Boost My Self-Confidence More Than This At The Moment. Those Who Are Intolerant Towards Freedom Of Thought And Speech, However, Should Really Break That Barrier, Cast Aside The Prejudices And Stereotypes That You've Bound Yourselves And The Rest Of The World To, And Just Take It With A Pinch Of Salt At Least. Because In Reality, The Same Should Be Done With What You've Held Onto For However Long You Have Lived. Those Who Cannot Afford To Trade Their Pride For Wisdom, Well, You Have Been Warned. Don't Say I Didn't Warn You, Because I Remember Placing A Very Harsh Warning Right Above The Link.

That Said, I Must Again Announce That I Am No Atheist. What I Am Is An Agnostic. What's The Difference? There's A Whole World Of It.

I Amaze Myself Today. Though I'm Having Heavy Metal Blasting Through My Earphones To Amplify My Current State Of Depression, My Tone Is Surprisingly Calm And Forgiving Today. Hmm...

Well, Adieu To Y'all. Maybe The Coming Out Of The Second Wisdom Tooth Really Worked As A Depression Leak.

Kindness Is Inhuman

2010-08-07T17:59:00.004+08:00

After Watching That Video About Abortion, It Just Proves To Me How Selfish One Must Be To Be Human. How Selfish One Must Be To Survive The Human Society To Be Human; How One Must Protect One's Self Even If It Means Taking The Lives Or Livelihood Of Countless Others. And Yet Generations Of Hypocritical Parents Tell Their Children To Not Do To People What You Don't Want Done To You. How's That Even Possible? So We Should Not Kill Others And Let Others Kill Us Instead Because We Don't Want Others To Kill Us? How's That Even Possible? How's It Possible For Us To Survive Without Harming Others When They Key To Survival Is Harming Others? For The Third Bleeding Time, How Is That Even Possible?

And They're Telling Us Not To Be Selfish.

Oh Sure. Then When We Sceptical Young Ones Point Out The Inconsistencies And Contradictions Then They Start Feeding Us The "Oh, There Are Exceptions" Bullshit. So How Does One Not Be Selfish And Care For One's Self First? How Does One Be Selfless And Care For One's Own Needs? It's Like, Better Safe Than Sorry But Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained. So What The FUCK Are We Supposed To Do? I KNOW! LETS BE BARBARIC AND KILL EVERYONE BEFORE ANYONE CAN KILL OURSELVES! SO I'M GONNA KILL YOU BEFORE YOU KILL ME!!!

And Such Is The Destiny Of Mankind. If One's Need Is Satisfied By Harming Another, Then Let's All Kill Each Other And So The Last Man Standing Gets Whatever He Wanted.

Contradictions.

Everyday And Everywhere We Find Contradictions. And I Grow Sick Of It. Shows More Of Mankind's True Colours. And All In The Name Of Personal Gain. Personal Benefit. At The Expense Of Others. And That Is What Makes Us Human. Proves That Humans Are Animals As Well. And It Is So Unlike The Beasts That We Are To Be Kind, Regardless Of How Much We Deny Being Beasts. So It Is Also True That As Much As People Are Born With The Innate Ability For Compassion, There Is Also The Innate Ability For Evil. And It Is Such A Sad Reality That The Evil People Outnumber The Compassionate By A Million (Or More) To One.

But People Tell Me To Have Hope. So That I Can Be Disappointed Again? Sorry. I'd Rather Not. They Say We All Fall In Life, But It Is A Choice Whether Or Not We Get Up Again. So My Choice Is To Stay Down. So That I Do Not Fall Again And Break Another Bone. Because The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall. So Vermin Can Afford To Drop Again And Again Without Anything To Lose, But Every Time I Reach For The Sky, Somehow Gravity Gets Infinite Times Stronger And I Land With A Bang. I'm Surprised I Don't Land Squished By My Own Body Weight.

How Can I Love Mankind Anymore?

People Are Double Crossed In The Name Of Personal Gain. People Lie In The Name Of Personal Gain. People Abandon Obedience And Adopt Deviance For Personal Gain. People Forget Who They Are For Personal Gain. People Lose Themselves For Personal Gain. Ironic. This Isn't Give And Take Anymore. This Is Downright Rob And Throw Away. To The Extent That They Would Destroy Their Lives Just To Live.

People Will Brand Me A Fool For Not Thinking As They Do. I Brand Myself A Fool For Not Thinking As I Do Now Sooner. I Brand Myself A Fool For Only Realizing The True Colour Of Mankind After 15 Years Of Life When I Should've Realized It During The Very First Year. Such A Simple Fact Took Me So Long To Learn. It Literally Took Me 15 Years To Understand Why Two Plus Two Is Equal To Two Times Two Which Is Also Equal To Two Squared, All Having 4 As The Number On The Other Side Of The Equation.

Adieu To Y'all. Until The Next You Hear Of This Fool.

When Everything Goes Down, Down, Down...

2010-08-06T08:55:00.003+08:00

I Think Sometimes The Only Explanation For My Blog Background Not Loading Is Because ImageShack Is Facing Technical Issues At That Particular Moment.

I Think That People Actually Put All Their Hearts Into Smiting Me, And They Plan It So Carefully That It's All Supposed To Feel Random. And Though I Know That They Derive Pleasure From Me Suffering, I Just Can't Help But Express How Miserable I Am Just So That They Know That They're Doing A Good Job At Smiting Me. Probably Because I Actually Enjoy Depression, No Mater How Much I Hate It At The Very Same Time. It's Like Eating Bittersweet Food; You Hate With All Your Heart The Bitterness, But Just For The Sake Of The Rewarding Sensation That Is The Sweetness You Put Yourself Through Hell. Well, It Applies To Me At Least.

I Think That FictionJunction Yuuka Is Probably The Best Project That Kajiura Yuki Had Ever Worked On. Followed By Her Assisting Toshihiko Sahashi In Gundam Seed/Seed Destiny OST And Then Her Solo Works. See-Saw And Her Other FictionJunction Pairs Haven't Done As Well As The First And Longest Running FictionJunction.

I Think I Have 3 Wisdom Teeth. And The Second One Is Confirmed, Giving Me The Telltale Irritations And Slight Pains That The First One Didn't. Hopefully Since It's Giving Me All These Small Time Problems It Wont Give Me The Damn Ulcer That The First One Did, Because Damn That Was Irritatingly Painful. Which Sucks. I Remember My Father Saying This Just To Make Me (And Mum) Feel Bad: "If It Comes Out Normally, Then You Call It A Wisdom Tooth. If It Gives You Problems, Then It's A Foolish Tooth." (Vincent Chee, 2010)

DAMN I HATE WISDOM(Or Foolish) TEETH!!!~~~

I Think Marvel VS Capcom 3 Is Awesome. I Also Think That I'm Getting A PS3 Because Of It. And Because Of Many Other Games Like Tekken6 And Metal Gear Solid 5 And Assassin's Creed II. And The Four Games With A 4 In Them: Devil May Cry 4, Super Street Fighter 4, GTA 4 And Also Metal Gear Solid 4.

I Think I'm Really Having Low Chances Of Surviving This Year, Thus Not Surviving To See A PS3 In My Possession. Because I'm Spending Money Like Who Knows What And If I Don't Seek Professional Help Soon, I'll Probably Be Spending Blood As Well.

I Think The Price OF Recycled Paper Has Gone Up. Because I'm Paying RM1.20 For New Straits Times That Keeps Getting Thinner And Thinner By The Day. One Day I Think I'll Really Resort To Counting Them Pages To See If I'm Wrong.

I Think While The Price Of Sugar Has Gone Up, The Price Of Condensed Milk Has Gone Down Instead. The Last Time I Ordered For Milo It Looked More Like Milk With Milo Than Milo With Milk.

I Think That's All I Can Think Of At The Moment. Or Rather, That's All I Can Remember Of What I Had In My Mind For The Past Month.

I Think Now's The Time For Me To Say Adieu To Y'all. And For The Record, Capcom PWNS Marvel. Go Dante, Trish, Amaterasu, Morrigan And Chris.

Immortal Revelation

2010-08-04T09:22:00.001+08:00

When mankind turn into vermin,
All that they deserve is famine,
For only in loss will they realize,
The value of the already lost prize.

There is no turning back for them,
The problem was rooted too deep to stem,
Though they may have once been a gem,
Tainted, they are less than disgusting phlegm.

A single year is all it takes,
Before a carefully built bridge breaks,
All that thanks not to dire quakes,
But merely to treacherous snakes.

Long seen through, your poorly played facade,
Perhaps you take me for a retard,
But just like you, I can put up an act,
But mine will end along with this contract.

Different people you now are,
Not the people we once knew,
But this change is in fact a scar,
That forces us to bid you adieu.

As clouds adopt a crimson shade,
Raining down a bloody cascade,
Revealing this unworthy crusade,
Unveiling hearts behind masquerades.

Time and nature has both revealed,
The string pullers behind the battlefield,
Oppression their idea of peace,
Assuming revolution will cease.

Let them continue this Endless Waltz,
Of war, peace and revolution,
Let them be blind to their victory false,
As we found a stronger resolution.

All Became Clear

2010-08-02T21:13:00.004+08:00

Now I Know.

You Don't Know Yourself. You Just 'Believe' What Others Impose Onto You. You Just Blindly Trust What Others Say They Think About You. Now I Don't Just Know. Now I Understand.

I Am Very Terribly Saddened. I Am Saddened By The Fact That All My Attempts To Enlighten You Have Miserably Failed. Perhaps My Cryptic Ways Were More Mysterious And Unclear When Compared To Your Nonexistent Spiritual Guardian, So Much So That You Can't Even Grasp A Hint Of It. But I Do Not Blame You Entirely. Those Who Imposed Values Upon You Are Also At Fault. But There Is One Thing In Which I Am Equally At Fault As You, And That Is Being Human. Yes, We Are Both Humans, And Thus We Are Vulnerable To All This Nonsense. So If I Was Ever Sorry About Anything, If I Was Ever To Regret Anything, it Is Being Human. If There Is One Thing About You And I That I Absolutely Have To Hate, It Is The Fact That You And I Are Human. The Fact That We Are The Weaklings Known As Humans Is What Makes Us Vulnerable To All This Shit.

But In The End, What Sets Us Apart Is That I Chose The Harder Path. I Chose The Path Without Faith, But Only Knowledge. I Chose The Path That Will Eventually Make Me Stronger. The Path That Allows Me To See And Accept The World For What It Truly Is, And Not To Continuously Convince Myself That Everything Will Be Fine. Because In The End, One Who Can Bear The Burden Of Knowledge Is One Who Is Free From The False Bliss That Ignorance Brings.

How Did This Dawn Upon Me? A Really Good Presentation That Touched A Little About Emotional Quotient And Something You Mentioned Yourself Led To This Revelation. Once Again, I Must Thank You. Yet Again You Have Given Me A Point Of View That Showed Me What The World's True Nature Really Is, Albeit Unwittingly So. However Ironic It May Be, I Now Cannot Deny That It Is The Ignorance Of Others That Eventually Grants Me Wisdom.

Perhaps It Is Truly My Destiny. That I Must Be One Thing That I Despise To The Core; That I Must Make Use Of The Misfortune Of Others To Rise Above The Clouds. But At Least For Me It Is Justified; As Revenge Upon Those Who Have Manipulated Me. Though This Does Not Change The Fact That I'm Destined For Greatness. What About You? What Is Your Destiny? To Be Blindly Led Around By Questionable, Non-Trustworthy People? That, Is Entirely Up To You To Decide.

It Is Still My Wish That You Will One Day Just Snap Out Of This Pleasant Illusion Of Yours And Wake Up To Reality. But The Way Things Are Going, That'll Probably Remain Just As Wishful Thinking For The Foreseeable Future.

Wise Up Please, People. Or Perhaps It Is I That Should Wise Up And Stop Trying To Save Those Who Are Not Exactly Keen To Save Themselves. But I Suppose That This Proves That Humans Are Indeed Born With The Innate Nature Of Kindness Towards Others, Regardless Of What Others May Think Of Them.

Adieu To Y'all. Rise To The Skies With Me; Free Yourself From This Pit Of Malice, And Help Me Save The Rest Of Those Who Mutually Mean Something In Our Lives.

The Colour Of Mankind

2010-08-02T11:10:00.003+08:00

Is A Dark, Morbid, Bloody And Twisted One. More Than Enough Times Have I Seen People Change For The Worse For Selfish Reasons And Gains. A Mere Joker Turned Into A Liar, Traitor And Manipulator That Turns On Everyone Else Just To Achieve Personal Goals. An Atheist Who Suddenly Turns Into A Believer Just Because Their Significant Other i.e. Boyfriend/Girlfriend Is A Believer, And Starts Saying Stuff Like 'God Bless You' And 'God Is Always With You' And All The Fucking Shitty Nonsense That We Used To Laugh At So Wildly Together. A Once Smart And Critical Person Turns To A Simple-Minded 'Believer' Who Simply Believes Everything That Is Said Without Investigation Or Analysis. And It Is No Coincidence That Said Person Believes Every Single Badmouth Out There That Are Hell Bent On Making My Life Miserable. Well, Sorry Assholes, If You're Gonna Be Stupid And Have Blind Faith In EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING, Then Your Foolishness Is Beyond Salvation. Damn Now I Really Respect Oda Nobunaga.

So What Is Exactly The Colour Of Mankind? Just Take A Picture Of A Rainbow And Invert Its Colours And You'll Have A Slight Idea Of How Sickening It Is. It Is Fucked Up.

I Just Can't Stop Thinking About How Utterly Selfish Humans Can Be When For Countless Generations We've Been Telling Each Other How Not To Treat Others In Ways We Don't Want To Be Treated. But I Guess All That Can Be Forgone As Long As One Achieves What One Wants.

That's Why I Am IMD!!!. That Is Why I Will Do Whatever I Can To Oppose Every Single Norm Of Twisted Humanity; To Set Things Straight And Back On Course On Enlightened Civilization, Not Backward Barbarism. That Is Why I'm No Vermin Who Does Not Walk The Talk. That's Why I Swore To Myself Never To Be The Bigmouth No Balls And Brains Kind Of Guy. That's Why I Don't Make Promises Unless I'm 100% Certain I Won't Break Them. That Is Why I Am So Intolerant To Uncertainty. Because That Is What Humanity Made Me: A Seemingly Uncertain Person Who Says Maybe To Every Single Thing Because He's Not 100% Sure.

And After All I've Been Through I Just Have To Say This Again: It Sucks To Be Me. But Then Again, To Be Strong Is To Have A Life Like The Rest But Come Out Higher Than The Rest. Or To Have A Harder Life Than Others But To Come Up Equal Or Better. And Clearly The Latter Undeniably Applies To Me. So To All Y'all Who Wanna Screw My Life Over, Too Bad Suckers. Unless God Himself Wanted To... No, That Wouldn't Help You Either.

And Now I Officially Declare Myself An Agnostic. Because I Don't Know And I Don't Fucking Care. Makes No Difference Save The Fact That People Will Actually Be Stronger Mentally If The Nonexistent Being Was Proven To Not Exist.

Adieu To Y'all. From DMD To IMD, We All Know This Is One Step To Greatness.

When the Devil Danced Alone - An Alluringly Beautiful Dedication

2010-07-25T23:07:00.009+08:00

Life Has Been Hard For Me Recently, For The Past 2 Months. But When I Was On The Brink Of Death, Something Saved Me. Someone, Rather.

And So This Is No Tribute, But A Dedication, To A Non-Existent Person Who Has Been In My Memory For 8 Years, But Has Only Very Recently Been My Life-Support. One Who Played An Active Role In My Solitary Fantasy, Keeping Me Sane And Those Around Me Safe From Any Harm That I Might Have Caused. And If You Have Read My Previous Work, This Can Also Be Regarded As A Sequel, Though Not Intended, To 'When the Angel Waltzed With the Devil'.

Inspired From 2 Songs From Gundam Seed And Seed Destiny, 暁の車（Akatsuki no Kuruma i.e. Dawn's Carriage) And 焔の扉(Honoo no Tobira i.e. Door of Flames) Respectively, Both By FictionJunction YUUKA, This Is My Dedication To Cagalli Yula Athha, Another Alluringly Beautiful Maiden Born Of The Brilliant Imagination Of Another That I Have Taken Into My Mind, My Own World, To Save Me From My Ultimate Enemy, That Is The Brutal Reality That IMD!!! Lives In.

Sacred ashes I stride across,
Hoping someday our paths will cross,
Somewhere without memories of our loss,
Instead, covered with gentle, growing moss.

With bare hands I open this flaming gate,
To cleanse this tainted, darkened fate,
To regret now is already too late,
But at least others are spared from my hate.

Purged clean into a brand new dawn,
A brand new horizon being drawn,
A new world with corruption withdrawn,
And its kind never to re-spawn.

If only I could cry in this shade,
And just let all this grief fade,
Then I need not put up this charade,
And there'd be no need for this serenade.

With the evening's passing calm,
I hold on to memories bittersweet,
With this token of water in my palm,
I set them free while I make my retreat.

I hope to never again see the day,
When balance is swept away,
When flowers wilt with a sickly grey,
When the world is filled with death and decay,
When the Sun loses its shining ray,
When I have only myself to flay,
Because of my heart's frantic play,
For I know,
This is an excessive price to pay.

As I open the door of daybreak,
And hope this new tomorrow,
Will be free from the same mistake,
I see a pure white unstained by sorrow,
Orange petals stirred a summer shadow,
Blooming from the seeds of eternal hope,
Into a beautiful kaleidoscope.

The rhythm of farewell I shall strum,
To the tiny twinkle that has become,
A beacon of hope from the dark twilight,
Where people can hold hands and unite,
As sorrow turns into silence,
May it grant empowering resilience.

I Have Truly Outdone Myself. In The The Face Of Death I Have Laughed, In The Realm Of Despair I Have Thrived, And In The Hands Of Torment I Have Survived. My Imagination Being The Only Reason I Have Not Lost My Mind, It May Also Be The Main Cause If I Ever Lost It.

Adieu To Y'all. Until The Ashes Of This Phoenix Rises Again.

Warning In Awakening

2010-07-21T01:13:00.003+08:00

Chaos brews while I observe,
Perpetrators elude what they deserve,
Though we were hurt, we can still forgive,
But this situation,
How will the rest of the world perceive?

But what's past is past and what's done is done,
Better to face it than to run,
And I hope from now you'll do as I do,
To observe from the sides and see it through.

In saying all that,
I hope from this you have learned,
To recognize your true foe in turn,
If you have not, then forgive me,
For there's more of this that I should see.

I never knew the extent of this mess,
And my greatest regret I'd express,
But to accept who the culprit was,
It might take more than just because.

For words alone are this one's tool,
To manipulate and to fool,
To cast off all others for this one's goal,
To trust this one will bring a heavy toll.

To gain your trust, all else were cast down,
All so that this one would wear your crown,
In order to bring you this joy,
Your true cohorts were cast away like toys.

I hope that you've sufficient discretion,
To see through this false impression,
To free yourself from the possession,
Of the perpetrator in question.

Uncovered for you, the wolf in sheep's skin,
Along with the tainted blight within,
In saving yourself, you save all,
From what would be an eternal fall.

Another Break From Immortality

2010-07-15T23:54:00.003+08:00

Though I Really Shouldn't Be Doing This Right Now When I Still Have Tonnes Of Work Pilling Up, But What-The-Heck-Ever Man.

First Off,
Congratulations To Si Panjang Of 19 a.k.a. Shangee For Winning The Memory Competition AGAIN! Damn, This Is Like Some Sort Of Fixed Income For You Every Year. When Are We, The Entire 19 Gang, Gonna Raid The Mind Festival In Formal Suits Again? Hahahaha. We Really Should. But Anyway, I Welcome Y'all Again To Kampar In Advance. Seriously, I'll Be Waiting To See You Win Again Next Year.

Secondly,
I Noticed As Many As I've Seen Turtledoves In Kampar, There Are A Relatively Large Number Of Magpies As Well. Looking At Them Up Close, You Wouldn't Believe That They're From The Crow Family. Because They Just Look So Different. The Shape Of The Head And Tail Would Tell You That Much.

Well, To Date I've Been Depressed For The 2nd Consecutive Month. Maybe I Can Now Go To The Nearest Hospital And Tell A Psychiatrist That I Have Extreme Suicidal Tendencies. Then Maybe He Or She'd Write Me A Letter To Certify That I'm Depressed Enough To Be Considered Mentally Ill. Then I Can Go On A Mad Rampage And Kill Whoever Gets In My Way, AND Get Away With It. Isn't That Just The Most Awesome Idea? I Know You Wouldn't Think So. But I DO! And There's No Changing It, Sorry To Say.

Well, Before That Kind Of Crap Happens, Let Me Ask Y'all A Really (To Me, At Least) Philosophical Question:

Death eventually comes to us all,
Like how a rise is tailed by a fall,
But while we live, can we stand tall,
And leave our name in fame's Hall?

For no success can be eternal,
Life's only forever in a journal,
When our rewards are temporary,
Or when it is not contemporary,
When it is not ours to fully enjoy,
Is it really worth the best we deploy?

With All That's Happened, My Answer Is No. Do Any Of Y'all Have A Different Opinion? Do Share Your Reason For It As Well.

Until Then, Adieu To Y'all.

Tribute No.2 - Gundam Epyon

2010-07-12T23:07:00.004+08:00

This Is Very Much Inspired By Yat's Tribute To Char And Amuro. But Since I Think The Suit Has A Greater Implication That Its Pilot Or Creator, The Tribute Goes To It Directly.

Codenamed Epyon, Greek for 'Next',
Immortal Honour its image reflects,
Its awesome power matched only by one,
Proving that a sword,
Can be mightier than any gun.

Within a twin head dragon resides,
A fearless knight, a turner of tides,
Bringing into battle an unmatched grace,
While still staring at death in the face.

Foolish was any reason for war,
When life is something to adore,
And when humans were not at the core,
No life is lost, but the chaos is more.

To realize such foolishness, men must fight,
Only in knowing grief and loss,
Will we know what is right,
For this reason, the Epyon was born,
To enlighten mankind, its duty sworn.

Though much blood it has spilled,
And all its foes fear its skill,
Honour and wisdom it has instilled,
To all who knew its creator's goodwill.

This is my tribute to the fearsome suit,
To its bitter efforts and sweet fruit,
Its every detail beautifully drawn,
The one and only Gundam Epyon.

Well, There It Is. Now If Only Bandai Will Revive It And Make An MG Grade Of The Thing.

Adieu To Y'all. It's Like A Cinema With Multiple Movies On Air At The Same Time Here! XD

Immortal Vengeance

2010-07-05T23:52:00.002+08:00

A rare gift I bestowed on one,
But used against me is what was done,
Thank you for giving me reason to hate,
The best gift to me by fate.

Indeed what I saw was all a play,
Intended to lead me astray,
What I heard was even worse,
My very nature it did perverse.

I was really just a mere tool,
And to play along, I was such a fool,
But two more were added as a result,
To the list of people who support this insult,
They too wish for it to happen,
'Ian Must Die' in their minds fully laden.

It was you who encouraged me,
And now you chop me down like a dying tree,
So indeed you are full of hypocrisy,
Thou shall never hear more words from me.

You know not beyond what meets your eye,
Who are you to say it's a lie?
You don't have what it takes to even try,
To live a day as Ian Must Die!!!

My fidelity was wrongly placed,
Infinite shame I have then faced,
To be blinded by such a trifle,
My clairvoyant eye completely stifled.

Now I know more than ever,
To trust this eye in every endeavour,
For confirmed it is now, what it once saw,
Painless breath I can now draw.

Glad I am that I remain who I am,
A relentless soul that stops at nothing,
A demon that will not scram,
Once I set my sight on something.

Though I thank you for reviving my fire,
But regretted you have, and end it you tried,
But all these games I grow to tire,
Your greatest wish shall be forever denied.

You shall never see a shadow of me,
Where you are, that's where I won't be,
A presence as mine is undeserving,
Just as yours would be unnerving.

Proud I am now to embrace the dark,
For I am forever a stark,
Destined to leave an unacceptable mark,
A revolution will finally spark.

Hail to a darkness divine,
Through this void a light will shine,
From the angst of cursed memories,
A just revenge to cure my misery.

Immortal Observer

2010-07-05T11:04:00.002+08:00

This charade they continue to play,
When it is obvious as the light of day,
More pain for me is what they desire,
To burn me with my own immortal fire.

Perhaps the purity that I've seen,
Was nothing but a screwed up show,
All fun and games it has been,
With sincerity placed down below.

I realize I've been fed another lie,
It hurts me so much that I can die,
But now something else I observe,
As I watch my beloved dove fly,
I see no more of the elegant curve,
Strange it is, and I wonder why.

Separated against her will,
Perhaps an expectation to fulfill,
Sorrow now engulfs the pair,
And one of them I would beware.

Burn me they will, but I shouldn't care,
For whatever happens between them
Is never my affair,
For observe is all I'm allowed,
As my presence must remain in shroud.

It's like looking through a sniper's scope,
But could never pull the trigger,
For the moment I succumb to hope,
I land myself in something bigger.

This is my tale as I tell it,
From a distant point of view,
A part I've played, I admit,
But the end is twisted in lieu.

Things will never be the same again,
What was before, I could only pen,
If the night is darkest before the dawn,
Then I would forever envy them,
For what awaits them that I'll never have,
Is a brand new Avalon.

Immortal Solitude, Soon

2010-06-29T17:46:00.004+08:00

After Much Reflection And Recollection, I Realize, Indeed, Solitude Is Really The Best Kind Of Life For Me. Not That I Want To Be Alone Eternally, But Just That, It's Only With The Distance Can I Really Enjoy Friendship. Because... Uh... Well, This Is Hard To Put In Words Actually.

Put It This Way. Only With The Distance And The Lack Of Propinquity Can I Truly Enjoy To The Fullest What It Feels Like To Have Friends. Without Screwing Up. Yes, Main Point Being 'Without Screwing Up'. I Mean, I Like The Idea Of Friends, And How They Are There When You Need Them And All, But I'm Always Scared I Screw Things Up. Because I Always Do, Hence The Fear. Because It's Nice To Know That There Are People That You Can Really Talk With, Crap With Even, People That You Can Really Feel Comfortable And Cozy And Whatnot In Their Presence. And When You Find These People, You Really Don't Wanna Let The Shit Hit The Fan And Mess Things Up Between You And Them. Which Happens WAY Too Often To Me.

I Remember There Was A Time That Some Shit Happened And A Friend Of Mine And I Myself Never Spoke To Each Other For More Than 1/2 A Year. Something I Said/Done, But Never Found Out What, Even Till This Day. But Thanks To The Magic That Is Time And Space, Things Are Fixed And Now We Are More Than Just On Talking Terms; Back To Being Really Good Friends.

And Now The Exact Same Tragedy Is Happening; Something I Said AND Done, And I Know Perfectly What They Are, BUT, After The Shit Hits The Fan It Splatters Around The Floor With A Totally Different Pattern, And A Familiar One At That; One That I Doubt I'll Ever Be Prepared To Face, No Matter How Many Times It Recurs.

I Myself Lost Count Of How Many Times Such A Fate Befell Me. Which Is Why I Finally Decided, Solitude Is For The Best, For Myself And People Worthy Enough To Be My Friends, Because With The Scarce Interaction I Won't Get The Chance To Mess Our Relationship Up, And If They Deem Me Unworthy Of Being Their Friend, Then They Can Just Forget I Ever Existed. There, A Rare Win-Win Situation In A Zero-Sum-Game World.

And Since I'm A Damn Weird Person Who Only Gets Homesick Upon Returning Home After A VERY Long Time Away From It, I Also Find That I Miss Friends When Communicating With Them Directly After A VERY Long Time Of Not Keeping In Touch. And Y'all Who Know Me Well Would Also Know That I Don't Communicate Much With People, Let Alone In Person. So Whenever After A Some Weeks/Months When I Decide To Text/IM/Call Someone Or Receive Them From Someone, It'll Just Strike Me; How Damn Long Was It Since We Last Talked, Damn I Miss This Person. Even More So When We Actually Meet/Gather In Person.

I Start To Miss The Guys Of 19 When They Ask Me To Join A Game Of DotA Through GG. I Miss Them Most When We Actually Gather At One Place For A LAN Game Of DotA.

I Start To Miss The Girls Of 19 When They Call For A Meeting To Discuss Our Next Trip Somewhere For The Semester Break. I Miss Them The Most When All Of 19 Gather During Our Outing Before Bed For Something Like A Pillowtalk Session For The Whole Group.

I Start To Miss The People Of TB1 (That Are Not Here In Kampar) When I'm Informed That They'll Be At Some Event That I Can Make It To, Or When Some Of Them Plan To Actually Come Up North To Kampar Itself. I Miss Them Most When I Actually Meet And Talk To Them, Be It Here In Kampar Or Wherever We Have Our Foundation Reunion, Although As Y'all Know, I Won't Be The One Talking Much.

So To Every Single Friend Of Mine Who Would Willingly And Sincerely Reciprocate These Feelings And Emotions Of Friendship, Especially Those With Me In May 2009 PY Intake, Please Forgive Me, For I May Not Appreciate Y'all The Way Y'all Would Me At This Time. Perhaps After We Graduate, Go Our Separate Ways And Live Our Separate Lives, Will I Truly Value The Priceless Blessing That Is Your Companionship During These 3 Years In UTAR. And I'll Dedicate A Masterpiece Of Mine To All Y'all Who Have Given Me The Privilege Of Your Company When I Can Achieve My (Almost) Immortal Solitude.

Speaking Of Which, The Poem By The Title 'Immortal Irony' That I Promised Y'all Is Complete, But I Unwittingly Added Too Much Juicy Stuff Into It That I Decided It Won't Be Posted Anytime Soon. Perhaps After The Dust Of The Incident Has Died Down.

Adieu To Y'all. And I Thank Y'all For Really Adding Spice To My Life.

Immortal Silence

2010-06-27T00:23:00.006+08:00

200th Post. But I'm Not Celebrating Anything Or Whatever. Instead I Dedicate This Post To The One Simple Minded Fella Who I Neglected So Badly, But Very Much Saved My Skin During These Troubled Times. Partly Thanks To Him I Have Not Yet Decided To Let Others Find Pieces Of Me On The Train Tracks.

A speechless soul who lives so close,
Who understands not my poem and prose,
Although he doesn't act very smart,
His funny antics warms the heart.

One which constantly wants to play,
Which tenderly wipes my sweat away,
When the going gets tough for me,
He comes over and gives me glee.

I'll never know how much he understands,
But he feels my heart through my hands,
When I rub his head with a gloomy heart,
He sits next to me, silent and smart.

Neglected him I have for so long,
Simple minded was all I thought he was,
But indeed he proved me wrong,
He knows how to heal with his paws.

When I talk to him, nod is all he'd do,
Not a hint of disagreement he'd strew,
He whines whenever I sigh,
Perhaps stopping me from wanting to cry.

Though into my life he suddenly came,
A valuable companion he became,
White coffee we call this playful soul,
Man's best friend, with a noble role.

Adieu To Y'all. No Matter How Hard This Screwed Up Life Is Getting, It's Not Gonna Change The Fact That It Feels Too Good To Be Back.

Immortal AWEZOMENESS!!!

2010-06-25T16:54:00.002+08:00

Before That...

The Previous Poem Of Mine Made Me Think That I Might Actually Be A Very Bad Poet. Why? Because When Mum Read It, She Gave Me An Interpretation That I Never Expected, And I Was "Oh Crap, People Could Get The Wrong Message Out Of It" Before She Clarified That She Thought So Because She Knew The Full Story Of What Happened And Saw Things From A Different Perspective While Others Might Still See The Poem For What I Intended It To Be.

Got Me In Shock For A Moment. It's Like Saying That Having Your Arm Chopped Off Is A Good Thing. Then She Said When She Knew My Arm Was Infected With An Incurable Kind Of Infection, Of Course It's A Good Thing To Get It Amputated. But Then, People Aren't Supposed To Know Or Even Care About What Happened To The Arm; That's Beside The Point.

That Was Quite The Relief For Me. But That's Not What's So Immortally Awesome That I Wanted To Share With Y'all. Fuck All Them People Who Think So. And I Think I'm Not Gonna Restrict My Words Anymore If They Fit The Situation.

So What Is So Totally Worthy Of Me Making Such An Exclaimed Exaggeration? This Is:

And This Is Them Separated, In Case Some Of You Can't Tell Which Sound Came From Which Instrument:

Notice Funtwo's Part Is A Little Longer Because It's The Full Canon.

And Yes, It's The Famous One Arranged By JerryC. So For All Of Y'all Who Wanna See The Original By JerryC And/Or Other People Who Are Doing Similar Stuff, Well, Youtube Is Always There.

This Damn Piece Has Got Me Whipping My Head Up, Down And Around Ever Since I First Heard The 2 Instruments Combined. Really Electrified The Blood Out Of My Ears And Brain. It Gave Me A Very High Mood That Made Me Do Really Stupid Things. REALLY Stupid Things. Like Whippin' My Head Around While Cycling To Campus, Whippin' My Head Around While Eating, Whippin' My Head Around While Yelling My Lungs Out And Cycling In The Middle Of The Night, Whippin' My Head Around While Eating And Talking To People, Whippin' My Head Around Instead Of The Hand-Wave To Say "Hi" Or "Bye" And Finally, Whippin' My Head Around Whenever I See Something That Might Potentially Depress Me, Piss Me Off And Everything Along Those Lines. Notice Everything Involves Me Whippin' My Head Around. Yes. I Am THAT Hooked Onto It. Which I'm Actually Damn Fucking Glad I Did Them. Whippin' My Head Around While Doing Everyday Things. Because I Look Forward To Be A Crazy Person For The Next 3 Weeks. Balance Out The Equation For A Bit.

So Yeah. Adieu To Y'all. And It REALLY FEELS DAMN FUCKING GOOD To Be Back!!! IMD!!! HAS RETURNED!!!

Immortal Release

2010-06-23T19:49:00.004+08:00

As I hear the two lovebirds sing,
I know,
The bell of pain within me will ring,
But in doing so I set two souls free,
Myself, and the one bound to me.

With perfect harmony I see them fly,
In perfect unison I watch them soar,
It breaks my heart so much I could die,
But a worthy sacrifice it is,
For one I infinitely adore.

I now hear happiness in the tone,
In the song that you sing, that you've made known.
I sense that your heart is no more alone,
Then atoned I have for sins my own.

With a heavy heart I let you go,
Your ruffled feathers still as white as snow,
Just leave me be here down below,
Let your passionate heart blossom and grow.

If you've chosen the one to take my place,
Then with it goes the right to embrace,
The one of beauty and uncommon grace,
And this shadow will soon be erased.

Spread your wings and fly, my dearest dove,
Soar the skies with your one above,
My purest blessings to you with love,
Rest never again on another glove.

A Break From Immortality

2010-06-23T10:07:00.002+08:00

Heheh. Thought Of Giving This Poetry Streak A Timeout And Just Blabber Whatever Comes To Mind. Because, Some Things Are Just So Pathetic That Writing Them In Poems Would Just Be An Epic Dishonour To Poetry.

To Start Off, Who/What The Fuck Is Flooding Spamlinks As Comments? And They're All In Chinese Characters! Dammit, If You Want The Message To Get Across, And To Me, Put It In English!

And Of Course There Are Things That Are A Little Too Meaningless To Be Made Grand Through Poetry.

Which Is My Sudden Addiction To The Word 'Immortal' Has Gotten Certain Parties To Think That The Poems Before Are In A Series. Well, Maybe They Are, I Myself Have Not Decided On That, But It Was It Ever Intended To Be So. Maybe It Will Be, If I Decide That It Is Indeed Appropriate To Do That.

I Was Sick (And Still A Little Unwell) For The Past 4 Days But Every Night I Think Back And Remember How Trying Was The First 2 Weeks Of The Semester, And I Feel So Strong And Healthy Again. This Really Shows That Nothing Can Screw My Body Up Worse Than My Own Emotions. Heck, I Dare Say Even AIDS Is Inferior To The Havoc That I Can Bring Upon Myself.

And With That Short Report, Adieu To Y'all. And It Still Feels So Damn Good To Be Back.

Immortal Return

2010-06-22T00:46:00.003+08:00

Unwittingly, my plight is known to all,
I hope this does not build a brick wall,
Replacing the volatile air between,
Making things worse,
Than how it has ever been.

But since it has already come to this,
Then you should know my thoughts as it is,
Thoughts that I've never found the right words for,
But now, would not matter anymore.

I know not how you feel right now,
This knowledge to me you would not endow,
So this time let me be the first to share,
What I think of this and how I'd fare.

This is what we need, some personal space,
Our own paths we'll take at our own sweet pace,
I fear I would just do even more,
Actions that will turn things sore,
So a distance I shall keep from thee,
Until it is gone, your fear towards me.

But now, we need not do this anymore,
No more reason to do this for,
In this emotion I no longer dwell,
And so far I think I've done quite well.

The pieces on my side are in place,
Eager I am to close this case,
Passed I have the most trying phase,
All that is left is to clear this haze.

This unfinished business I have ended,
The broken pieces I have mended,
I leave the rest up to you,
For what you do, only you'd have a clue.

Immortal Race - Tribute To Initial D OP, ED & OST

2010-06-19T23:21:00.007+08:00

I Think This Is The One Post That Includes A Regular, Everyday Usage Of Words After 4 Straight Posts Purely In Poem Form. And I Still Don't Actually Confidently Consider Them Poems Because:

Firstly, I Have No Idea How Imaginative, Cryptic Or Indirect The Words Must Be Before It Is Actually Considered A Poem, And Secondly, Because They're All Written Because Of Certain Activating Events In Life, Be It Mine Or Those Around Me, And Because Of That, Involved Parties Would Instantly Know What's Going On Upon Reading, Making It Require Close To Zero Imagination To Comprehend What The Words Mean Or Who/What/Why/When/Where They Refer To.

But Screw All That. I'm Still Not Gonna Place Too High Expectations On Myself Just Yet. Maybe After I Start Publishing Some Books, Then We're Talking Quality.

And By The Way, To All Of Y'all Who Wanna Take Them Off This Page And Claim Them As Your Own, Feel Free To Do So If You Don't Believe In Karma, Because I Know I Don't. After All, You'd Probably Only Get Robbed Of All Your Life's Savings And Get All Your Hard Work Credited To Someone Else In What, The Next Life? The Life After Next? By That Time It Wouldn't Actually Matter, Would It? As Long As You Rob All you Can In This Life, Who Cares About The Next When It Is Debatable From The Start If People Actually Have Next Lives Instead Of Having Their Souls Going Straight To Heaven/Hell? Alright, Maybe Debate Isn't Exactly The Right Word, But Since I Can't Think Of The Best Word To Be Used, This Will Have To Do.

So Yeah, As Mentioned At The Top, This Post Is A Tribute Dedicated To The Artists, Composers etc. Of All The Initial D OP, ED And OST, For Their Songs Kept Me Sane And Alive During What Was Probably The Most Trying 3 Weeks Of My Life. And In Every Verse/Stanza, You'll Find A Reference To One Or More Of The Songs. No Copyright Infringement Here; Only A Tribute.

With the Blazin' Beat we burn through the track,
This burning desire goes off and back,
Our passion lighting up the night,
Our pitch black spirit has come to light.

To all my friends, I say "Let's Go, Come On!"
To all our foes I say "bring it on!"
Beatin', dancin', Can You Feel The Rhythm?
This will be our fighting anthem.

Fly To Me, To The Moon And Back,
With the powerful punch that we pack,
Fly With Me, Far Away From Here,
We'll go Around The World, They'll See Our Fire.

Let us Break In2 The Nite,
Pedal to the metal, let us take flight,
Down the road at the speed of light,
Let others know our unmatched might.

Get ready for the Night Of Fire,
Give in to the burning desire,
Everyday we encounter danger,
Now,
A good friend he is, no longer a stranger.

Show us the limit of what you can take,
The gauntlet thrown down, don't try to fake,
If you think the level is too high,
Then pull out from this Dogfight,
Where Anybody Can Die.

We will speed until the sunrise,
With the Beat Of The Rising Sun,
Finding this no more a surprise,
This danger is how we perceive true fun.

The Race Is Over, Time To Discover,
Life in a brand new day,
The Race Is Over, Now And Forever,
Time to live life Our Way!

Again, Inspired By Initial D OP,ED & OST. Credits Still Go To Their Original Artists, Composers etc.

And Thanks Y'all For All The Positive Feedback. Perhaps This Is A Sign That I'm Back On Track. So Now I Wonder, How Do I Take It A Step Further? Infinite Thanks To The One Who Relighted My Fire. Thanks To You, A Nether Phoenix I Am Forever. There Won't Be A Permanent Stop, While I Strive To Reach The Top.

Adieu To Y'all. It Feels So Good To Be Back.

P.S.: I've Wanted To Say This For A VERY VERY Long Time; Avatar Was A Good Movie. Just Good. Not ZOMGWTFBBQSAUCE ITS SO FUCKING GOOD IT MUST BE THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE OF THE FUCKING 21st CENTURY!!! Plain Exaggeration. And To Those Exaggerators, EAT THESE FINGERS! ..|.. ..|..

Immortal Trust

2010-06-18T01:12:00.002+08:00

Corruption lurks in every corner,
Knowing no boundary nor border,
To stain hearts with uncertainty and doubt,
That leave us no chance to let them out.

Three years ago I succumbed to this taint,
Now freed, but the scars still constraint,
I never thought another would share this fate,
Worst of all,
The purest it chose to desecrate.

I say this to you before it's too late,
Before they go further, stop them at the gate,
I hope that you never see the day,
When you start seeing the world my way;
The pain is too great for any to bear,
And all others it will start to impair.

I dedicate this to you, my valued friend,
It may not be my place to comprehend,
But trust with all your heart, or not at all
In this pit of distrust you should not fall.

Though we live different lives,
To survive everyone strives,
This is merely what my life taught me,
So follow it not entirely,
For maybe fate will treat you differently.

This may sound ironic, coming from me,
I too understand if you disagree,
But I offer whatever help I can,
To root it out where it began,
For you need not go through this,
You deserve to be far away,
From this treacherous abyss.

Immortal Fire

2010-06-17T10:06:00.002+08:00

My greatest fear I've seen come and go,
Crushed I was by the heavy blow,
But surprised I am that I'm still alive,
No logic nor magic could explain,
How did I survive.

Petrified I was but for a moment,
Saved I was by a force so ancient,
Erasing forever, my lust and desire,
Purged clean to a crisp by purest hellfire.

If this is fate's idea of toying with me,
It'll take more than that, I'll have you see,
I hope you have new tricks up your sleeve
Again and again, the same spot you cleave,
Always giving me false hope to believe,
Well this time I challenge you,
Who are you trying to deceive!?
The same pain shan't again make me grieve!
Even I do not stay forever naive,
You have scarred all the hope that I perceive,
My suffering you will no longer weave,
There is nothing more for you to achieve,
So I suggest in peace you leave,
Unless you wish tomorrow,
To be Armageddon's eve.

I'll embody the first Nether Phoenix,
Holy darkness and a cleansing helix,
Of our great image we will depict,
The symbol of eternal conflict.

I will no longer be a mindless thrall,
Never again will I wake up and fall,
I'd rather be hitting a brick wall,
Than to do nothing but squall.

Though this life will start anew,
Ashes of the past I keep them true,
For in the future they will keep me numb,
To similar fates I will not succumb.

Immortal Gratitude

2010-06-15T07:35:00.003+08:00

After surviving my impending doom,
I have finally found some room,
To keep some light alongside darkness,
And this string of life can remain endless.

I thank the kind souls around me,
Their help was to an extreme degree,
A wider perspective I have gained,
The shadows of the fog explained.

Freedom to me they have granted,
The seeds of wisdom they have planted,
May I someday pass this flame,
To another whose needs spell the same name.

In time, all shall be alright,
I've found the hope within the twilight,
This deterioration will be healed,
With fidelity being its strongest shield.

What could be done has been done,
With the future hinting one last move,
From this challenge I shall not run,
Contrive I will and this I shall prove.

What I need is indeed time,
To scale this ultimate climb,
For the only tool I have is this rhyme.
And only there I'll hear the healing chime.

Peace and freedom, symbols you represent,
But I won't know what you truly intent,
Again, destiny weaves its tangled web,
Destroy them I will, and with newer ones,
These flaws shall surely ebb.

This magic has inspired many,
Now comes my turn, with a different gift,
The pride and joy it brought me was plenty,
Spread it I will, like the wings of a swift.

Though the fragile glass has shattered,
Its pieces have not yet scattered,
To put it whole I swear to you,
Mended nicely, as good as new.

Immortal Chaos

2010-06-14T10:48:00.002+08:00

Cursed I am in this chaotic life,
In this chaotic era filled with strife,
My ultimate goal I can never achieve,
But a just reward I will still receive.

Within the darkness that is despair,
There still twinkles little spots of light,
But I wonder how can I fare,
In this already losing fight.

A war of attrition I am fighting,
With tension constantly rising,
But a journey of self-discovery,
Has helped me realize,
The true worth of my pure fidelity.

I shall see 2 years of sunrise,
While blasting the beat of the rising sun,
The beauty within will bring my demise,
As I watch all that I strive for undone.

Fate and destiny have always been cruel,
Only anger and rage they serve to fuel,
How can I trust a being off a book,
When my life away from me it took?

Watch is all I could ever do,
Away from me this white dove flew,
In the hands of my foe it chose to land,
Bringing me agony I could not withstand.

In what we do to claim the bird,
It's only our intention that differed,
If pure intentions are scorned upon,
Then from my heart, let pure evil spawn.

Perhaps in chaos and chance,
There lies Justice's truest lance,
Bias and prejudice nonexistent,
Fairness guaranteed and consistent.

With that, I choose to lose my mind,
Only with that can I stay sound and alive,
The perfect balance my quest to find,
Shall now begin and will contrive.

Immortal Fatality

2010-06-09T07:33:00.002+08:00

The Net Has Returned, But I Have Not.

Yes, People. Ian May Possibly Have A Split Personality Soon, As He Has 2 Different, Observable Sets Of Behaviour. Maybe The Old One Will Fade Away In Time, Maybe The 2 Different Sets Will Merge Into One, Or Maybe They Will Split So Clearly Apart That I'll Be Diagnosed As A Mentally Ill Person.

For The Past 9 Days Watched The Night Sky Slowly Turn Bright From My Window. Fortunately It Was Not The Case Last Night. But Still, Time Seems To Pass Extremely Slowly At The Moment, When I Await The Coming Of Something Extremely Significant, Possibly Changing My Life Forever. The Turning Point That I Know Will Come, And When It Will Come. But The Wait For The Time When It Comes Is A Killer. Enough To Kill Me Before I Decay Away

But At The Same Time, The Level Of Uncertainty Is So High That Some Shit May Just Happen Before That Time That Will Screw Up My Entire Life Eternally. The Extreme Risk Isn't Thrilling, It's Heartbreaking; To Know That Time And Luck Is In Total Control Of Whether I Live Or Die, Whether I'll Be Able To Cling On To Life Or If I'll Really Resort To Becoming A Raging Lunatic Just To Keep Myself From Killing Myself.

And Initially I Thought Of Trying A New Approach To Blogging; To Write Everything In The Form Of Poetry, But With This Kind Of Crap Happening, I Don't Think It Will Go Smoothly. Maybe When This Is All Over, It Can Be Done.

I've Also Discovered Something Very, Very Recently, That I Should've Realized Long Ago:

I now know my true enemy,
Who wants me dead by a deadly degree,
It's now a showdown between you and me,
In the end, your blood is all you'll see!

With That, Adieu To Y'all. If I Survive Beyond My Point Of Salvation, Then Victory Is Mine.

Immortal Remorse

2010-06-05T20:56:00.004+08:00

The Masterpiece Is Now Close To Completion. It Will Be Titled "Immortal Irony" In Conjunction With The Post It Is Inspired From. Unfortunately, However, My Kampar Home's Net Won't Be Back Until At Least Monday Thanks To Today Being A Public Holiday (His Royal Highness' Birthday) And Tomorrow Being A Sunday, So It Shall Not Appear Within These Few Days Even If I Were To Finish It Soon. Good News To Some, Eternally Bad For Me.

So Yeah. Thanks To Facebook I Also Found A Fellow Potential Poet. Keep Them Up Ah Yat. I'll Be Waiting To 'Plagiarize' Your Works Heheh. Just Kidding. But Seriously, Write More. It's Good To Know That I Have Fellow Creative Minds As Pals. Perhaps We Could Even Trade Inspirations. Not Sure How That Works Myself, But, Yeah.

All In All, The First Week Of Year 2 Was Hell On Earth. Severe Depression, Insomnia, And Then Some. And Sorry Mum. Can't Update You On What's Happening Recently Thanks To The Screwed Up Laptop Left At Home. Hope I Can Live Till Next Year, Then You Can Waste More Money On A New One Then You Can See What's Happening Here, Roughly At Least, If Not Clearly.

And Now I Understand First Hand How Depression Affects Appetite. A Plate Of Spaghetti And I Feel Bloated Already. Damn. Maybe It's A Good Thing; Helps Me Cut Down Weight. Heheh. And Life Span/Expectancy. Give And Take. Took Me So Long To Realize That This Is The Basis Of Life. Indeed For Every Action There Is An Equal And Opposite Reaction. And It's Not Limited To Actions. I Now Respect The One That Came Up With The Yin Yang Theory. So True That No Matter How I Wish To Defy It, It Would Never Work Out.

Well... My Time Here Is Limited, Because I Don't Usually Pay This Much Just To Surf The Net. So Yeah.

Until My Net Returns, Adieu To Y'all.

Immortal Injuries

2010-06-02T08:33:00.002+08:00

Both Internal And External. Physical And Emotional. Perhaps Permanent Retirement Is Really The Better Choice In Such A Situation.

Today Is The Day. The Day I Will Be Free From One Of The Many Situations Of Nastiness That I've Brought Upon Myself. The Day That My Social Life Can Run Once Again After Being Halted For What, 2 Weeks?

I'm Not A Good Liar But I Still Wonder Why I Do It So Often. White Lies They May Be, But Sometimes I Ask Myself, Why Can't I Just Be A Little Honest With Myself And Just Accept The Facts. Yesterday's Self Introduction During Life Span Development Was Full Of Shit. Sorry People. No Way On Earth Am I Turning Into An Extroverted Person Anytime Soon. Probably Not Ever Even. What I Said Yesterday, Wishful Thinking At It's Peak. That's Probably A Wish That Will Only Be Granted In, What, Next Life? Life After Next? But Then, What For? The Me In Lives After This Isn't Me Anyway. Why Do I Wish For Myself Something Only To Be Granted To Another?

The Split Personality Part, However, Isn't Totally Untrue. Hell Yeah, The Desire To Talk Crap May Intensify So Badly That My Subconsciousness Might Just Create Another Wild Character That Will Occasionally Take Over This Physical Manifestation Of Myself And Run Amok And Start Insulting People Without Regard To Anything, Kill For The Slightest Dissatisfaction, Jump Off A Building For The Thrill Of It Or Anything Else That Has Occurred In My Head That I've Been Resisting To Do.

And I Also Wonder Is It Really That Hard For People To Be Honest With Me. I'm Constantly Fed This "Being So-And-So Isn't A Bad Thing, It Has It's Own Values," Bull-Fucking-Shit, Probably In The Name Of Caring For My Feelings, Which Makes Me Feel Extremely Miserable, For Myself Because I Need To Be Fed Such Crap, And For The Person Telling It, For Needing To Be So Obviously Dishonest. There, Mr Sivan, Your Theory Disputed; You Can't Be A 'Budak Baik' Telling Only Truths And Care For The Feelings Of Others At The Same Time. Yeah, White Lies They May Be As Well, But When It's SOOOO Obvious That It's A Lie, Does It Not Defeat The Purpose Of Telling It? PLEASE PEOPLE, JUST SPIT IN MY FACE, I CAN TAKE IT!!! DON'T STAB ME IN THE BACK, THAT I CANNOT TAKE!!!

Ah, How I Wish To Retire From Life Now. Now I'll Make A Wish For My Next Life; To Be Born In An Era Where Lies Do Not Exist, Where Truth And Trust Are Absolute. If That Era Will Never Come, Then I Hope That I Shall Never Be Reborn.

With That, Adieu To Y'all. 3 Hours And Counting Down.

(Im)Mortal Irony

2010-05-31T23:04:00.002+08:00

Downloading Ayashi No Ceres To Rewatch The Show After Suddenly Recalling A Very Ironic Line From The Anime Which Roughly Goes Like This:

Aya: "All Humans Need Warmth From Other People..."
Yuhi: "... Then Warm Me Up!"

Really Ironic, That Line Coming From Aya And Directed To Yuhi. Those Who Have Watched The Anime Before Will Understand What I'm Talking About.

And I Think I Will Have A Masterpiece Circling Around This Theme Of Emotional Irony Coming Up Soon. Look Forward To It. XD

With That, Adieu To Y'all.

First Doom On The First Day Of The First Term Of The New Year

2010-05-31T22:11:00.004+08:00

First Day. Well, Nothing Special. Nothing Special As In There Isn't The Big Hoohaa About Coming Back To Uni Life. But What Is Going On However, Is The Atmosphere. Something Eerily Creepy About It. Worst Of All Is The Fact That I Still Have My UTAR Demo To Worry About And Stuff Like This Comes Bugging Me. Go Away And Don't Ever Come Back Please.

And Awkwardness Confirmed. It's Like I'm Being Chased Away For Something I Done. And As Before, No One's Gonna Tell Me What That Is. Yes, I'm A Slow Retard That Isn't Really All That Mature If You're Gonna Measure My Social Age So PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAVE I DONE BEFORE I DO IT AGAIN!!!

That Aside, My Confidence Is Really Going Down The Hill. The One-Inch-Punch All Of A Sudden Feels So Much Harder To Perform. I Don't Know If It's Because Of The Pressure/Responsibility Or The Fatigue After A Long Day, But What I Could Do Easily I Could Not Do Properly Now. Might Really Need Professional Help In Managing Life After All. Mr Sivan Here I Come LOL.

And I Just Realized How For The Whole Of The Past Month I So Look Forward To Seeing Myself In The Obituaries. Ironic, Huh? How Can I See Myself In The Obituaries If I'm IN The Obituaries!? Rotten Food For Thought.

And With That, Adieu To Y'all. Another 12 Agonizing Hours Of Work Awaits Tomorrow.

Insane Over In Sane

2010-05-20T23:31:00.003+08:00

I Just Realized How Much I Need Insanity. It Is What's Keeping Me From Taking My Own Life. In Other Words, Insanity Is What's Keeping Me Sane.

Just Returned From Malacca And Noticed How Much Of A Racist State It Is (Or Once Was). And Of All The Outings With The 19 Gang, This Is Probably The Most 'Priceless' One, Where Most Stuff Happened, From Fatally Serious To Deadly Hilarious.

Well... This Post Is Taking Bloody Long To Complete, Due To The Fact That Upon Returning To KL I Only Have A Day To Rest, And The Next Day I'd Be Traveling Back To Kampar And From That Point On, 6 HOURS OF TRAINING PER DAY, EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' DAY!!!

That Aside,

I'm NO LONGER FREAKIN PROBED EITHER!!!

And After All That Studying All I'm Getting Are Straight Bitches.

Not That I Actually Matters. Because, Well, It Sucks So Much To Be Me That If I Was To Actually Have My Academic Term Terminated, You'd See Me Running Amok In Some Crowded Place With A Dynamite Vest And Several Other Firearms, Bust Some Heads Like Watermelons Before Blowing Myself Up And Appearing In The Headlines Of Newspapers Worldwide As The First Extremist Non-Believer.

And Add All That To 6 Hours Of Sun, Sunburn, Hot Ground, Bubbling Blisters, Unlearning 10 Years Of Habitual Movements And A Bloody Migraine DAILY For A Week, And You'll Know What It Feels Like To Live A Life Like That Of Ian 'IMD!!!' Chee. As I Said Many Times Before, It Sucks To Be Me.

Oh Well, Adieu To Y'all. I'd like to Believe That This Short Breather Was Very Well Utilized.

Bound And Gagged By The Train Tracks

2010-05-16T13:39:00.002+08:00

Well, Well, Well. Remarkably For The Past 2 Days i Slept At 4 a.m. And Woke Up At Noon. Congratulations To Myself For I've Finally Broken My Once Fully Functional Biological Clock. Not That It's A Bad Thing.

Mum Came To Me And Said "Come On, Ian, You Come Back Once In So Long, How About Having Dinner With The Family Instead Of Always Venturing Out On Your Own Or Eating Scraps At Home?" Stunned Me For Quite A Bit, But I Said In Response, "But What For? We Eat Together But It's Always A Silent, Awkward Atmosphere. We Don't Joke, Don't Discuss Life, Heck, We Don't Even Talk, To Say The Least. Spending Time Looking At Food Then Looking At Each Other, Might As Well Not Do It. Seems So Pointless..."

"Well, Your Parents Are Old Already, Don't Know When We're Going Off. So Just Let Us Enjoy A Meal With Our Son. Even If We Don't Have Much To Talk About To Each Other, It's The Company That Counts."

"... If You Put It That Way..."

Sounded So Morbid If I Didn't Hear Tone Of Her Voice I Might've Taken It As An Ultimatum. But That Led To My Family Having A REALLY Late Lunch At Victoria Station. Must've Been A Decade And A Half Since I Last Ate There.

Overall It Was Okay. The Food Was Not As Good As How I Remembered It To Be, But Still Beats Anything Else, Anywhere Else (As In Anywhere I've Eaten Before, Which Isn't That Many Places, Actually).

Well... Eating With The Family Has Never Felt More Awkward. Father Was Smiling Most Of The Time, Barely Complaining (You'd Know Something's VERY Wrong Somewhere If He Doesn't Complain), Barely Even Talking, Because He's Usually The One That Talks The Most Even If He Doesn't Complain. Mum Was Quiet Too, Which Leaves Me Looking At The 2 of Them, Wondering What To Make Of This Situation. I Tried to Say Something, But The Result Of It Told Me That I Should've Just Kept My Mouth Shut. Because Nothing Sucks More Than Making The Situation Worse When You Intended To Remedy It.

Hell. Living Life Seems As Awkward As A Stand Up Comedian With A Very Bad Stutter. Or Going On A Date When You're Not A Talker. Not That I've Ever Went On A Date, But I Assume That To Be The Case.

And It Seems I'll Be Free On The 18th After All. So If Any Of Y'all Have Anything Planned, Just Let Me Know.

Adieu To Y'all. Life Just Got From Bad To Worse By Going From Depressing To Awkward AND Depressing.

Cold, Soggy Fries For Breakfast Ain't Cool

2010-05-14T11:12:00.004+08:00

Been Doing That For More That 1/2 The Week Now, And No Matter How Many Times I Do It, I Just Can't Get Myself To Like It. But Whatever. Fortunately Burgers Don't 'Turn Soggy' The Way Fries Does. Thanks Mum For Getting Me McD For Dinner So Often. XD

And This Week Is TORTURE!!!

This Is The Time In My Life Where I Wished The Holidays Were Either More Packed With Plans And Outings With Friends Or Were No Holidays At All. The Kind Of Time Where I'd Wish I'd Go To School And Attend Classes And Hope There Are No Exams. Because, The Classes Give Me Something To Do, But Comes With Exams Which I Really Would Prefer Not To Have. Give And Take I Suppose. And I Think I'm Beginning To Get Used To Mundane, Monotonous Routine That Repeats Itself So Perfectly That Everyday Feels Like The Same Day. Maybe It's A Sign That I'm Of Age To Work Without Throwing Tantrums About How Repetitive Life Can Be.

But Doesn't Change The Fact That I Don't Wanna Work. Not The Conventional Way At Least. No Way In Existence Will You See Ian Chee Working His Arse Off For Some Monthly Minimum Wage. No Siree. If You Ever See That Happening, Well, Don't Approach Him, 'Cause That Definitely Ain't Ian 'IMD!!!' Chee. Might Be Some Other Dentist Or Consultant From Somewhere But It's Not Me For Certain.

Kind Of Wish I Was Dead. But Then Again I Don't Think I Wanna Die Just Yet Because I'm Falling Down With A Velocity So High That Once I Hit The Trampoline, It'll Send Me To Space. And The Friction With The Atmosphere Will Fry Me To A Crisp. So Yeah, Since I'm Gonna Die Anyway, Might As Well Enjoy The View First. Then I Could Brag About Seeing Damn Corrupted Earth From Heaven's Point Of View Before I Enter It. Literally. Hey, At Least This Isn't Suicide.

Maybe If I Really Die Before I Get Old (Which I REALLY Hope I Do), I Should Donate By Brain To Some Research Center For Studies. Because I'm Very Sure That I'm The Only One In The Whole Wide World Who Feels Homesick AFTER Returning Home. At Kampar I'd Be Like, "Okay, So What If I'm Not At Home? Still Got A Price Tag To Get." But Upon Returning, "Dammit, Why Must I Be At Kampar For 3 LONG Years Just To Graduate With A Price Tag That Only Put's A Label Of How Much I'm Worth To The Economic Society?"

After Some Reflection Last Night, I Realize That, Deep Down Inside, People Want To Be Understood, No Matter How Different People Are Or Can Be. In Other Words, People Don't Want To Be Different With All Their Heart, Because When You're Different, Only People As Different As You Would Understand You. And When You Are THAT Different, The Odds Of Finding Such People Are, Well, Yay Close To Nil, Which Means You'd Probably Be Destined To Be Alone. Yeah, Sure, People Can TRY To Be Empathic But The Best They Can Do Is To Put Themselves In Your Shoes, But They Cannot See The World From Your Eyes. They Can Experience Your Experiences, But They Can Never Interpret The Messages The Way You Do. They May Know Your Life, But Can Never Understand It.

The Same Applies To Me. Yes, I Admit, I Want To be Different, But More Than That, I Want To Be Understood, And When I Think Of It, To A Certain Extent I'd Rather Be Someone Without A Unique Identity, If That Is What It Takes To Be Understood. Because, When No One Can Comprehend My Words, Or See The World The Way I Do, I Feel Despair. I Feel Lonely. I So Badly Want To Share My Thoughts With Someone, With Anyone. To Not Have To Bear The Weight Alone. But When I Realize That The Best Anyone Else Besides Me Can Do It To Know, But Not To Understand, I Also Realize How Hollow Hope Is, And How Real Despair Can Be.

Unless Of Course You Put Ego Into The Equation, Which, I've Got Nothing To Say Regarding That. The Ego Of Humans Are What Made This World The Way It Is Anyway: Divided And Bloodied.

And With That, I Regretfully Apologize To My Mum And Goddad For Forcing Every Detail Of My Life Into Them, Expecting Them To Understand The Way I Feel For The Past Close-To 2 Decades. And To Late Godma. As If You Didn't Already Have Enough Problems Of Your Own To Worry About. And To The Others Who Tried To Understand, Infinite Thanks, I'll Be Forever In Your Debt. But I Must Again Apologize, For Though I Know The Attempts Are Futile, I'm Too Selfish To Ask You To Stop.

Maybe I Don't Like Being Depressed After All. A Whole Week Of Morbid Dreams Of Loneliness, Conflict, Bloodshed And Dying Is A Little Too Much For Me To Bear In Exchange For The Few Moments Of High-Flying Emotions.

Adieu To Y'all. I Too Hope This Morbidity Ends Soon.

Loving Hatred

2010-05-13T17:50:00.003+08:00

This Is Gonna Sound Very Weird And Very Wrong: I Think I'm Enjoying Depression

Why? Because It Makes Me Feel That My Life Is Like A Trampoline; The Harder You Land, The Higher You Fly. And Now I'm Up So High It's Definitely WAAAAYYY~~~ Higher That The Usual Happy Day. The Only Problem With It Is That If The Trampoline Breaks, Then My Body Will Break Too -.-'

And My New Found Drug Has Turned Too Addictive And Expensive To Be Used Often. 375g Of Haagen Dazs Cookies & Cream Costs RM30.99 And 500g Of Manuka Honey Costs Close To RM100. So If I Keep It Up (And Buy Them On My Own Later) I'll Be Broke Real Fast.

And I went Through Yesterday's Paper Because I Saw Something That Wasn't Quite Right. It Seems That There Will Be 'Ip Man 3' Because There's This One Article That Said 'The 3rd Installment Of The Movie' Or Something Like That. Not Sure If It Was A Print Error Or The Reporter Got Stuff Mixed Up, But... Well Whatever.

So Yeah. Adieu To Y'all.

Americans, What Are You Up To...?

2010-05-13T13:21:00.004+08:00

Was Going Through My Hard Disk Recently And This Suddenly Got To Me: Americans Are Damn Good At Making Their Marvel Superheroes Seem More Realistic When They Hit The Big Screen. A Webless Spider From The Comics To A Natural Webspinner In The Live Action, The Multitude Of Specialized, Crapped Up Designs Into A Single, Close To All Purpose Suit And So On.

But While They Boost Their American Superheroes, They Dump The Japanese Ones Into The Sewage System. Look At The Disasterous Excuse Of The Hollywood Dragon Ball And Street Fighter. Really Makes You Wonder If They're Intentionally Screwing The Image Of The East And Starting A Cold War Of The Entertainment Industry.

Forget Hollywood. Even When Japanese Anime Are Imported, They Had To Spoil The Image In The Name Of Americanizing Them. The Digimon And Gundam Series Are Probably The Most Prominent. The Potentially Motivational Lyrics Of The Japanese Digimon Themes Are Replaced With Screwed Up Cheery Songs That Pretty Much Put The Label "No Adults Allowed" On Digimon, While Every Generation Of Gundam Had A Unique Theme To The Music, They Had To Scrap It All, Use The Same Theme Ever Since The First RX-78 Gundam And Worst Of All (This Applies To Every Dubbed Anime), They Get Voice Actors That Are Unable To Relive The Emotion Felt By The In-Story Character. Spoils The Mood, If Anything. The Worst Case Was Probably The Dragon Ball Series' Anime. Even Malaysian Voice Actors Had More Emotion Than The American Dub.

Can't They Just Go Along With Subs? It's Indirectly Encouraging Multilingualism; You Learn A New Language. Unless They, For Reasons Impossible For The General Public To Comprehend, See's The Growth Of Japanese Language As Threat To National Security Or Some Other Cow Dung They'd Come Up With.

And Why Am I Saying This? Because Some Anime Available For Download Do Not Have The Original Japanese Voices And When I Compare To The Pirated DVDs With Chinese Subs That I Can't Fucking Understand, It Made Me Wanna Watch The American Dub On Mute. 'Nuff said.

The 19 Gang Are Finishing Their Exams Today At 4. Wonder If They Have Any Other Plans Besides Watching The Thomas Cup Tonight...

Adieu To Y'all. Enjoy Anime During The Holidays. XD

Witness The Moment YOUR FAILURES PROSPER!!!

2010-05-12T17:54:00.003+08:00

Man I Miss DMC3SE. Totally Crushed My Unrealistic Dream That Game Pirates Were Doing The People Good By Telling The Government That Their Tax Is WAAAAY Off Practicality. Well, Maybe They Are Unwittingly, But After DMC3SE It's Clear That It Was Never Their Intention.

All Of A Sudden I Remember What Ms Geraldine Told Us About People Who Are Different. Not All Of Them Are Really Different, But They Just Want That Extra Attention. It's Kinda Like The Reality Behind The 'Great Minds Think Alike' Bullshit. Still Remember The Example She Gave; Some Kid Hated Harry Potter Just Purely Because Almost Everyone Else Liked It. And When He Found Someone As Attention Seeking As He Is He Just Goes "Oh, You Too?" And Then The 2 Idiotas Jump For Joy And With Perfect Unison, Chant Out The Phrase I Just Quoted Above. Okay The Last Part I Made It Up. But The Fact Remains That Some People Want To Be Different When They Are Not. And These Kinds Of People, Deep Down Inside, Don't Want To Be THAT Different After All.

What About Me? Well, I've Yet To Encounter Someone Who Sees The World The Way I Do, So I Don't Really Know If I'd End Up Doing The U2 Dance So Yeah, It Remains To Be Seen.

Right. Why The Dark Title? It's Part Of The Lyrics Of Devil May Cry 3's 1st Battle Theme. Which Reminds Me Of One Question I Don't Think Will Ever Be Answered. Not Without Frustrating Me With The Lack Of Logic Behind The Reason, At Least.

And The Question Is: WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO TO A CRAPPY DARK, AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM TO SHARE SALIVA STAINED MICS WITH THEIR FRIENDS AS THEY YELL THEIR LUNGS OUT WITH THEIR OUT-OF-KEY VOICES!?

The Only Explanation I Can Think Of Is That They Do That Solely For The Sake Of Being There During The Priceless Moment Where The Friend(s) Make A Fool Of Themselves. And I Honestly Respect These People. To An Extent. Because They Can Bring Themselves To Do Something I Could Never Do, And That Is To See Only On The Bright Side And Totally Disregard The Other, In This Case, To Only Know That Their Friends Made A Fun Of Themselves And That Gives You The Chance To Laugh Till Your Jaws Remain Permanently Open, While Ignoring The Fact That Their Mouths Can't Close Either When You Go A Few Octaves Too High When You Hit Them High Notes.

I Would Personally Do It At Home. If You So Love To Sing, You Only Need To Shut The Windows And Doors Tight And You Can Be The One Singing For However Long You Want, Don't Have To Take Turns, No One's Gonna Laugh At You, And Best Of All, YOU DON'T PAY A SINGLE CENT!

I Don't Really Know About Them, But As Far As I Know, People Are Laughing AT You, And Not WITH You, When You're Being Stupid.

Maybe That's What Got Me So Depressed For Almost 2 Full Decades. Goodness, The Burden Of Knowledge. Maybe Ignorance Really IS Bliss, After All.

So Today's The Last Day Of Exams For My Fellow Friends Taking Cultural. Which I Quite Like Personally, Given That It's Quite The Way To Oppose The Federal Constitution's Thing About Not Letting People Preach Religion In Public Save Islam. And Though I Say Opposing, It's Still Very Much Within Whatever's Set Because, Well, It's Not Exactly Public After All.

That Aside, Happy Holidays To Said Friends Of Mine. Maybe You'd Even See Me In The Newspapers For Being A Total Loony Before The Next Sem Begins. Because I Know I Plan To Do Some Crazy Stuff. Happens Every Time I Get Depressed. Because The Motto Of The Period Is (To) 'Live Life Dangerously, Because That's What It Means To Be Alive'.

That Said, I'm Taking The First Meal Of The Day At 7p.m. And It's Pure Coincidence That I Woke Up 12 Hours Before That. And Speaking Of 12, I Fell Asleep At 12 Midnight. Something I Thought Won't Actually Be Possible For Quite A While.

So Before I Go, Here's A Line From GTA San Andreas That Changed My Life Forever. Well, Sort Of.

"You're All The Same. Fuck This, Fuck That. Well, Fuck You!"

Adieu To Y'all. Once Again, With The Purest Of Sincerity From This Dark Heart, Happy Holidays.

Ian Must Die AGAIN!!! FOR HE NOW CRAVES MORE BLOOD!!!

2010-05-11T22:37:00.005+08:00

HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!~~~

Phew. Damn Was Today A Really Good Day. I Now Find It Undeniable That It Is Indeed In Solitude That We Are Least Alone. A Solo Hero Going Lone Ranger On A Quest Of Self Rediscovery. Sounds Like Some Adventure Themed Light Novel, Doesn't It? But Hell No, What Happened Today Isn't Really Enough For Anything Publishable For That Matter. Why? Because It's So~~~ Abstract No Metaphor Can Describe It. Comparing The Me Today To A Phoenix Rising From The Ashes Is An Understatement.

Perhaps I Was Meant To Live A Life Of Solitude After All... Hmm... Should Go Isolate Myself in Taman Negara After Graduating, See If I Can't Beat The Record Of That Indian Guy Who Supposedly Meditated For 70 Years Straight Without Food.

So What The 4Stars Did I Do Today? Well... The Day Started Off Pretty Bad. Don't Exactly Remember What Time I Slept But I'm Sure It's Past 2am. Probably Close To 3 Even. Maybe It Was Past 3. Whatever The Time I Slept, The Spring Of My Biological Alarm Clock Had To Trip At 5.30. So Yeah. Despair. So From My Bed I Looked Out The Window And Watched As The Day Slowly Got Brighter. Then From The Horizon That Is The Roof Of The House Opposite Mine I See The Sun Rising. Priceless View. Would've Been Better If Those Houses Were Mountains.

So I Had My Breakfast Of An Apple And Some Durians That Were Left In The Fridge. At About 10. Before That I Think At Some Point I Got Tired Of Looking At The Yet-To-Glare Sun I Made My Room As Soundproof As Possible, Blasted My Speakers At Max Volume And Yelled My Lungs Out For 2 Straight Hours. Or More. I Forgot. Never Realized That Was Such An Effective Release. Add Some Cracks On My Wall (And Some Bruises On My Knuckles And Feet) And Damn That Felt So Good I Could Get Addicted To It.

And For My Morning Dessert (I Know, I Can Be REALLY Sick At Times. Most Of The Time, In Fact) I Discovered The Ultimate Blessing That Is Cookies & Cream + Cold, Solid Manuka Honey Hybrid. Almost Got Drunk The Moment The First Spoonful Touched My Tongue. An Indescribable Taste.

Then An Early Lunch With Goddad. And I'll Remember Not To Take Meat Whenever I Go To That Bloody Place To Eat. Bloody Piece Of Fish Costed A Whooping 5 Bucks. And Thats A SINGLE PIECE! The Price Of A Light Lunch With Only 2 Dishes Was That Of A Heavy, 5 Dished Meal. Shocker Of The Day, That Was.

Went All The Way To Wangsa Maju To Catch 2 Movies With The Number 2 In Them: Ip Man 2 And Ironman 2. The 20 Minute Walk From The LRT Station To Wangsa Walk Was Like A Self Discovery Journey, Like I Realized A Lost Part Of Myself. Sounds Dramatic, Yeah, But If You Were Me, You'd Understand How That Was Really Such A Dramatic Experience.

Something Caught My Eye Though When I Reached The Cinema: Russell Crowe As Robin Hood. And I Was Like... "なんだと？イメージがちがうだよ"　(What? That's Like A Wrong Image...)

But Whatever. Ip Man 2 And Iron Man 2 Were Really Worth Going Through The Trouble To Watch. Overall I'd Say Ip Man Had A Better Story. Iron Man's Story For The 1st 1/2 Kinda Sucked, Actually. But I Think The Action Near The End Makes Up For It. Awesome Stuff. But They Nerfed/Detuned War-Machine To Keep Iron Man In The Spotlight.

The Time Spent Before And Between Movies? Popular Bookstore lol. Kinda Glad I Took Up That Issue Of Top Gear And Flipped Through It. At Least Now I Know That Getting A Peugeot Is As Bad An Idea As To Buy Malaysian Or Korean Cars. Or So Says Jeremy Clarkson At Least. And That The Great Porsche Carrera GT Now Has A Successor. AND That Porsche, Bugatti And Lamborghini Are All Under Volkswagen.

And Yeah. I Saw Nothing Interesting To Eat At Wangsa Walk So I Decided To Just Starve Myself Until I Got Back Home For Dinner Coz Mum Got Me McD. Heheh.

And One Thing About This Whole Depression And Self Discovery Nonsense Is That I Lost 1kg Per Episode. Each. So If I Was Ironic Enough I'd Wish For Another Exam Soon So That There'd Be This Risk Of Being Depressed Again And Then I Could Go For Another Self-Rediscovery Journey To Lose A Total Of Another 2 Kilos. Repeat The Cycle 5 Times And I'd Achieve My Ideal Weight. IF And Only IF I Was That Ironic. But I'm Not, So Yeah, I Guess I Can Be Grateful With 2kgs Off The Body.

Damn Was I Tired On The Way Back Home But Now... Gah. This Clock Inside This Head Really Needs To Be Retuned.

Adieu To Y'all. Dear Neighbours Please Don't Call The Police If I Was Bothering You. Because, Like They Say In Japan, 受験生だから、しかたない。(Since He/She's An Examinee, It Can't Be Helped) Quoted From Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei.

P.S.: Infinite Thanks To Si Panjang a.k.a. Shangee For Guiding Me From Wangsa Maju LRT To Wangsa Walk.

It's Not My Fault?

2010-05-11T01:36:00.004+08:00

This May Be A Little Too Late To Make Any Mention Of This, But I Think I'll Just Say It Anyway, Coz I'd Personally Think It's Better Than Never.

So Yeah. First Off. To All Aspiring Parents. NEVER ROB YOUR CHILD OF THEIR FREE WILL! Who Am I To Say This Huh? Well, Let's Just Say That I Was A Child Who Was Robbed Of My Free Will And Am Now Suffering For It. What Was Robbed And What Did I Lose In Return? There's A Whole Load Of Equations That I'd Come Up With. And Believe Me They Are True.

Imprisoning Your Child At Home a.k.a. Not Taking Them Out Often Enough Or Letting Them Try New Things
=
Limits His Experience, Interests And Points Of View. Literally A Toad In A Well.

Not Allowing Them The Chance To Go To Friends' Places To Play (When They're Young) Or To Just Talk Crap (As Teenagers)
=
Limits Their Interpersonal Skills a.k.a You'd Give Them A Talking Complex.

Secondly, Never Give Them A Nice Screwing When They Come To You To Talk About Personal Stuff. Especially If They're The Only Living Child. And If The Child Had An Elder Sibling That Passed Away Before The Birth Of The Current One, DON'T IMPOSE VALUES! ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT THE PREVIOUS CHILD HAD OR THAT YOU EXPECTED YOUR PREVIOUS CHILD TO HAVE!

Thirdly, Keep Promises You Made. The Worst Possible Thing That Can Happen To A Child Is To Lose Trust In The Parents.Here's A Scenario Based On A True Story To Illustrate Numbers 2 And 3:

Suppose Your Child Isn't Exceptionally Talented Academically. He Happens To Want, Say, A LEGO Set That's Relatively Expensive (Let's Give It A Relative Figure Of Roughly RM200), And In Response The Father Says "Why Should I Buy It For You? You're Not Doing As Well As You're Supposed To Do In Your Studies. So How Do You Deserve That?" The Child Begs The Father And Promises He'd Do Better In The Coming Exam If He Gets It. The Father Relents, Telling The Child "If You Can Get Make It To The Top 5, I'll Buy It For You." So The Child Works Hard In His Studies And Gets First Place Not Only In Class, But The Whole Grade, Which Is Way Beyond The Initial Expectation. In Anticipation The Child Pesters The Father Again Over The Made Promise And As A Result, The Father Buys A LEGO Set Worth RM20 And Tells The Child "Economy Not Doing Well."

First Of All, The Only Thing A Child Is Going To Know About Economy Is The Size Of His Reward, Comparing Between What Was Promised To Him And What He Actually Got. Second, He's Not ever Gonna Believe Whatever His Father Says Anymore. Third, In Losing Trust, He's Not Gonna talk With Him Whenever He Doesn't Need To, Which Will Make Things Worse.

So In Conclusion, You'd Only Wanna Exercise Extreme Control Up Until They Finish Primary School. Drag It On To Secondary And, Well... The Child Will End Up A Dysfunctional Brat Like Me Who Might Seem Promising Behind The Monitor Screen But When You Meet The Person IN Person, You Get Disappointed, So He Ends Up Not Making That Many Friends Because Of His Warped Personality And Terrible Social Skills And That The Few Friends That He Actually Makes Might End Up Hurting Him Badly Because They Can't Take The Fact That They've Been Calling Such A Degenerate A Friend And So They Decide To End It. Not Forgetting The Fact That Since They've Rarely Been Given The Chance To Interact With Others They Don't Often Find People That Make A Great Impact In Their Life And When They Decide There Are Such People, They Accidentally Scared The Crap Out Of Whoever Their Gratitude Was Intended Towards Because It's So Rare That They Do Stuff Like That, When They Suddenly Do Others Think That They Have Other Sinister Ulterior Motives Or Something. So Yeah.

Now's The The Time, More Than Ever, I'd Wish Someone Would Give Me 1o "It's Not Your Fault"s And Actually Make My Tears Flow. It's So Painful To Not Be Able To Cry When You're Feeling So Badly Depressed.

So Yeah, Adieu To Y'all. Parents, Remember Not To Screw Up Your Child's Life. You Can't Imagine The Suffering You'll Be Putting Them Through.

Ian Has Died. Again.

2010-05-10T19:36:00.004+08:00

Exams Are Over And I'm Now Home.

But Severe Depression Is Taking Over Me When I Should Be Overjoyed.

Upon Reflection I Realized I Have Been A Fool,
I Was Nothing But A Tool,
Of Someone I Trusted.
I Was Made To Test The Waters In The Person's Place And While The Crocs Are Onto Me The Person Rushes Forward To Claim The Prize.
Without Any Regard To What Will Happen To Me.

And To Think That I Was Made To Believe That The Prize Was Mine To Claim... I Doubt I Can Ever Forgive Myself For Being Such A Fool.

Worse Still, I Tested The Waters So Long Ago And Only After I've Been Fully Digested By The Crocs Has The Person Went For It. And Only After It's Too Late That I Realized What Was Going On.

No Way Is This Gonna Be Just Water Under The Bridge. My Despair Has Never Been Greater.

And The Sucky Thing About Taking Psychology Is That You Know The Causes Of Depression You Think You Can Avoid It But End Up Being Depressed Anyway. So That's Double The Depression For Me. Oh Yeah, It REALLY DOES Suck To Be Me.

Adieu To Y'all. 19 And TB1 I Need A Dose Of Y'all!!!

The Last Battle Of The War

2010-05-08T00:03:00.002+08:00

Yeah. The Last Paper Is 14 Hours Away.

Just Wanted To Say That There's Finally A Guy Who's Actually Pronouncing English Properly In Response To The So-Called 'Ms Ruby' Or Whatever. But That's Not Exactly The Point. What The Point IS, However, Is The Fact That This Guy Can Speak. And I've Been Waiting For Someone Like Him To Do A Proper Response. Not Like Some Wannabes.

Oh Well... One Thing I'd Like To Try During This Coming Short Break Is Maybe To Be A Little Chattier.

Until Then, Adieu To Y'all.

Spiced Up Death

2010-05-05T20:44:00.002+08:00

In Case Y'all Haven't Noticed, Exams Turn Me Into A Very Morbid Person. Especially So When You Have A Subject Like 'Pengajian Malaysia', Which Is An 'Upgraded For Higher Education' Version Of History. Worth Noting That The Past Killed Me Enough Times For Me To Hate It More Than A Sucky Future.

Proves That Some Invigilators Are Really Either Sleeping On The Job, Or Are Utter Morons. Hell, I Bet A Brainless Stag Beetle Is Smarter Than They Are Sometimes. Why? Because:

"Do Not Tear Any Paper From The Answer Booklet Unless Otherwise Instructed," Reads Fool From Laminated Script.

HELLO~~~ In Case You Haven't Noticed, It's 'Pengajian Malaysia' Where The Bloody Answer Sheet Is A Singe Piece Of Paper! At Least Notice This One Major Detail Before Going Autopilot, Man.

Unless That Was A Robot Up There Holding A Mike With The Script As The Only Pre-Programmed Dialogue It Is Capable Of. Then It Makes You Wonder What Was The Use Of Holding The Script.

And Bad News For You, Le-Anne Teo, Our UTAR Library's 3rd Floor Has Been Used To Hold Exams. Which Reminds Me Of Something Else:

"Please Do Not Leave The Exam Hall During The First And Last 30 Minutes," Continues Fool.

WAKE UP, YO! 'Tis Not Even A Hall. More Like A Hallway Here Where You Reach The Top Of The Stairs And There's No Door For You To Open And Voila, There's Your Seat For The Exam.

From This I Conclude That UTAR Doesn't Mind Hiring Very Interesting People; Down Syndromes And Language Retards Who Have Obviously Suffered From Fatal And Permanent Head Damage.

So Yeah, 2 More Papers. And With That, Let Me Lie Down In My Coffin While Some One Else Hammers The Nails In And Cements It Shut.

Until I Rise Again, Adieu To Y'all.

Back On The Net

2010-05-04T22:07:00.002+08:00

To All Of Y'all Who Don't Already Know, Yes, My Kampar Home's Net's Been Busted For The Past 4 Days. I Know, I Know, It's The Exam Week And All, But Still, 4 Days Without The Net Is A Real Torture.

That's Right People. We Live In An Age Where The Internet Is As Important As Your Bank Account. Either Screws Up, And You Bet There's Gonna Be Some Anxiety In Life. Especially So Nowadays For University Students Where Our Coursework Marks Are Posted Online And The Traditional 'Check The Notice Board' Trend Slowly Phases Out (Not That I Check Them Anyway, Regardless Of Where They're Posted).

And What Can Be Worse That 2 Subjects That Require Memorizing Being Put One Day After The Next? Nothing Much Besides being Put On The Same Day I Guess... Which Is Pretty Much Our Current Situation. Fortunately For Us The University Time Table Setters Aren't That Eager For Blood And Gore In Campus.

I Think That Concludes The Past 4 Days Of Inactivity And Most Of The Coming 2 Days.

So Until Next Time, Adieu To Y'all.

Futile Effort

2010-04-30T10:00:00.002+08:00

Thinking Back, I've Never Put So Much Effort Into Studying Before An Exam Since PMR. But Now I Wonder Am I Really Studying Purely For The Sake Of Scoring Well In An Exam? Or Am I Doing This Because There Is Something That I Will Gain From Scoring Well?

That Aside, Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Involved In The Drama Of Others. It's Like, I'm Doing This To Spice Up The Experience Of Others.

Yesterday Night Was A Horrid Night For Me. And Suddenly This Need For Inner Reflection Struck Me Like Lighting To A Lightning Rod.

Adieu To Y'all. I Shall Sink Into The Darkness Of My Own Soul Until I Know What The Hell I'm Really Doing.

Self-Obsessive Bastards Of Facebook

2010-04-28T15:48:00.005+08:00

I Remember There Was Once A Video By A Girl From Hong Kong Complaining About How Bad The English Is There. And Boy Had She The GUTS To Post Such A Video, Because Her English Isn't Exactly Doing Herself Much Justice. I Wonder If There Are Other People Besides The Uploader Who Actually Watched The Vid Until The Very End, Because, Frankly, The Moment She Said She Was Gonna Talk In English I Was Like "Oh My Goodness, NO, THE ACCECNT!" And She Went On And On, Thinking That By Having An Accent It Justifies Her Horrible Command OF The Language. Utter Disgrace, I'd Say.

Then Comes This Next Guy (And I'm Guessing He's A Fellow Malaysian) Who Can't Seem To Take It And Posted A Video Himself, Correcting Her Flaws. At First I Thought "Okay, If He Dared Do This, He Might Just Do The Language Some Honour" But Again I Was Left Dissatisfied, Proven Wrong Again Like An Expired Cake Straight To The Face.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING SHITTY HELL, MAN!!! IF Y'ALL DON'T FUCKING HAVE A FUCKING GOOD COMMAND OF THE LANGUAGE (English Or Any Other) THEN DON'T FUCKING POST THE VIDEO WHERE EVERYONE CAN FUCKING WATCH, BECAUSE THEY'D SURELY DECIDE TO JOIN ME AND PISS AND CRAP ON YOUR FACE AFTER SEEING WHAT A FUCKING WANNABE YOU FUCKING ARE!!!

Know Your Place People, Please. You Don't Want A Real Native Speaker Badmouthing The Whole Country Because Of A Single Wannabe. So Before They Decide To Step In And Put Us In Our Place, It's Probably Better That Someone Local Does It First.

Phew. After All That Cramming Of 'Information And How It Is Processed' Into My Poor Brain, I Figured This Was A Golden Opportunity To Let Off Some Steam. Damn Cognitive Psychology For Giving Me An Entire Night Of Headache.

Now That I'm Calm And Cool, Time To Continue 'Studying'. Which Reminds Me:

Studying = Student + Dying

I Take No Credit For This Equation. Just Sharing Something Interesting I Saw.

Until Next Time, Adieu To Y'all

Stifled

2010-04-25T21:42:00.003+08:00

Heat Is, Ugh... I Step Into The Shower Without The Heater On And I Get Close To Boiling Water On Me. I Then Step Out Without Drying My Body, Putting On Only My Dangerously Loose Shorts And Turn The Fans To The Highest Possible Speed, And To My Dismay, The Water Does Not Get Evaporated Quickly Enough And Was Mixed With Sweat.

Seriously. Some Innovator From This Country Should Really Come Up With A Water Cooler To Be Integrated Into The Shower's Heater. Or I'd Be Steamed Like Char Siew Buns Every Time I Step Into The Bathroom Hoping To Cool Myself.

And I've Just Discovered Something Amazing From Pizza Hut. Extra Cheese On A Pizza Is Like Increasing The Filling Effect Of The Food By At Least 50%. Tried It Last Thursday With The PY Bunch, And 3 Slices Of It Lasted 8 Whole Hours. That's Right, 3 Slices For 8 Hours. 1/2 The Usual Amount For Twice The Usual Duration. Creepy Stuff...

There's More To Say, But, Again I'll Blame The Heat For Vapourizing Everything Away.

So Yeah, Until Next Time, Adieu To Y'all.

Ian Chee And Philosophy

2010-04-21T10:08:00.002+08:00

I Think I Just Said Something Smart A While Back. Which Was, To All Of Y'all Who, Unlike Me, Believe In Destiny:

Let The Threads Of Destiny Weave It's Own Path. Your Questions Will Be Answered Soon Enough.

Sounds Cheap But Something About It Kinda Resonates With Me. Aside From The Fact That I Came Up With It Of Course.

Much Has Happened Since The Last Post But You Must Forgive My Slothfulness, For I've Not Really Been Myself Too Lately. I Say Things I Never Usually Say And Do Things I Never Usually Do. Which Sucks. And Have Realized That I Am Now In A Very Unique Dilemma. Strictly Unique To Me, This I Can Confidently Say.

PC Fair Was Okay. Deborah Got Her New Lappy And Maggie Got Extra Business Thanks To That. I Myself Got A Razer Dog-Tag And Wristband. Don't Know If It Was Really Worth The Wait, For I've Been Rotting IN KLCC For Close To 7 Hours Just For That.

The 'Job Fair' At Midvalley Was Not What I Expected In A Way. What Was Expected, And Was True On That Day, However Was That Many Of The Major Companies Either Don't take Interns Or Don't Take In Psychology Degree Holders.

And The Day Before Yesterday Was The Worst Incident Of Insomnia That Ever Happened To Me In Kampar History. Well, What More Can I Say, Given The Dilemma That Precedes It?

Adieu To Y'all. Today UTAR Makes Us Fight To The Death For The Sake Of Getting Bloody Timetables.

In Uncertainty

2010-04-15T23:18:00.006+08:00

I Am So Gonna Be A Bad Boss. Because When Things Don't Go As Planned Due To Unforseen Circumstances, I End Up Going On A Random Headhunt. And I Don't Pick Victims If That Happens.

First Off:
FUCK #*@% KTMB For 'Not Running On Weekends'!!! What The Fuck!? What Kind Of Moronic Excuse Is That!? And You're Supposed To Be Public Transport? Is It Really That Much Harder To Drive A Train Than A Bus? I Swear If There Was Enough Space For A Third Car Back Home I'd Give Mom's New Myvi The Greenlight. No Wonder Malaysians Choose To Pollute. Because Fucking Public Transport Is Neither Efficient Nor Convenient Enough.

Fine. So You Have Staff That's Being A Lazy Red-Arsed Baboon That Told Me That. Then What? You Keep That Kind Of Arse And Not Think Of Firing Or DEEP FRYING His Sorry Arse!?

Secondly:
My Sincerest Condolences To Benjamin And Deborah Because The Former's Hostel Roof Was Blown Off My Strong Winds, Flooding His Entire Room (Including Laptop) While The Latter's Laptop Died For No Apparent Reason. I'd Join You Both In Getting A Brand New, Powerful ASUS, But My Current Acer's Barely A Year Old, So Unless It Went KABLOOM With Smokes, I Won't Likely Be Replacing It At Least Until Industrial Training.

Thirdly:
Oh Finals. Here You Are Again. So What You Want This Time, Huh? My Head? Wasn't My Neck Enough? I'm Barely Alive Now.

Oh Well, An Equivalent To FML That I've Come To Really Like: Sucks To Be Me. Hell, It Sucks To Be Anyone Except Your Dream Self. My Dream Self. And My Dream Self Isn't Mortal. Then Again, Who'd Dream Of Being A Mere Mortal?

Adieu To Y'all. Much Rushing To The Surface, Much More To Dig And Expose.

Meant To Be Forgotten

2010-04-14T13:21:00.003+08:00

Yes. Some Memories Are Meant To Be Forgotten.

In Saying That, I've Thrown My Past Away. My Life Began When I Was 18. The 17 Yeas Before Don't Exist Within My Memory. Why? Because A Rotten Fish Has Plagued The Entire Pond.

I'm Thankful That The Sweet And Memorable Bits And Pieces Are Coming Back, But As I Said, Some Memories Are Meant To Be Forgotten, For Remembering Them Only Brings Bitterness To An Already Harsh Life. Something I Can Definitely Do Without, And Without A Doubt I Want To Be Without.

I'm Glad To A Extent That Some Of These Bitter Memories Stopped Trying To Get Back To Me, But Sometimes I Wonder, Would It Be Better To Remain Cautious And Risk Paranoia, Or Would It Be Better To Simply Forgive And Risk Repeating The Same Mistake A Second Time?

And As Usual, When I Need To Decide, I'll Just Simply Decide To Put It Off For Later.

Adieu To Y'all. Such Is The Complexity Of The Most Overrated Being In Existence.

Again 1/2 Past Dead.

2010-04-09T08:44:00.002+08:00

Well, As Mentioned, The 19 Gang Came To My Kampar Home. So That's Why, People, If You're Wondering Where The Heck I've Been The Whole Of Thursday And Why I Turn Down Your Gaming Offers.

Having Them Here Is Always A Blast, No Matter What The Reason. So Happens That The Reason They're Here Is To Celebrate Siew Wan's Birthday. A One Day Affair, And Almost Tradition, That Her Birthday Is Always The Most Extreme One.

Speaking Of Her, Well, The Name Alone Is Almost Taboo To Me Already But Since She's Getting The Fuck Out Of 53 Soon, Let Me Just Review My Life Experience With Such A Person Around Me.

So What's It Like To Be An Unhealthily Realistic Person And To Have An Obnoxiously Narcissistic Person In Your Life? God, The Torment. Not To Mention 'Hard Necked' And Loud. And I Mean FREAKIN LOUD! If It Weren't For The Way She Walks You'd Wonder If She's Had A Boy's Upbringing.

Though My Main Problem With Such A Person Is That Being Someone That Has Lived A Year With You In An 'Almost Like Family' Environment, She Is One Person That Would Have You Advice, Nag, Scold etc. Her Infinite Times For All The Silly (And Potentially Dangerous) Things She Does And She Wouldn't Listen, But Have A Total Nobody Tell Her The Same Thing And She Learns Instantly. Don't Know If There's A Specific Term For This Behavioural Disorder, But This Severely Aggravating Attitude/Habit/Behaviour Really Crossed My Limits. Which Is Why We're Officially In A Cold War For The Past 2 Semesters. And Since Now That She's Gonna Move Out Soon, I'd Say: Good Riddance. It Was An Experience. May Our Paths Never Cross Again.

Not That I Hate Her Or Anything, Just That She's Denser Than Most People, Which Makes Communicating A Challenge.

Adieu To Y'all. As Promised, Zombie IMD Will Show Up Today.

Break From The Curse

2010-04-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

And My Shoulders In The Process.

2 Years Of Not Rolling On The Basketball Court Is Really Something That Shouldn't Have Happened. Now That We Are Actually Learning To Roll In TKD, I'm Quite Sure I Bruised My Shoulders And That They'll Hurt Like Hell Tomorrow.

And Yes, Again The Weather's Being Very Fickle, But Thanks To Some Urgent Matters That Needed To Be Discussed During Training, We Could Stay Back While Waiting For The Rain To Stop, Or It Would've Been The 4th Consecutive Week I Ride Back Home In The Rain Otherwise.

Not Much Else To Update, Besides The Fact That Assassin's Creed II PWNS!!!

Adieu To Y'all. Y'all Will Be Seeing Zombie IMD Tomorrow.

Intentionally Underrated

2010-04-04T23:34:00.003+08:00

Something Got Over Me Today And I Ended Up Spending Most Of The Day Watching 'Human Weapon' And Learned Much. About How Taekwondo Originated, How Karate Is Not A Japanese Art But Okinawan Art, And Most Fascinatingly, How Silat Gayung Is Actually SO MUCH Deadlier Than How It Looked In Secondary School. Back Then It Looked Like They Were Acting More Than Real Fighting.

But I Guess I Understand Why. Since Silat Is All About Killing The Opponent Before He Kills You, And We Don't Want School Kids Getting Emotional And Killing Their Schoolmates Over Trivial Matters.

One Thing I Learned From Watching Human Weapon Is, While Muay Thai Makes The Entire Body A Weapon, Taekwondo Focuses On Making The Most Lethal Body Part Even More Murderous. Thus, The Top 2 Most Powerful Blows Come From Muay Thai And Taekwondo's Kicks.

I Also Learned That Taekwondo Originated From Taekkyon And Hwoarangdo, The Less Sporty, Pure Self Defence/Killer Versions Of The Art, Dubbed The 'Violent History' Of Modern Sporting Taekwondo.

Was A Pretty Cool Day, Save The Fact That Deborah Is Now Spreading The Annoying Trend That Is The Annoying Orange, Something I Thought Would Never Happen Before Armageddon, Which Won't Happen. Not While I Live At Least.

Adieu To Y'all. Last Presentation Tomorrow Before I Go Wild For A Moment.

Talk Of The Heart

2010-03-29T15:35:00.002+08:00

It Just Occurred To Me That Humans Can Be Such Bizarre Creatures. Something As Beautiful As Friendship Can Be Utterly Annihilated By Something As Simple As Mood Swings.

And True Enough, Such Moods Cloud Their Judgments And Make Idiots Out Of Themselves. I Must Admit, I Have Been Such An Idiot, But Never To The Extent To Allow It To Break Off My Friendship. So All I Can Offer Is My Condolences, If It Even Means Anything, Considering The Situation You're In. I'm Sorry.

And How Hideously Contagious Such Moods Can Be. Indeed, Such Incidents Would Question Charles Darwin's Theory That Every Thing Passed Down Through Evolution Is Beneficial For Mankind.

Speaking Of Darwin, There's This Thing Going Around That His Theory Has Been Scientifically Disproved. I Did My Own Surfing And, Indeed, Saw Evidence That Does Disprove It, But Also Found Evidence That Brushes Those So-Called Evidence Aside As 'Arguments Of Ignorance' And The Like By Putting Forth More Evidence That Supports Evolution And Points Out How The Disprover Failed To Link Their Evidence With The Theory Itself. Awesome Stuff, But In The End It's Just The Squabble Of Humans That May Have Little Or No Impact In My Life.

Adieu To Y'all. That's One Food For Thought Though.

Earth Hour Of 2012

2010-03-27T22:24:00.003+08:00

This Year's Earth Hour Has Been A Hilarious One For Me. The Irony Of It Is Simply Priceless.

Firstly, What I Saw Was A Vast Majority Of The West Lake Population Camping By The Lake While The Rest Were Either Squatting Outside Their Homes, Had Candlelight Gatherings At Basketball Courts Or Cycling Around Aimlessly In Groups.

What Was Ironic Was That The People At The Lake Turned Off Their Lights And Cramped Themselves Near Streetlights And The Candlelight People Were Turning Off Lights But BURNING Candles. Defeats The Purpose, No? Using A More Energy Inefficient Source Of Light That Releases More Heat In The Name Of What, Cooling The Earth They Say?

That's Not Where It Ends. Things Just Got Spiced Up With The 'News' That TNB Is Gonna Sue WWF For Organizing Earth Hour For Making Them Lose Revenue. Joke Of The Month I Say. Of Course It Isn't True, People. But Let's Laugh At All The Things That Tickled Our Funnybone Today In The Name Of Earth Hour.

And Yes, I'm Home Alone For The First Time In Kampar And I Must Say, Like Previous Experiences It Is Really No Fun At All.

Adieu To Y'all. Something Isn't Right About The Inactivity Though...

P.S.: Sometimes I Wonder If People Even Understand What The Hell They Are Doing. Or Rather, If They Understand The Reason Of What The Hell They Are Doing. In This Case, If They Understand What Earth Hour Is Trying To Achieve Before Participating.

Life Is... Well, Life!

2010-03-25T22:10:00.005+08:00

The Weather Is Fickle That's One Thing. For 2 Weeks In A Row The Bloody Rain Has To Come Pouring Down When I'm Cycling Back Home. Never Earlier, Never Later. The Water Tank's Busted, Which Means I Have To Turn On The Tap And Wait For About 3 Songs Before Water Starts Flowing. Explains Why I've Been Later For Class. Thankfully It's Fixed Now.

But Seriously Though. Life's Beginning To Suck More Than Ever. Finally Got My Hair Cut, But Damn Should I Have Gotten It Earlier. Planned To Go Back Home This Weekend But What The Hell; Mom's In Taiwan And Father's Back At Padang Rengas Cleaning The Graves Of His Late Parents. And One Last Assignment To Finish.

The Result Of All These? Sucks To Be Me. And Before Anyone Has Any Smart Comments To Offer, Well, Just Keep It To Yourselves, You'll End Up Hurting Me, Which Will End With Me Hurting You.

Lack Of Updates Lately Not Because I'm Lazy; I Downright Don't Feel Like Even Doing Anything. Even Looking Into The Monitor Is Tiring.

And Yes. Conditioning. THANK YOU BLOODY ARSES FOR DOING THIS TO ME! Shit. Nowadays I Find Myself Concentrating On Stuff That I Shouldn't, Feel Left Out When I Have All The Company Around Me, Burn Down With The Heat Of Competition When There's None, Feel Like An Arse When I've Got Nothing To Say, And Well To Put It Simple, I'm Being Depressed For All The Wrong Reasons. And That's Really Saying Something, Especially The Last Point There, Because We All Know That I'm Actually Not being Myself If I've Got Too Much To Say. So What? Now I Feel Like An Arse For Being Myself!?

For Some Reason My Life Is Just Too Rich With These Kinds Of History. Not All Happened To Me, But I've Seen Enough To Fear It When It Does.

And Thanks To That Once Again In This Miserable Life Of Mine I Feel Like Power-Drilling My Own Heart Out, Just To See If It's Red In Colour.

But Hey, Doesn't Everyone Tell Me To Look At The Bright Side? To See That Even In Infinite Darkness There Are Still Little White Twinkling Dots That Is Just Not Enough To Be Meaningful. Which Are:

Benjamin Metaphorically Comparing Deborah's Camera To A Lachesis Used For Spider Solitaire, And I Just Have To Spice It Up By Saying It's Plugged To A Netbook.

Deborah Herself Using Lines From The Annoying Orange.

Some Back Side Gossiping That Really Makes Me Wonder When Will It Be My Turn To Fall Into The Depths Of Hell Like Some Others.

Oh Well, I Guess That Sums Up All That's Happened Since The Last Time. And Until The Next, Adieu To Y'all.

A Bad Trait

2010-03-22T01:50:00.002+08:00

I Notice I Tend To Be A Very Obnoxious Person When I Voice Out My Opinion. Time And Time Again It Has Been Proven True And Sadly It Has Once Again. Gotta Change This Soon. Maybe I Should Get Myself Hypnotized.

Heated Discussion Is So Enjoyable When You Have People That Are Actually Discussing Things Instead Of Insisting. Involved In One Right Now And Damn Does It Actually Feel Fun. Most Importantly, NO DEGRADING AND NAME CALLING! And This Time I Feel Like I'm The One Splashing Cold Water. Like, WTF!

Which Leaves Me To Wonder; Is The Effect Of Keeping Your Identity 'Hidden' The Same When You Wear Sunglasses As When You Wear A Masquerade? Interestingly Rare Quandary. For Me At Least. One Worthy Of The Sacrifice Of My Sleep, It Seems, For I'm Still Awaiting The Answer Amidst The Discussion, And It's 2a.m. Now And I Have Class At 9.30.

Oh Well, Adieu To Y'all.

Again, Freezing In The Heat.

2010-03-20T03:21:00.002+08:00

I Don't Know If It's Just Me, As It Usually Is, But Though On One Side The Atmosphere Is Warm As Usual, On Another It's beyond Freezing Cold. So If It Was Something I've Said Or Done That Has Caused This, I Apologize, Though This Is Another Time In Life When I Myself Don't Know What I'm Apologizing For.

For One, Sorry For My Obnoxiousness. I Realize That I've Been A Real Loathsome Person To Be With, And Would Have Undoubtedly Caused Distress Among Some.

Another Thing Is That I Realize That I'm Really Very Vulnerable To Conditioning. And The Most Painful Kind Seems To Always Haunt Me. Now, At This Stage Of life Once Again I Am Subjected To One Such Conditioning, Which I'm Really Unsure How The Outcome Would Be. And Past Experiences Has Told Me That I Should Not Expect Anything Anymore And Just Let Whatever May Be, Be. And So I Shall.

Sigh. Repetitions That Begin As False Statements That End Up Being True Has Left Me In Despair. Oh Well... Such Is Life. 絶望した。でもしかたないね？そんな人生。。。

Adieu To Y'all. And Now That They Have Conditioned Me To Be So, I'm Slowly Being Broken Apart By Having What I'm Conditioned To Slowly Drifting Away From Me...

Solitude Is Bliss

2010-03-16T09:37:00.002+08:00

Or So Says The Theory Of Introverted People. Well, Can't Say I Feel Happy Being Alone, But At Least I Know I'm Safe From The Risks Of Sorrow Or Frustration That Company Brings. Though Company May Also Bring Happiness. So It's A Give Or Take Kind Of Thing.

Repeating What I Said This Morning During Our Mamak Session:

"If You Say You've Got No Problems, How Will I Ever Dare Say I Have Any? If You Do Have Problems, Mine Is Miniature In Comparison So It's Not Really Worth Mentioning."

Not That I Intentionally Wish To Avoid Commenting. And Not That I Have No Problems Of My Own. Seriously Though, Considering That I've Been Given The Impression It's Something That I'm Not Supposed To Know Of. The Fact That I Do, I Apologize. Sincerely. And If I Do Voice Out My Opinion, I'll Just End Up Smacking My Own Face With "What Do I Know?" Because It's Like Me Knowing About Food, But Knowing The Ingredients. And If I Do Voice Out My Own Problems, It'll Just End Hanging Because Halfway I'll Realize That Me Saying Something Trivial Has Pushed Someone Further Into Despair. Both Which I Feel I Should Avoid, Since They'd Probably Hurt Feelings, Or Worse, Injure The Friendship.

So To Sum It Up, I Guess It Will Have To Suffice For Me To Say Good Luck And All The Best In Your Endeavour. It Is Something That I'll Probably Never Understand, But what The Heck. Got Me Wondering How Can The Grass Be Greener On Your Side Now.

Adieu To Y'all. The Say It's The Spice Of Life.

Aggressive Versatility

2010-03-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

With The CNY Heat Dying Down, It Is Finally Comfortably Cool To Be Doing Everyday Activities. And Strangely I Find Myself Waking Up In The Middle Of The Night, Sometimes Due To The Cold, Other Times For No Apparent Reason, Even When I Took No Afternoon Naps.

Nothing Much Happened Worth Noting Anymore Except For The 'Fact' That The Word 'Fuck' Is One Of The Most Versatile Word Ever, To Have Fun With.

I'm Starting To Find The Word 'Chess' A Really Annoying One. A Fact To Clarify Guys; I Don't Walk The Talk When It Comes To Chess. So Don't Go Challenging Me To Chess Games After Listening To What Dr. Lee Said; You'll Find Me A Very Boring Opponent.

The England Open Seems To Be The Thing Going On Now, But All I Know Is That A Malaysian Player Made It To The Singles Finals. Me, I'm Regressing To Pokemon Emerald. (Mom, Seriously, The PS3 Will Really Help Me Progress.)

Adieu To Y'all. Even The Atmosphere's Gotten Much Colder.

After All That Is Said And Done...

2010-03-09T00:27:00.005+08:00

It Remains To Be Seen What Kind Of Compromise Is Worthy Of The Chequered Flag. I Find Myself Talking To A Mirror In The Bathroom And I Keep Hearing The Echoes Of Words Uttered By Me Being Thrown Right Back At Me And Deep Down Inside I Know That No One Wants To Give Away The Last Laugh.

Yes, I Know, I Contradict Myself. And So Does My Reflection And Echo.

And Since I've Achieved My Goal Anyway, Before Things Go Any Further Than It Has(Somehow It's Gone All The Way To America Or Something), Here's The White Towel, Before I Deteriorate Myself Further For The Sake Of Having The Last Word Against Echoes. Or Tripping Over My Own Claymore And Get My Groin Shredded.

Talk About Having 2 Doppelgängers And Surviving For A Year And Counting After Meeting One.

Adieu To Y'all. And For The Record, Defence Mechanisms And さよなら絶望先生 PWNS!!! GGFTW!!!

P.S.: Is It Just Me Or Do Opinion And Perception Mean The Same Thing?

Retardation Of Perception

2010-03-07T23:52:00.003+08:00

Ah Yes. I Now Have Another Probable Theory To Prove For My Final Year Thesis: That Perception Is Like Religion; Disagree Openly And People Call You A Heretic/Retard. Great Sigmund Freud Sure Came Up With A Damn Good Theory When He Thought Of Defence Mechanisms.

No Doubt Psychology Is Easily Misunderstood, But Never Attacked Save By Me, The Sole Retard (My Apologies To All Innocent People With Small Time Misunderstandings For Dragging Y'all Into This).

First Off:
They Say (Or Rather, Insist) That Psychology Doesn't Teach Lies In The Name Of Mental Well-Being, So Fine, They Don't; They Just Ignore The Terrible Truth And Embrace The Beautiful One. So What Is Calling Depressive Thoughts 'Cognitive Distortion' And Changing Them Into Less Depressing Thoughts? Truth Isn't About Being Optimistic Or Pessimistic; It's About being Realistic, To See Things As A Whole, For What They Are. Point Being, Ignore One Side Of The Truth And It's As Good As Ignoring The Whole Truth, Which Is As Bad As Lying. So What? If Someone's Entire Family Just Got Massacred And He Thinks "How Am I Going To Live On From Now?" And Someone Else Just Throws "That's A Cognitive Distortion You Got There" Into His Face? Whatever Happened To Empathy? *Plays 'Spokesman' By 'Goldfinger'*

Secondly, A Note Of Clarification:
Yes, Psychology NEVER DENIES A Problem. It's About Denying The Dark Side Of A Problem, That It's Gonna Impair Life, And Then Focusing On The Bright Side That Is To Solve It. And These Two -Denying The Problem AND Denying The Dark Side Of A Problem- Are NOT The Same! Not Even Similar! And People Just HAVE To Project Their Misunderstanding Onto Other People And Claim That They're Setting The Facts Straight. So What? People With A Cognitive Distortion Comes Seeking Your Counseling And You Call Them A Retard With A Skewed Perspective And Set The Facts Straight In Their Face!? Clearly That Lacks Some Unconditional Positive Regard, No?

Ah, Once Again This Victorless Battlefield Has Left Me in Despair.

I'm No Freudian, But I Highly Regard His Theory On Defence Mechanisms So Please, People. Don't Be A Zealot And Go Projecting Your Own Lack Of Openness Onto Others Like How Great Freud Himself Did.

Adieu To Y'all. Fan The Flames If You Must, For This Is A Battle Of No Winners.

Opinionated And Moronic Me

2010-03-06T18:41:00.005+08:00

I Just Realized How Much I Regard Opinion Like Religion, In A Sense. So When Stuff Like That Happens, I Guess We'll Just Have To Agree To Disagree On That Point.

Also Reminded Me Of How Some Of My Lecturers Told Me That The 'Seeing Is Believing' Concept Is So Old Fashioned And How We Should Be Open Minded. Yeah, Right. I'd Still Prefer To Take Everything With A Pinch Of Salt Until I'm Presented With Undeniable Proof, And Not Just Vague Evidence, Because, Again, Evidence Is Easy; You're Surrounded By Them. Proof, Now That's Hard.

And I Must Say I Feel Rather Offended That An Opinion Of Mine That Came From First-Hand Experience Was Regarded As Merely Based On Air. Oh Well, Such Is The Luck Of A Pessimist; To See Things From The Dark Side And Be Regarded As One Who Falls For Unkind Gossip. Well, What Can I Say? そんな人生.

Perhaps I Really Should Just Turn A Blind Eye And Ignore The Dark Side Of Things And Look Solely On The Brighter Side Of Things? And Lose Myself In The Process Of Course. Argh. The Regret In Taking Psychology Grows Ever Greater.

Oh Well. Adieu To Y'all. This Just Confirms That My Mental State Shall Never Be Considered Healthy Enough For A Counselor.

P.S.: Oh Sh*T! I Just Dragged Myself Into An Victorless Battlefield!
絶望した！両方負けの戦いに絶望した！

Pronunciations Galore

2010-03-01T11:24:00.002+08:00

It Just Got To Me During Tutorial This Morning That There Are Many Ways People Pronounce The Word 'Love' Or Rather, The Phrase 'I Love You', Either As Their Perceived Proper Pronunciation Or Jokingly As A Pun. So I'm Gonna Put Them Down Here So That Y'all Will Laugh Your Brains Out While I Crack My Own To Finish Up A Crabby Assignment Of Mine.

I Love You (The Proper One)
I 'Lap' You ('Lap' Means 'Wipe' In Malay, So = I Wipe You)
I 'Larv' You (What, Love Among Insects To Produce Larvae?)
I 'Lof' You (Lof? A Loaf Of Bread?)

And The Most Recent And Most Hilarious That I've Heard Of

I Laugh You (LOL I Laugh At You, The One Who Pronounces It This Way)

Well, That's All Folks. Until Next Time, Adieu To Y'all.

Ian Must Die!!!

When all hope was lost.

The end of immortality

Take a bloody hint, you necrophilic cunt!!!

The obvious and the ironic.

Ironic how vast the difference is

Can't stress it enough

Nothing is right. Meaning everything is wrong

Can't Help But Hate It

Remember the Terms, Please.

Immortal Journey

Moral Morality

Visionary nonsense

Natural Selection Or Overpopulation?

How Everything Flies

Well, too bad for you, you're not who you wanted to be.

Chinese New YEOUCH!

Kablooey Again

Humanity - Epitome Of Irony

Breaking The Breaking Point

Doomed To Doom Thyself

(Fall)Out Of Place

New Fallout; New Fallacy

Fallout Fallacy

Once Upon A Time, Yet In The Distant Future.

Miraculous Comeback, Not.

The Dead Fisherman

The Ultimate Natural

My Immortal Stand

Bilingual Wannabe

Defiant Until The Very End

見上げた空 七色の虹 あなたも見てますか?

Manuka Honey Cocktail

By The Time You Found What You Lost, You'd Hope You Were Found

The Unwinnable Battle That Must Be Fought.

In The End, All For Nothing

Now Undeniably Proven, The Nether Phoenix Shall Rise Again

Immortally IMD!!!

I Declare...

What Else Do You Have To Say, Huh?

Sugar Makes Me HOT!!!

The Weak Of Mind Beware.

Kindness Is Inhuman

When Everything Goes Down, Down, Down...

Immortal Revelation

All Became Clear

The Colour Of Mankind

When the Devil Danced Alone - An Alluringly Beautiful Dedication

Warning In Awakening

Another Break From Immortality

Tribute No.2 - Gundam Epyon

Immortal Vengeance

Immortal Observer

Immortal Solitude, Soon

Immortal Silence

Immortal AWEZOMENESS!!!

Immortal Release

A Break From Immortality

Immortal Return

Immortal Race - Tribute To Initial D OP, ED & OST

Immortal Trust

Immortal Fire

Immortal Gratitude

Immortal Chaos

Immortal Fatality

Immortal Remorse

Immortal Injuries

(Im)Mortal Irony

First Doom On The First Day Of The First Term Of The New Year

Insane Over In Sane

Bound And Gagged By The Train Tracks

Cold, Soggy Fries For Breakfast Ain't Cool

Loving Hatred

Americans, What Are You Up To...?

Witness The Moment YOUR FAILURES PROSPER!!!

Ian Must Die AGAIN!!! FOR HE NOW CRAVES MORE BLOOD!!!

It's Not My Fault?

Ian Has Died. Again.

The Last Battle Of The War

Spiced Up Death

見上げた空七色の虹あなたも見てますか?